Tuesday, December 30, 2003

So what up?

So i've been cleaning my office and trying to get ready for school - and lemme tell ya, i'm findin stuff in here that i really had no idea even existed. Like, pens and pencils and stuff... oh, and thumbtacks... yeah those hurt a little in the discovering.

So now Oberon's sittin on my desk with his head in front of the monitor. What did i just type? i dunno, lemme ask the back of the friggin cat's head! Seriously, if telling him about the difference between a window and a door would make a lick a difference, i just might. Oh what the hell, why not ... brb.

Hey, it worked. Heh heh - just call me Prot.

So New Year's... wow - couldn't a seen that one coming from a year away. I have no clue what we're gonna be doing to celebrate. I thought that Kim was gonna go to Chicago, but it turns out she's stayin here, so we're tryin ta figure out what the hell we're gonna do. We might just do a dinner thing - which sounds nice enough :-)

I've been doing OK with the whole IT consulting thing, BTW. It just sort of popped out of nowhere without much assistance from yours truly, and now the client i acquired about a month ago just recommended me to one of her friends, not to mention that i was working for her husband as well. I don't charge much, but it feels good to get paid a little somethin somethin, yknow?

So anyways, in closing i want to say 2 things - one is that i really miss all y'all, especially when i think about all the walks, talks, and ::ahem:: parties.... Two is that i just heard that one of my old (ex?) friends is engaged! Apparently Nic and Liz have finally decided to get hitched, so howzabout everybody give em their best wishes! Everyone deserves to have a happy, healthy life with someone they love!

Aright, that's enough for now... i need to get back to pretending that i'm productive. Catch ya on the flip side, baby!

.Christian

PS: i know it's the middle of the day - but kick them bed bugs anyway.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Time and cookies.

Today's Hollander is a huge deviation from the original direction of the blog - though that's what i was kind of hoping for. I wanted a diverse set of stories from one immense life... i guess I should say it's coming together nicely.

BTW, i have not lost my mind.

Yet.

Or again, depending on who you talk to.

I'm going to go to sleep, wake up, and do myriad useful chores and duties. And sing. Because why not?

.Christian

PS: flip side, bed bugs.

Friday, December 19, 2003

Yo, yo.

Just wanted to drop y'all (heh heh, there's that illinois comin through) a quick note just in case i forget before the holidays... HAPPY HOLIDAYS! HAPPY NEW YEAR! WHO'S YER DADDY! ... wait ... i think that last may have been misplaced. Ah well, you get the gist.

Just a brief summary of events and general sentiment for this week:

Monday: Applied to T-Bird, stressed.

Tuesday: Got into T-Bird and celebrated with some good friends, elated - almost as good as saturday.

Wednesday: Busy with little stuff, imagine my smiling face - now take the smile away.

Thursday: Found out that there have been health problems with George (stepdad), take yesterday's face and distort it with one of those Fun House mirrors... voila.

Friday: Just finished an email to Maura after finding out things are great with her; found out that george can come home for christmas; wrote a blog, life is good.

Preview of Saturday: LAST DAY AT RADIOSHACK!! WHOS YER DADDY?! (see, told you it was misplaced)

Well folks, i'm outta here for now - catch ya on the flip side, baby.

.Christian

PS: don't forget to kick them bed bugs tonight, k?

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Just thought i'd let y'all know

that as of January 18th, i will officially be a student at Thunderbird. American Graduate School of International Management. Just so you know.

.Christian

PS: YEEEEEE FRIGGIN HAAAAAAW!!

Monday, December 15, 2003

What's done is done.

And it's all done. I have officially turned in my application to Thunderbird, complete with two essays and a resume. Let's see what happens.... yeah i'm nervous, but not really - after all, what's done is done.

.Christian

PS: flip side, bed bugs, you know the drill.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

I WIN!

98TH PERCENTILE IN VERBAL!!

Do you know what that means?

I WIN!

Sure my math score could have been better, but WHO CARES?! I never said i was going to be an accountant!

I don't think that today could have been any better - I got a 590 (20 higher than the T-Bird avg.) on my GMAT, then my mom told me that George might just be sick from some hottub bacteria thing, then i saw a sign for DQ and decided to get a Blizzard, but stopped to get a Double Whopper with cheese on the way, then on the exit ramp for DQ i saw this guy with a sign that said "Homeless Hippie, please help. -May God bless all." I felt bad but chalked it up to the old "Too many to help everyone" excuse and went on to DQ. When i got there i got a blizzard and decided that maybe i should buy the guy something, like maybe another blizzard - But after i decided not to, i saw one of those "Drop a coin in the cup and win something" displays, and you could win a Blizzard - so i said to myself "I'll drop a few quarters in, and if i win, i'll give him the Blizzard!" When i reached into my pocket though, i only had one quarter - pretty bad odds. I dropped it in anyways and it ricocheted off the back - and into the cup! So i asked for exactly the same thing i'd gotten and went on my merry way. I stopped on the overpass in the shoulder with my hazards on, decided to grab a fiver out of my wallet, and walked over to the guy. "So, i won this at Dairy Queen and figured I'd give it to you... I don't know if you like Heath and Reese's, but, if you don't..." and handed him the cup and the money. The funniest thing is that i can't remember just what he said - i think it was "Thanks man," or "sir" or "dude", but i remember the way he said it made me think he had a southern accent, and i said "No problem, enjoy it!" or something like that. I walked back to my car and turned back to see him happily wolfing down his blizzard. I think it was the image right before i stopped in the lane to get back on the freeway that burned in my head, and that was him with his hand held straight out, giving me a peace sign. I beeped my horn and flashed one back to him before he disappeared behind the freeway on-ramp sign. The song that was playing was "Remedy (I won't Worry)" by Jason Mraz - one of the lines was "because it all amount to nothing in the end."

So to recap:

Great score on the GMAT
Great news about George
Great Double Whopper w/Cheese (no onion)
Great Blizzard
Great feeling helping someone
Great drive home
GREAT DAY

I think today was better for me than most people have in their entire lives - it was the kind of day where you think: I could die right now, and i would have had all the happiness i could ever want in this life.

If the world were full of days like today, there would be no war, hunger, anger or sadness.

.Christian

PS: now let's all go get shitfaced!!

Friday, December 12, 2003

The time has come...

to steal someone else's opening line - to travel to Tucson - to take the GMAT.

As Yoda once said: "You will be." (btw, he means 'afraid')

Well, i'm not gonna take a huge amount of time telling you guys this:

I'm leaving tonight to go to Tucson to find a shitty motel to bunk up in for the night so that tomorrow morning i can take the GMAT at eight-thirty in the morning and hopefully get a score that will be much higher than the ones i have been recieving on my practice tests.

And maybe write a run-on sentence or two.

I just have to remember to take my time, yknow? I think if i do that i'll be OK. I just took one of the problem solving practice tests (my weakest subject) and i think that if it weren't for me running out of time (remember the "time per question" fiasco i discussed in the last blog?) i would have gotten most of the questions right. I got 1-9 all right, no errors. Once i hit nine though, i saw my time dwindling and freaked out. I DEFINITELY have to take my time on the Verbal though - i'm always finishing about a .5n (where n is the total time) too soon.

Anyways - gots ta get trippin'. (heh heh)
Wish me luck, pray for me, sacrifice a goat, whatever.

Catch ya on the flip side, baby.

.Christian

PS: KTMFBB for me, cause i'll be studyin till i retire tonight.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

GMAT sucks a rat.

So how in the hell is it possible that i can manage to START at a 560 - go through the whole Kaplan review course - AND END UP AT A 500?!!?!?!?! FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!

I just don't get it. I think maybe i just rushed everything - cause when you're doing the kaplan thing, they give you like, 25 minutes to do 16 questions. When you do the GMAT, it's 75 minutes to do 37. let's do a little quick math here, k? what's the ratio of questions to minutes with kaplan?

16:25

and GMAT?

37:75

now let's reduce, shall we? cause i'm getting SO good at THAT!

37/2 = 18.5 and 75/2 = 37.5

what's that you say? that's 18.5:37.5? You mean TEN FUCKING MINUTES MORE?!

seriously. what the hell?

i just need to know
MISTER FUCKING KAPLAN METHOD
what the HELL is wrong with LETTING ME PRACTICE WITH A LITTLE MORE TIME?! Maybe, oh heck i dunno, let's say ANYWHERE NEAR THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME I GET FOR THE REAL FUCKING THING?! ... just checking.

God this is frustrating. I'm exhausted from all this studying, and tomorrow i get to do it all over again! 3 TIMES!

well, at least it'll be good to finally know what to expect. I don't know if this program even scored my essay, yknow? and that's like, half the thing! Maybe i just scored really low, but it didn't tell me what i got, it just told me what it thought i SHOULD have typed, which is just some pre-written fuckermudder.

::sigh:: ... fuckin fuckers.

You know, i still have two essays to write for thunderbird - then send in the application through their online system, then hand it in for real just so they can match a face with the name, then blah blah blah blah blah. At least it will be over by this monday, i just wish i had some more time, yknow?

wow

this saturday is just totally gonna suck.

...

wow.

I have really pretty fish, btw. Seriously.

well folks - i think i'm gonna go to sleep soon... well... now actually. then ill just wake up tomorrow morning and start studying! yay! lather, rinse, and fucking repeat.

.Christian

PS: ktbb and catch that flipside
PPS: , baby.

Monday, December 8, 2003

Been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.

I apologize in advance for the anger contained within the words, letters, indeed mere keypresses which make up this blog.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckinfuckfuckittyduckittyfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

ur.

That feels mildly better. Sorry bout the fuckin' "fuck"s.

Let me start with a non-sore topic: I went to blog about a week ago but the site wouldn't load on my computer. Thought you should know.

So, the reason i'm upset:

Kim and I argued about little shit all day -

hmm.

I should preface this by saying that we kindamaybebasicallyreallygot back together. Bout a week ago. Anniversary. Does it every time.

where was i?

hmmm, where am i ANY time kim is in the blog?

oh yeah: Arguing about little shit all day.

Come time for her to go to work, she asks me if i can drop her off. I in turn ask her if she could just take the car and drive herself to work.

Have i mentioned that her hospital is about 10 to 15 minutes each way? To be sure, no big deal, but let me ask you something. What is 730 (the latest she gets off work) minus 15? 715, right?

715.

do you know what time i work? at the earliest?

9.

i get up at 8.

on good days.

days when i don't have to wake up FORTY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES EARLY.

Now i have no problem with this when i need the car later that night, but doesn't it seem like it would make more sense if... oh.... say KIM took the car to work and back?

So let's go back:

"I in turn ask her if she could just take the car and drive herself to work."

She says no.

No?

No.

Why not?

"I don't know where to park."

i think this portion of the blog should be enough to explain why i started on the tumbling, dark road of anger and disillusionment.

"You've been working there a month and you don't know where to park?"

"I'll ask tonight."

"Could you call to find out?"

"I'll wait till i get there then ask someone."

Omitions have been made from both sides here - but you get the gist.

Phone rings - "It's your GIRLFRIEND." - argument ensues.

I have friends. These friends are girls. Cut it any way you like to - justify the jealousy and lack of trust with any pretty words or complex ideas that you want to, but ultimately it all comes down to this:

"I have friends. These friends are girls."

I will no longer dignify these hints at my lack of morality - these suggestions of depravity - allusions to an adulterous nature which, quite simply, does not exist - with a response of any kind, nor will i tolerate them.

=== phone rings, 5 minutes pass ===

I just got off the phone with kim, and i feel like shit. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world for wanting to, in the words of her favorite show "Start Over". But that's how i feel. I think that the end of our conversation summarized it quite succinctly: She asked me if i just wanted her to move back, and if i just hadn't been able to tell her so - i responded by telling her that I am willing to go to any lengths necessary to make the arguments stop. I told her that all i want is to be happy, safe, and secure in the relationship. She suggested that i don't feel any of those things with our relationship. I didn't answer. She said she had to go and hung up.

I feel like i should be mincing words, leaving out details, 'forgetting' a few things - but i'm too upset, the wound is too fresh, and bluntly: this is why i have a blog.

I don't know what to do. When things are good, they're great. When they're bad, they're horrible. I know what i would tell myself if i were someone else. Easier said than done, right? Damnit.

On top of that, i have to study.
Write an essay.
Write another.

And feed the animals. Damn. Forgot about that.

KTBB.

.Christian

Monday, November 3, 2003

Hey Y'all

Just wanted to drop you a quick note and say that "yes, i'm alive".Things have been kinda crazy these last few days and i haven't gotten a lot of sleep - but i really like the way life's goin, so it's all good in the hood. Anyways - gots ta get goin, catch ya on the flip side, baby.

KTBB.

.Christian

Thursday, October 30, 2003

This is ... wow ... i'm touched ...

Three!

I actually don't really have time to blog cause i'm reading a book that i haven't read since around when i moved (the count awaits) - but i DID want to give you all this food for thought: (the origins of which, perhaps i shall relate later on)

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel, yet?

I also have sad news. Elise and i have been looking at (OK, actually just elise) prices for the flight out to p-town... thing is that just to get to peoria would be 400 a person, and to get to chi-town would be 200, plus car rental and gas. This would actually be for three days because apparently she doesn't have the days off. ... are you seeing the problem?

i just don't think it's gonna happen. if it were for more days it would be worth it, yknow? I just don't think 3 days would be. And so i thought about going lone wolf - but that would really suck because since i haven't planned anything i would be carless and bedless, and basically be a royal pain in the ass for everyone in peoria, which was NOT on my To Do list.

I'm sorry folks - i really really really wanted to go home, but i just don't think it's gonna happen. It's ok though - there will be other times... i just wanted to have see everyone and have a chance to go to monday night football ... ::Sigh:: ah well - who knows what'll happen.

OK all, i'll catch ya on the flip side, baby.

KTBB

.Christian

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Two in a row?

And why the hell not?!

I told you i'd blog, and that's what i damn meant!
(besides, i figure all those who were missin out on the blog lovin can get a nice little sensory overload)

It was kinda fun beatin the crap outta this "Dynasty Warriors" game tonight - but i think it's really a lot more fun when both people playing have spent some time building up their characters and then competing against each other - that's pretty cool. I can't wait to try SSX 3 though, i hear it's totally badass.

OH. So my manager and i were talking today and I tell him the dates i for sure need for christmas (i had given him a very specific idea of those days a long time ago... repeatedly) and he told me that RadioShack employees are required to work for 5 days before christmas, etc. I told him "Look - my family is in florida. That trip takes a half a day FLYING - when the hell am i supposed to see them??" If it REALLY comes down to it i'll just get another job... yknow? family's more important than that. I just feel sorry for kim cause she doesn't have her family down here, and she HAS to work. It's not cool at all - i feel really bad, yknow?

So here's the plan, stan. Anyone who reads this - if you really wanna do a good deed - well, that wouldn't really make sense to post it here, cause kim'd find out .... ok ok ok, so anyone who wants to hear my idea, e-mail me for more details :-) XeroBlog@cox.net

I actually had considered typing it all out and removing it tomorrow, then putting it back on at random intervals - but that didn't really make too much sense.

I totally am a new fan of EVE6, btw. they're totally fun to listen to! have you heard that song "Sunset Strip Bitch?" It's awesome! Fun fun fun! Oh yeah, and anyone who has NOT been keeping up on the links to the side of this page - DO! it's a good read! I will be putting the next chapter of the Hollander up soon, i think it will actually be quite different from the original - just a warning.

Othello and Ori are well, btw - i'm just kinda worried that ori's fins are turning a little yellow - 'long with the rest of her. I can't really find any info on that though... kinda frustratin', eh?

OH, just so you know, my store is now 201. 2 - 0 - 1. That means that out of the five possible ratings, it is second from the bottom. second out of 5. F I V E. cinco. cinque. go. feunf. 5. ... wow. ok well anyways, i just wanted to complain about that.

OK folks - i'll be going to sleep now. It was good talking to you, feels like i have an outlet again! I promise not to let it get clogged up again! ... well - i can't really promise that - i mean, look at toilets, it's not like anyone wants to have to use that plunger that's sitting silently by the throne. But i'll try. Coo?

Coo.

Catch ya on the flip side, baby.

.Christian

PS: and if you see any of the ninja bedbugs that attacked me this morning, kick em - and wear a boot.

PPS: a steel toed boot.


PPPS: with spurs.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Long time no blog!

So what's up homies? ::grin:: You know what i did yesterday?

on MONDAY?

I saw monday night football.

Live.


HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!


it was so cool.
I've never really watched a football game live before, and for it to be the Dolphins vs the Chargers was pretty damn awesome!

i guess i should apologize to mary at this point for the whole "happy about the fires" thing - but hey, if it weren't for her state being a giant matchstick with her living in the phosphorous side, i would never have gotten AWESOME seats for FREE at an NFL GAME!

... so yeah - sorry.

heh heh.

I guess i've already given those details now, so ill stop bragging about how i got great seats to an NFL game for free at the last minute.

heh heh.

So aaaaaaaaaaaaanyways.

I just wanted to make it clear to everyone that YES - i AM coming to Peoria

I'll be leaving on November the 6th (just a week or two) and staying until the 11th (5 friggin days!). So yes, i expect fun. :-)

I figure this way i get weekend parties, sunday swimming(?), and MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL (though by then i may be beyond bragging and be nearer to gloating)

Anyone got any other plans?

Thought not. ;-)

Oh, i also have a huge favor to ask of everyone - aside from buying me a round when i get home ;-)

I am trying to create a coverletter for the purpose of reeling in a job as a "remote location" radio person thinger - i have thus created a list, and numbered the items from one to ten. Only numbers 1 through 3 will be put in the cover letter - so if you think that i'm wrong about which ones take precedence (or have any other input) just email me your suggestions!

(please remember that i'm not usually the kind of person to say things like this about myself, but i have to if i plan on getting a good job - however if you have another strategy, also feel free to e-mail it to me!)

10 reasons why I want this job
1) I really enjoyed the radio show I worked on in High School
2) I want to enjoy my job, and look forward to work
3) I love music
4) I love talking
5) I’ve always wanted to be on the radio
6) People have always told me I have a good radio voice
7) I’m a clown, and I love to share it
8) I think I could be a great DJ
9) I love making mixes and playlists that contain many different styles
10) It’s the first step in my conquest of the known world.

10 reasons why I’d be good for this job
1) I’m a really dedicated, hard worker.
2) I’ve learned how to really take charge and get things done
3) I get along with almost everyone
4) I have a great voice for radio
5) I can do a zillion and two imitations and voices
6) I love people
7) I’m addicted to 80’s and 90’s music
8) I’m willing to start at the bottom
9) I love road trips!
10) I know a lot about computers and logical systems

10 reasons why I’d be better than anyone else for this job
1) I speak several languages and have a very diverse background.
2) I am willing to take charge, but have no problem being under someone else
3) I’m a people person – I can understand and empathize with almost anyone
4) I know the value of patience and the importance of working hard to achieve goals
5) I can make people laugh.
6) I know my limits, but I also know when I can overcome them.
7) I am very organized when it comes to work.
8) I’m confident, but not arrogant – I will always cede a point if I’m wrong.
9) When I know what I want, I will keep going until I get it, or I break something.
10) I’m one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet.

notice that the items that i thought revealed too much my ultimate plan to become a DJ were left out of the "first 3" circle... do you think that's a good idea? lemme know.

The plants are dying in my damn aquarium again.

fuckin fuckers.

I'm doing the whole "music match goes out and looks for all the songs i want to have names and it names them for me, but i have to watch over it's shoulder the whole time due to stupid programmers" thing.

Seriously - wouldn't it make sense to you that if someone is looking for the album information of a song and artist, they don't want the "Totally 80's" discs to come up? it just makes sense to me that they should automatically list the results in ascending order from the oldest release date!! is that so hard? it shows me the year, but at this point it just serves as a point with which to mock me - as if saying "hey, we could organize this better, but we enjoy watching you suffer!"

f'ing f'ers.

I've actually considered leaving radioshack and being jobless for a little while - if only to get away. not from the company, mind you (though i have some stories - don't we all) but the store. the barely 301 store. I tell ya, coming from the store i was in, and going to this disorganized hellpit... that was a bit of a shock.

I guess maybe i'm being too harsh, but it's true. See, Mike kept things clean and well oiled, etc, and relied on us to support the store - Eric relies on us to do everything i just mentioned that mike does. Sigh.

Enough about that. I'm actually going to go ni ni soon, i just wanted to tell you guys some of what was going on and try to open up the lines again. It kinda felt like i was losing touch for a minute there, didn't it? well i promise i'll update more. actually, i plan on updating nightly again!

KTBB!

.Christian

Monday, October 13, 2003

Just so you know

i wrote a pretty long blog last night talking about what was going on with my life, and the next thing i know it was deleted by some server error. Bastards.

You want an update?

Kim and I broke up.

How's that for an update?

I guess i was kinda expecting her to change her mind, or for us to talk it out, but i don't know that that would have been better... i just don't know what's the right road at this point. I guess the one thing i can say for sure is that we've tried being together and holding on, and both of us have mentioned splitting up several times - hell for a week or two i was seriously contemplating just doing it myself when we were both calm and not arguing. I guess she felt the same way.

"And it stinks when it's nobody's fault, cause there's noone to blame" John Mayer

I'm gonna go down to a radio station today. Think they'll like me? I don't know what i'm gonna do... just hand em my resume i guess. Say "Hey, i know i have no radio experience, but maybe i could just pour coffee?"

Maybe i could go the other route and be Frasier. Ha.

My aquarium looks nice - i have three new live plants in there.

I think if it weren't for the fact taht we both knew this was coming it would be a lot worse... but it's pretty bad as it is. Christ, and i thought the break up with Jen was bad... this could almost rival Wendy, but i don't know that any break up is ever as hard as a first love - though this is close. It's really bad because i'm still so in love with the girl that i was dating when we first started out. I think that kim's right. We've both grown and changed a lot since we started dating - and though she didn't out and out say it, i agree with her that the people we've become don't mesh anymore.

I think i've kinda become a mishmash of who i've been and who i wanna be - i don't know how long it'll take to sort through the quagmire of my personality, but hopefully it'll come out all right in the end.

ktbb.

.Christian

Sunday, October 12, 2003

I hope i'm not getting into a habit

of never posting in a timely manner. It's been kinda crazy around here with kimproblems and other stuff....

i think the first thing that i have to say is this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY (belated) KENNY!!
Kenny's birthday was on thursday, and though i promised a Blog, this is the closest i've gotten... I'm sorry Kenny!

Hope you guys had an awesome time out! I think i remember hearing something about the boat? Win lotsa money?

Oh - few quick updates: Fish have new plants, i still work at radioshack, i'm addicted to SimCity4 and NCAA2004, i just installed "opera" because i was sick of Netscrape ... hmmm... oh, and as usual there is mucho drama on the home front.

PS: I miss brandie.

I haven't seen her in over two weeks or so, and i've talked to her barely more than once (if at all) during that whole time! I miss my friend :-( It's hard to explain, but b is very good at making me feel comfortable and happy - if only because she respects me, my relationship with Kim, herself, and the friendship that she and i have. (btw, all you inquiring minds, that means everything i say really IS because she's the bestest friend in the whole wide world... NOT for some hidden, sultry reason - go watch Days of Our Lives or something.)

::sigh::

Oh, and just to give credit where MAJOR credit is due - Elise has been a solid pillar for me to lean against any time that i've had problems. I really appreciate the effort that has been made to make me feel OK again - and like my problems CAN be solved, even if it's slow going! THANK YOU ELISE!!

and to Oberon and Lilly and Othello and Ori: You are wonde- ... wait ... i think that - yep, i'm pretty sure that - this has gone WAY too far.

but i love my pets.

OK folks - for those who need to know (and haven't already asked Dr. Know - there's nothing he doesn't) i have the next few days (till tuesday at 11) off, then thursday as well! Sure i'll be trying to do SOMETHING productive, but hey, a day off's a day off!

And for those who have been kept out of the loop lately (btw, that's ALL you readers at this point) Remember to KICK when you see a bedbug. Kick it, and kick it well. Kick it with your foot!

.Christian

"Catch ya on the flip side, baby."

Thursday, October 2, 2003

PS

To all my dear friends in P-Tayown - You are all sorely, terribly, constantly missed. I think it's wierd that of all the memories i have of Peoria, the ones after i graduated grab me the most.

I am reminded constantly by my own mind and heart how great it was to have met such wonderful friends who took me in, let me be a part of their circle, and made me feel like i'd always been there.

To the "Shack-Pack": I know now that getting to be a part of you're circle of friends is one of the most fortunate 'accidents' that could ever have happened to me. You all taught me a lot about myself, but most importantly, you made me feel like i was more than just an outsider looking in - i felt like i was actually a part of it. Whether you all did that by accident, on purpose, or even if you Always do it, i want you all to know how much it really does mean to me. I don't know that i really ever expressed that to any of you before.

To my 'Chelles: I didn't know it was possible to feel so empty without a few friends by your side - but moving here, and depriving myself of your company, created one of the largest voids i've ever felt in my heart. You were always willing to talk, go out, have dinner, let me come over at random times - most importantly you let me into your hearts and home, and gave me what has to be my most memorable summer ever. Thank you so much for everything you have done, said, felt, confided, shared, shown, and given to me and around me.

To everyone not mentioned in this e-mail, and you know who you are - don't let my lack of ability to further describe my appreciation for the friends in my life mislead you... you are ALL important, and i think what makes our relationship special is that none of us need to be reminded WHY. From the bottom of my heart: Thank you, i miss you.

KTBB

.Christian

My dear goodness gracious -

It has been an extremely long friggin time since i last blogged.

wow.

I want you all to know that YES i am alive, and NO that doesn't mean that those of you who hate me can take a crack at my life. Just thought i'd let you know.

So wow - you guys have missed a lot because of my failure to blog! I guess the real fun info is the big things: I hate inventory - Lilly's learning - The fish are alive and well - Kim's brother is moving into our apartment complex - I went of atkins for a week or so and now i'm all gunho on it again... OH! And i beat Knights of the Old Republic.... which, btw, only has TWO endings - so to those who told me otherwise: Fuckayoua, biznatch! well i guess that's the big things. Sorry, no abduction stories ;-)

Oh, and about Kim:

-=(We apologize for the inconvenience, but this section has been removed due to Kenny)=-

Heh, well... whaddaya know? Wouldn't a seen THAT one comin a mile away!

So anyways - i'm just chillin like a villain. I just beat the game, so i'm combination wired/burned out. Ah well, at least i beat the game ... though i'll admit i would rather have like to kick it's ass again. Which, btw i did. A lot. Game's ass? Yeah, kicked.

Oh hey, didja see? The Cubs lost on Monday.

Everyone say it with me now:

"Heh, well... whaddaya know? Wouldn't a seen THAT one comin a mile away!"

Seriously, they got trounced - though i guess i shouldn't talk too loud since the friggin BRONCOS beat my Raiders. Yeesh.

Ah well, i guess it's times like these that i'm glad i only follow monday night football :-)

Have you heard the new John Mayer CD? I've actually had it since, like, the day after it came out - but i'm only now starting to get really in tune with the songs. It really seems like his "debut" cd was a lot closer to my heart, but hey, they can't all be gems, y'know?

OH! and i signed up for Dish network! it's so supercool! i can record stuff digitally, and that's all cool and stuff - but guess what?? i can ALSO PAUSE AND REWIND LIVE TV!! HOW FRIGGING AWESOME IS THAT?!

... grin... It's the simple things in life.

Everything else in my life is suprisingly similar though - still at rat shack (not much longer though) and still need to clean my car and office. Amazing huh? Sometimes everything else going on around you makes it seem like you've done so much, and yet the things you haven't done remind you of just how little things have changed.

Ah well - i believe it's time for me to go. I'm getting philosophical, and that's never a good sign, y'know?

well - good night, sleep tight, and kick them bedbugs right in the friggin head. ... coo?

.Christian

"Catch ya on the flip side, baby."

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Enough

Is Enough. I'm tired of writing about things that upset me or make me sad or angry - which is all i have to write about tonight - so until i have something good to talk about, consider this blog on "hold".

KTBB

.Christian

A quick blog about LA smog.

Just in case you were wondering how yesterday and today have been going, the answer is a surprising "Fine". On the car ride back, Kim and i discussed a couple of different issues that seem to have the most effect on our relationship - and all in all i think things will be good if we can keep everything that was said in mind... easier said than done, right? well, i guess we'll see how everything turns out - but i definitely agree with her that it's all or nothing time... no more vacillating between staying together and splitting up. So here's to figuring it all out.

Didn't get to watch mondaynightfootball tonight, but i did get to do a lot of work on bills and Dark Jedi. ... you know, the usual.

LEGOLAND IS AWESOME.

kim and my sister and i had dinner in san diego.

that's pretty much everything that happened since i talked to you last - i'd type more, but it's getting late, and i have to walk the dog before i go to sleep.

and yeah, i'm convinced that aquarium plants were invented by the devil - cause they suck. Even my nice plants that were comin back to life are just sittin there now - i don't think they're alive anymore!

Ah well.

KTBB.

.Christian

"Catch ya on the flip side, baby."

Sunday, September 21, 2003

"Here i am again"

Guess who's back? Back again? Christian's back! Tell a friend!

So yeah, Underworld was a pretty cool movie - I knew my sister really wanted to see it, so i figured since we only get to hang out once in a while we should just watch that, y'know? I can't wait to see it with Elise and B though, 'cause i know we'll have a good time watching it together.

So yeah - what can i catch you up on? Hmm.. well i guess you'll have to wait until the next line, cause i have to go to the bathroom.

OK, so as i was saying :-) I guess the biggest, most recent news is that i got Dish network for the apartment. It's a two room system with a personal video recorder (you can pause live TV... yay!) and a buttload of channels - well, for the first 3 months anyways. I figure hey, i was with direcTV for 4 years or so, so there's probably no harm in signing up for a 2 year contract with dish, yknow?

Inventory was supposed to be this weekend, but we ended up deciding to do it all day on wednesday - which wisdom i kind of doubt, but there's not much i can do at this point. At least the trip up to california was fun though, y'know? Fun-ish anyways, with the exception of the whole "kim" thing. See, it's been getting progressively worse over the last couple days - to the point now where it seems like everything I say is some kind of trouble just waiting to happen. I guess it doesn't help much that I haven't been much in the mood to talk lately... maybe it is because of her, i don't know, but either way i don't think it's very fair to automatically assume that i have some sort of problem and start giving me attitude, y'know?

Hopefully this whole thing with her going out last night and staying over at this Brian kid's place will help relieve her paranoia. Either way though, i'm not sure that it would be very smart for me to stay in this relationship, y'know? I think the big problem here is that no matter what people say, they're still the same people they were in highschool - on some level anyways.

We don't change that much you know, because people may grow and adapt, but at some level, highschool is an open expression of who people are and want to be, and because on another level. highschool bends you into who you are, and who you want to be - and when the two are at odds, it's a toss-up on who wins. I mean seriously - look at who you were in highschool and tell me you're totally different. You can't honestly do it, can you? The reason why is simple - we're still trying to overcome/prove/change things about ourselves in highschool. Even you old fogies who're reading this ;-)

To be more specific, Kim and i are both insecure and seeking acceptance - which makes it very hard to survive, because neither of us can really rely on the other for a strong foundation, no matter how much i may tell myself otherwise.

Another problem is that neither of us knows how to really handle our emotions... it's either all in, or all out - y'know?

All in all - i'm still the downcast "outside the crowd" loser, and she's still the "trying to stay popular" princess. I am of course using metaphorical license here.

Ah well. I just wish i had the strength to say "Look - i seriously want this relationship to end. If it's meant to be, something will bring us back together, but as far as i'm concerned, i think we'd both be a lot happier without each other." Me and my damn Mother Theresa complex. I think the thing that would upset me the most about her moving out is the dog - Lilly. I really love that little puppy, but i know that Kim wouldn't let her go. Thing is that she doesn't love her for the same reasons as i do, yknow? I love her because i've been taking care of her, getting used to her, feeling like i was responsible for her safety, training, and all around proper growth. Kim loves her for maybe some of the same reasons, but mostly because she's always wanted a puppy of her own, and Lilly's it - even though ::ahem:: she left for two weeks to go back to Chicago without a second thought about how it would affect Lilly's perception, health, or growth.

I'm not bitter.

I think though, that maybe Lilly would be happier living with Kim, yknow? I really do spend a lot of time out of the house, and though Oberon can handle that (and i think he actually enjoys his reign of the apt) i don't want my poor little lilly to be alone in the house for too long - not as a puppy, y'know? Maybe Kim's unconditional puppy love would be a lot better for her now, especially since most of the training is really complete. (though i think perhaps commands will cease to exist from Lilly's vocabulary, and 'sit' 'stay' and 'heel' will lose all meaning)

So we're supposedly going to LegoLand today, though Kim's not called yet - speak of the devil.

Mary's giving them directions right now. ::sigh:: For a guy that's pretty much laid back about everything in his life, mine seems determined to complicate itself. I guess maybe i should try to stop lying back so far and take some more control... yknow? Maybe that would help. Hm.

Man i miss my friends. I miss knowing where my life was going. I miss everything about oh, 3 months ago. That and my friends here. ::sigh:: i think i miss everything about my life except having more arguments with Kim. Actually, there's something else i miss - being around Kim and feeling like it was a good thing. I miss that too. I used to think that it would come back, and i guess i got a glimpse of how good things could be a few days ago, but that glimpse disappeared. The Kim that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with is gone. Think i'll get another glimpse? I don't know. I'll talk to her about it once we get home.

I need to get more plants for my aquarium.

I need to change the water.

I need to beat the next level in my game.

I need to blog again tonight or tomorrow.

I need to talk to my friends, maybe go out.

God, i need to have a simple life again. That's all. I guess i thought that maybe things with Kim could be simple and happy, but it turns out there complex and miserable. ::Sigh::

B said something that made a lot of sense - after insisting that i understand that she was by no means telling me to call it quits with Kim, she said "make sure you aren't in it for the wrong reasons". Friday night, Kim was on the phone with her friend Emily, and apparently they were talking about relationships, and Kim said "well that's why you're not married, because you may not be sure". and that made a lot of sense to me. It made me think: "That's right, that's exactly right. That's why we're not married. We're not married because we're not sure, and that doesn't mean that we have to devote the rest of our live to figuring it out. We're not married, and it's about time that i start remembering that, because as most everyone, especially a few certain "pool buddies" will tell you, i've been acting like we ARE married for quite some time now.

Things to think about i guess.

Okily dokily, i gots ta get goin. It's about time i stop bitchin and start doin, eh? I seriously felt like not blooging made me want to explode! I think i was actually going to go insane! So this is what it comes down to. This is my catharsis.

Hm.. random thought: I should enlist Elise and B to watch monday night football with me! that would be a ton a fun! we could play QB1! heh heh, that would rock. Well. Until i got my ass whooped by two girls that is, cause that's no glory. ;-)

Well, i'm off to find out where legoland is. It was nice talking at ya again! ::grin::

KTBB

.Christian

Saturday, September 20, 2003

I guess i have a lot of explaining/catchingup to do...

But right now is not the time that it's gonna happen! :-)

I'm sorry that it's been so long since i last wrote to you all to tell you what's been going on - but i feel secure in suppositioning that HAD i been blogging, the real meat of the conversations would have sounded like this:

Kim and I are probably gonna break up...
Kim and I are gonna work out our differences! ... i think.
Kim and i are totally over.
Kim and i had a break through!
Kim and i hate each other.
We're so in love!

Note that the last entry speaks more of hope for the relationship than anything - note that i'm adding a "note" about that entry, which usually means there's more to it than that. ::sigh:: i guess i can sum it all up by saying that things haven't really gotten better. They did for a few days, but now it's back to the same old paranoid-delusional generally EXTREMELY unhealthy relationship that it's been for quite some time now.

And who said change happens?

This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends - not with a bang, but a whimper.

So i'm at my sister's placed in Cali, and we're gonna play some scrabble - Kim is out with a group of people that her brother's friend knows, and i think they're going to a party in Beverly Hills. She asked if we wanted to come, but i don't. If not for the simple fact that if i went, i know that my sister and i wouldn't really have a good time, and it would probably make Kim have a not good time too - all that plus the fact that i think she's annoying as hell when she drinks means that i'm not really tempted to go out, yknow?

So instead, my sister and i are gonna go see underworld at 10 - though i fully intend to see it again with Elise and B.

There's something, btw - you're comin with us next time B! (even if it's just a "me" instead) I think we'd have a lot of fun out here, even if you and my sister talk about random TV and movie stuff half the time ;-)

Anyways, i'm gonna go now. I wish i didn't have to, cause i feel like i'm about ready to explode... but alas and alack.

More later!

KTBB

.Christian

Monday, September 8, 2003

There are times...

when opposites attract. There are times when they repel.
There are times when you know it's not an act
and you're caught in a kind of spell.
It's hard at times to know the difference.
It's hard to know cold from hot,
or to distinguish damnation from deliverance.
But one thing it's not -
and i can tell you this from experience
- is worth the living hell.

I don't know what's worse. Knowing that things are crumbling, or knowing that maybe it's for the best. One thing i know for sure is that if this doesn't work out there will be a lot that has to happen for us to be happy - together or apart.

As long as it works out in the end, right?

::sigh:: This has definitely been a trying time. On the up side, i had a great time today with my friends! we went to the mall, to gameworks, and to Joe's Crab Shack. I think i've changed my mind about Break From Atkins Day, though. ::buuuuuurp::

Well folks - that's enough for tonight. I'm pretty depressed, and kinda tired - so i have no desire to really type anything. Remember i said this wouldn't be all depressing oh so long ago? Well, i guess i lied, but i'm gonna try to keep the moroseness (word??) out of it for a little bit - after all, i'm one of my biggest fans! I don't want to keep re-depressing myself any time i read my blog over again!

So for now - good night, sleep tight, an' if'n ya gitcherself bit by one-a them thar bed bug thangs, you just go on an' kick that critter - kick 'im right with yer foot!

Catch ya on the flip side, baby.

.Christian

Sunday, September 7, 2003

Psychoses Part II

Well the beginning of the conversation was amicable enough - but pretty much immediately after i said who i was going to be going out with today, the mood of the conversation altered drastically. "More girls?" ::Sigh:: It was all downhill from there - incredible what insecurity can do to a person. Even when i was being jealous about her doing stuff in Europe (over a year ago and at the beginning of our relationship) i wasn't this bad - at least i recognized that i was just being jealous and encouraged her to go out anyways... and really the only problems i had were when she was going out drinking - mainly because i don't trust foreign men or frat boys with a few drinks in them... or the way they'll act around girls with a few drinks in them for that matter.

Enough of this. I'm tired of talking about this repetitive drama. This is pretty much the whole reason i can't stand soap operas - drama is only so entertaining for so long.

So to give a little more detail to what's going on today, on ATKINS BREAK DAY, (YAYAAYAYAYAY!!!!) B, Elise, Lindsay (sp?) and I are all going to the Arizona Mills (Mall) around 2 or so for fun, shopping (which means arcade time for me) and food and movies! It's gonna be a blast, i know it. "And in the mornin', I'm makin' WAFFLES!"

"Squeek squeekem squeeker."

Do i remind any of you of Kronk? ... hmmm, silence....

So today is 'change the water' day for my fishies. Think i can do it without dumping water all over the floor? Or my desk? ... doubtfull ;-)

Did i mention that i like Atkins Break Day?

I do.

OH OH OH! Guess what?! Apparently one of the messages that i had on my machine from a few days ago was the Store Director from Hollywood Video! Which means that i might get the job i wanted! Which means free rentals and the most laid back job i could ever imagine!! YAY!

Oh - and just so you all know - i think i'm going to apply to Thunderbird. I've been thinking about it a lot again, and i really think that it would be the best course of action. No matter what i do, the degree would be helpful - and if anything it might serve as the kind of bump that puts your wheels back on track.

For those of you not in the know ("ask Dr. Know, there's nothing he doesn't") Thunderbird is an School of International Business. It's pretty well respected, and i know that if i got a degree from there, it would mean something, yknow? I could just walk up to the CEO of any big company and say "Hey, look at this! Hire me!" Granted that might not be a good idea for Enron, but the FBI might think of it as a plus... not to mention i would be able to apply as a field agent.

The only thing that kind of still worries me is that i haven't really had too much full time work experience... but fuggit! Doesn't hurt to apply. I'll just study for the GMATs, take em, apply for the fall or spring, and we'll see where it all goes from there, y'know?

Well folks - that's about all for now, i'm gonna go play some video games and eat some forbidden foods (Chubby Hubby anyone?) whilst visions of sugarplums dance in my head.

.... riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

HAVE A GREAT SUNDAY FOLKS!! (and don't forget it's Grandparents Day!!)

OKBYE!

KTBB

.Christian

PS: i'll write tonight and tell you all about the adventures we have at the mills and everywhere else! FUN TIMES!!

Saturday, September 6, 2003

What's with girls?

Ah yes, the age old question. One can't help but wonder sometimes if every single (numbers, not marital status) woman out there is just a tad bit psychotic. Seriously.

So yesterday, Kim calls me because she wanted to get a chance to talk to me before i went to work... this would normally be all well and good if it weren't for the fact that it was 7 o'clock in the morning, and i didn't even have to be at work till 3 in the afternoon. I related this to her in the nicest way i could - it's not that i didn't want to talk to her for some random reason, i didn't want to TALK - PERIOD... it could have been the fucking pope and i would have told him to call back later! Anyways, i didn't even say anything about wanting to go back to sleep, she just asked if i wanted her to let me go back to sleep, and so i replied "Yeah." And that was pretty much when i heard a click on the other end of the line.

OK. Is there a problem with wanting to sleep? At 7AM? When you're not working till 3PM?

So i call her cell phone, but noone picks up. I remembered her saying something about going to do a bunch of stuff, and so i just left a message asking her to call me back. EITHER WAY, i had asked her the first time around (at 7am) to call me back later when she was done with her stuff - as long as it was before i left for work, i'd be home.

So i come home last night and (btw Elise was waiting for me cause we were supposed to go minigolfing with APO) hit the 'play' button on the answering machine. One of the messages is a very-upset-Kim, relating to me that she tried me at work, on my cell, and at home.

First off - i haven't used my cell phone for a month because of my difference in opinion as to the size of my last bill. Second, i was at a different store last night - had she simply asked whoever it was if they knew whether i was working at a different store, they probably would have found out for her by asking the manager. OR, knowing that i said i would be at work, and thence finding out that i was not at my store, she may have tried to remember where it was that i said that i had worked, and asked my store for the phone number. Third, I was at work, therefore not at home.

After she has told me all this trouble that she went through she says something along the lines of "I give up."

O - K. that would have been all well and good - but you didn't hear the way she said it. Even poor Elise (who had entered the door only to be subjected to hearing this message) couldn't understand why kim was so upset.

So then, this morning, at 645AM kim calls again to say hi. I asked her if i could call her back later, as i was only going to be working from 11 to 3, and she says that she'll be hanging out with emily. I have no problem with her hanging out with emily, much to the contrary i like hearing that they're hanging out, cause they're best friends! they should hang out as much as possible while she's there! The problem i have is with the idea that i'm going to be blamed in some way for not making myself more available. ... Here's just a tip to all you people out there - if you call me before 7, hell 8 in the morning, all you're gonna get is grunts and one word answers. The good new that i got out of this morning is that kim won't have to do anything special to get on the airplane, cause that was a worry for a little while since she used our savings, and i'm the only one with a card to that - which we thought she might need to board the plane. ... long story short (too late!) she doesn't and it's all good.

I'm a little torn on the issue of her coming back, though. I really look forward to the girl i love coming home, y'know? Thing is i really don't want the girl that i argue with ever five minutes to come back at all. I just wish that we could trade some of the good to cancel out some of the bad ... i just wish it wasn't always so extreme! It's either that we're really happy, or reallly upset! Argh. I wish all this could be fixed, but i don't think it will be. I think it's just gonna get worse. Not because we won't try, but because there's only so much time that can go by, with so many arguments, before you start to just lose faith - i've already noticed a severe lacking in that department the last month or two, almost like we could just call it quits, and if i started regretting it, it would only be after a few months, when you start forgetting the bad things and miss the good.

I'm actually really upset about this - i don't understand what the hell we're doing together anymore. It would be fine if it weren't for all the arguing!! I'm about as laid back as you can get without being a pothead or something, yknow? Disagreements don't bother me, but it's the way that she responds - the way that she talks about things that we disagree about. It's almost like every thing that we disagree about is some catastrophic sign of how we'll "never get along, never agree". Personally, i don't think it's all about agreeing, but i like to discuss differences in opinion! I don't just say "Well, we're different, let's leave it at that."

Argh.

Double Argh.

urrrrrrrrr.

Well, this will all have to wait for another day, as work is drawing nigh.

Thank you for listening to this rant - I know it'll all work out in the end, but doesn't mean i want to sit idly by, waiting for changes in my life to effect themselves... yknow? I just want to know that this is the way it should be - or that it's not and how to fix it.

Ah well... off to work i go.

KTBB

.Christian

PS: I would say "catch ya on the flip side, baby" but i'm not going to sleep, and i have no desire to type it.
PPS: ... again. Type it again.

Friday, September 5, 2003

The Grass is Dead, Long Live the Grass.

Damn aquarium grass... i'm gonna have to clean my filter all over again because this shit grass (considering it's current color, the name is more apt than you might think) all got uprooted and twisted around the little spinning thing. ... ur.

So anyways, just to drop you all a quick line and let you know that i had a fun day, and B and Elise are the coolest people in the world :-)

... Oh, and RadioShack managers named Ed who work at the Fountain Hills store suck because they are too bossy, too egotistical, too arrogant, and too much the OPPOSITE of laid back. Just so you know.

I think i might blog in the morning and let you all know the fun details of life as Christian... maaaaaaaaaaaybe ;-)

KTBB

.Christian

PS: if not, no big loss - trust me ::Grin:: Catch ya on the flip side, baby!
PPS: I plan to add another entry to The Hollander Blogs soon, though i can't tell you for sure if it will be a continuation of the Flashback... most likely it will be a blog on current events. ... but hey! That's why i created the e-mail address! E-mail me with thoughts or requests - just keep in mind that it takes some time to for newbie writers like me to flesh out something they're proud enough to blog, so pick something that you'll really like, cause it may take a while to get another one up! (Yay! It's almost like some perverted version of a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure!!)

Thursday, September 4, 2003

Non-Depressing Blog

That's the truth, i swear! no deep thoughts (by jack handy) or reminisensces (whoooooa there ... SP??) for tonight - i will simply tell you that Knights of the Old Republic and I are getting along fairly well, and now that i have my lightsaber i can help everyone in the game a be a shining example of the light side of the force! ... of course that would be before my Dark Jedi kills all those same people and ransacks their homes for what little money they have. ... but hey, that's the fun of playing both sides, right?

Help em, heal em, kill em, steal em... that's what i say!

Right. Did i mention, btw, that this game is total fun factor?? And did i mention that i am a total pussy? Seriously, i must be the only person i know who has to take a break from the game whenever i'm playing the Dark Jedi so that i can play the good jedi for a little bit - cause i feel bad. Yeesh.

Anyways - i'm tired and going to sleep, but i wanted to acknowledge some very important people: first my michelles, who always know how to brighten my day with a simple IM - i may not be online when you send them dears, but i always get them... secondly, everyone else.

::grin::

Actually, i would like to take this time to mention that Chrissy rocks my world.

OK folks - enough talky talky. B and i are going minigolfing tomorrow, so i gots ta get goin. Tchau!

KTBB

.Christian

PS: Catch ya on the flip side, baby.
PPS: hah hah - thought i might have forgotten this time, huh? ;-)

Wednesday, September 3, 2003

All good in the hood,

Yo.

Just thought i'd comment briefly on the main context of my previous blog. ... That was it: the title.

So anyways, i have a great line-up of songs to listen to while i'm writing this - and i'm very excited.

Ah yes, "Creep" - A Capella. Mmmm.

Anyways, i think - Dammit!! OK, I KNOW that this whole "grass in the aquarium" thing was a stupid idea. YEESH. I swear to god, there's more grass coming out of this tank than there ever was IN it!! and i just don't understand why in the hell it all keeps coming back out of the gravel anyways! I just stopped putting it back in though - i've just been throwing it away as it comes out. I'm TOTALLY sick and tired of it. That and lilly peeing on the kitchen floor... That's another story i guess. Looks like the green is slowly seeping back into the other plants though - apparently that whole "too much iron" thing wasn't working out too well.

So i watched Episode 1 and Episode 2 tonight, trying to see if maybe i had misjudged the movies, and really they were just as epic and timeless as the first three. No. 1 was still lame and annoying, and 2 was still putsy and cheesy. I'm seriously pissed at Lucas. Did you notice that if you just took the basic story line, removed all the dialogue, and rewrote most of the action, THESE WOULD BE GREAT MOVIES!

I don't know what he did differently the first time, but it worked, yknow? No Jar-Fuckin-Jar. Nuff said.

But you know what my other problem with all this is? Aside from the "family oriented theming" of the most recent movies? 2 things. 1) They have been introducing characters into the movies without really thinking about the consequences! (ie: if C3PO and R2 are droids, and therefore have a seemingly permanent memory, why is it that they seem COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that they KNOW who Obi-Wan Kenobi is? Seems to me like they would know a HELL of a lot more than they did.)

"Don't fear the Reaper" (musical interlude)

2) I thought the clone wars would be badass - but so far they're setting up for a BIG fall in my esteem.

oh, and 3) did i mention this whole thing is full of stupid cheese? And i don't just mean the time when C3PO's head is being dragged off by R2 and he exclaims "Oh, this is such a drag!" No, i mean also the whole "cutting of the right hand" thing. OK. We know he's luke's father. There is absolutely NO need to rub it in our face like "Look Look!! Look at the ironic and mysterious coincidences that manifest themselves when you overlay the characters of Father and Son!! Look! LOOK! I'm George Lucas and i chew my kid's food for them too! I even play with their legos so they don't have to!!"

Fucker.

He took such an incredible, fantastical, indepth, interesting story, and just - well - i dunno, maybe he just got old. Old and uninteresting. Maybe getting rich reminded him that he was supposed to make money, not a good movie. And you know what? If this is what he WANTED for the original movies, i say shoot him. Shoot him in the head before he does something stupid and redoes the entire series in All-CGI. Ah hell, just shoot him in case he even THINKS about it.

I agree that CGI is cool, and that it can help develop and render ideas that had never been possible before - but they are a SUPPLEMENT. Got that Georgie? Fuckin Putz.

I'm sorry that i have to be so vulgar to express my deep-seated resentment of these movies, but i love Star Wars. It is the most captivating idea in the world. You hear me? Idea. Not movie, story, world, etc. - IDEA. It incorporates what must have been the beliefs of a very young, very innocent young man into a world where those beliefs are tangible. Problem is that the boy grew up. The story turned into a franchise... the idea became a plotline.

Damn shame if you ask me.

"Crash into me."

::sigh:: You know what i compare these movies to? In retrospect, i compare them to finding out that there is no santa clause, no easter bunny, no tooth fairy. Watching these most recent iterations of a seemingly timeless and infinite idea put it into perspective - it is just an idea. An idea that some young aspiring director invented and verbalized. It isn't real - in almost any sense. Watching these latest 2 movies is like finding out that your parents are some day going to die, and more importantly - so are you. It is the end of a childhood dream. The end, in some cases, of your childhood. It is the moment that the last open doorway that you passed by in the hallway of life has shut behind you, and you can no longer go back - can't even look, unless you want your eyes to melt with despair in their now-too-small sockets; the spit in your mouth turning to ash, and your heart chilling to the point where your blood freezes and your brain burns.

In other words it sucks.

A lot.

I miss being a kid. I don't mean first grade, mind you - though that WAS fun. I mean highschool, maybe even grade school. I miss having a chance to prove to someone how good i am. I miss doing badly in school and still being told how much potential i have. I MISS THAT. Do you know, i think it was the fault of all those teachers that said how smart they thought i was that i did badly in school? I didn't want to be the smart kid, i wanted to be Prince Hal! I wanted to be the sun behind the clouds, which is much more lustrous and vibrant than had it always been present. I guess that was my cry for help. Noone really heard or cared though - mind you i'm not being morose or saying i blame them - i just know that, if i were given another chance, i would do it all differently.

Differently.

Wow... i can't believe i just said that. I've always talked about how happy i am where i am - how much i believe that we all end up where we are for a reason... and i just negated all those statements of belief with one sentence.

...

Forgive me for making a sudden and shocking realization in the midst of a blog, and indeed typing every one of my thoughts out into cyberspace - where noone can hear you scream. Can you hear me? I think for the first time i just heard myself. I'm pissed. Super pissed.

I fucking hate this bullshit! What the hell am i doing here?! Why AM I HERE?! Why didn't i try harder? Why didn't i actually think about my life??? Look where i am!! Look at this! What if i'd done it right?! what if i'd done it better?! What if i'd tried instead of using every excuse i had to not do anything?

You know what my life is? I can sum it up in one story:

when i was in the 6th grade or so, i developed "asthma" - It conveniently disappeared in about a week, and this left about half a week before, and half a week after one of those glorious gym "mile run" days. You know the type, where you run the mile - one measly mile. I had "asthma". really i did. It was just "quick healing asthma", that's all.

The moral is this: I knew what was expected, and i knew that i didn't want to do it. Not because didn't think i could, but because i didn't want to find out if i was wrong - if maybe i COULDN'T do it, or COULD. I didn't want to know, because i knew that knowing might cause more problems either way. I didn't know, and i didn't care.

That seems to be my whole life - doing for the moment. Living for the things that i'm experiencing at the moment.

Now all i want is to live in the past. The land of woulda and coulda. I'd give anything to teach myself that lesson... to go back and teach myself that living life doesn't mean focusing only on the immediate - the tangible. I'm so disappointed in my past. I'm actually even kind of disappointed in my present. I don't think i'm in the right place. I don't think this is where i'm supposed to be. Maybe i never should have left NY, maybe that's where my life was put on pause, and is waiting for me.

I swear to god i feel it calling - pulling, YANKING! It's like if my body ceased to exist, my soul would be dragged quickly and roughly to the place where i'm supposed to be. I need to be there. Where? Where do i need to be dammit!!! Maybe it was illinois - maybe i shouldn't have left. ... god i know what this sounds like, but it's not - i swear! i didn't feel like this when i moved to peoria. i missed new york, my life, my friends, but i didn't miss it like this. I didn't feel like i had left my heart somewhere behind.

It feels like the butterflies. In your stomache, you know? The ones that flutter and fly when you're nervous, happy, sad - but it's not just flitting randomly about in there - it's a coordinated attempt at mass exodus. Exodus in one direction, wings beating frantically in a vain attempt to cut loose the cord which binds us and fly off over the moutains toward the horizon and the darkness opposing the moon.

Why is it like this? I don't understand what's going on - why i'm feeling like this. Most importantly - i want to know if i will ever be happy with who i am. If i will ever accept myself for who i am - who I've become. Not just saying it. Not just theorizing about the rational and correct choices and idea, but having them - doing them.

We are what life makes us - life is what we make it. Break free. ? somehow. just gotta - hafta - need to break free somehow. God, if there was ever a time for an answer, this is it. This is the time, the place, the soul in need.

"... and it must follow as the night the day,"

for now, i guess I'll catch ya - catch ya on the flipside, baby.

KTBB

.Christian

PS: It has been observed that the Hollander's author is no other than me, myself, and the other guy that lives in my head. This is absolutely true. I feel i should inform you all that for inspiration - The Hollander draws on a cult classic, and recently popular - yet now defunct - television series: The Highlander. That's part of the joke - thought you should get a glimpse at the punchline ;-) I will, btw, update it soon - i feel like i need to vent all this seemingly endless frustration... perhaps The Hollander, his sword, and his blog would be the best outlet. Time will tell, no?

PPS: Goodnight folks ... thanks for listening - i really appreciate it.

Monday, September 1, 2003

"Paranoia strikes deep..."

Damn Shibby. You know what? Damn fuckin-a Shibby.

Just so you all know, it's 850am, i've been awake for all of 20 minutes, and i'm superfuckin pissed. You remember i mentioned that last night i went to see SWAT? (told you about those periods) Well guess what? I WENT WITH B! OH NO!!! HORROR! SHAME! LAMENT!

fuck that.

Seriously, B has become not only my best friend here, but she's well one her way to making it to the top of the all-time list. And i'm supposed to what? Stop hanging out with her because she's a girl? Oh wait, i'm sorry, what? I'm supposed to stop hanging out with ALL girls? Oh... and i'm supposed to what? Stay at home all day every day with the exception of work, and stay home all night every night, unless if find some guys to hang out with? Oh, I'm supposed to meet these people at random or through work and instantly have people to hang out with who aren't female?? OK! Let's DO IT!

F-U-C-K THAT.

Let me let you all in on a little secret. I made a decision when we knew we were going to move out here that i would no longer get jealous about Kim hanging out with other people. I still haven't had to test that, but you know what? I might not ever have to. You know what she said to me today? "Well, i guess then ill go out with someone." The context of this conversation did not imply going out as "Friends". Just so you know Kim, if you ever read this, or think that my personal thoughts are important enough to glance at for a minute: If you ever go out with someone with more than friendship in mind, it's over. That second, that instant - the moment i see you (or hear from you- though THAT's pretty rare) it's over. I don't want to be with someone i can't trust - and i definitely don't want to be with someone who would do something like that because she was upset that i wasn't staying at home and being "lonely". Do you know that she actually said that? "Obviously you're not lonely without me." No matter what i said she kept implying that not only was i not lonely, but that i SHOULD be. How selfish is that? I may have thought that sometimes in my life when one of my girlfriends (even kim) was out with a bunch of people and i was far away, but after a YEAR AND NINE MONTHS???? that's bullshit. That's rude. You know what? Maybe she does have something do be jealous of. Not because i feel some special way about B, (which I don't, except to say what I said about her before) but because when we hang out, i have a good time! I enjoy myself! I laugh for christ's sake!!!!! I LAUGH!! and it's Friggin GREAT! And you know what?? It's been so long since i've been that happy around Kim (if ever) that i really wonder if this is how it's supposed to be!

So let's review:

1) I should be lonely.
2) I shouldn't hang out with friends of the opposite sex.
3) If i do, i should expect Kim to start going out with other guys.
4) This going out may not be exclusively as friends.
5) I should be lonely.

instead of finding new ways to break our relationship or my heart, why don't you try finding a way to fix them. Or is that too much to ask? Is it more important to you to have someone to hate? Is it more important to you to prove that you can't trust anyone except yourself? Grow up. I've done nothing but give my all to you, and you've done nothing but ask for more. You want to find a way to stop me from dating other people? (which i'm not fucking doing) Give me a reason to think that our relationship is still worth having - cause at this point, i'd rather not have a relationship, and not argue anymore, than have one and argue every night and every day. EVERY FUCKING DAY. Your call.

I apologize to everyone else who's reading this - especially since Kim most likely won't even look over it, and therefore you are the only ones who will ever know what i just said. To those who believe in this kinda thing: Gimme some positive energy, folks. To those who don't? Pray to your respective deities for me. To those who don't feel like doing either or are completely atheistic? Have a great Labor Day! (i guess that should go to everyone ::grin::)

KTBB

.Christian

PS: I'd say "catch ya on the flip side, baby" but since i just woke up, that might not make too much sense :-)
PPS: Bed Bugs, however, they're ever-present ;-)

"lookie lookie, i got a hookie"

Yay Rufio.

So we just saw S.W.A.T. (i'm not spending my time with those periods again, just so you know) and i must say - it was decent. Not "Great!!" or "Stupendous!" but not "Shameful..." or "Terrible!" either. I actually rather liked the end - before the cheese that came pre-credits.

I just got a new game called Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Can i just say wow? That's really all i'll put in at this juncture. Sure they could have improved some stuff - but mostly, this is a kickass game. Really addictive too. (did YOU see a blog last night?)

I just tried some new stuff with my fish tank - the water's all cloudy now though, so i must have thrown more stuff out of whack than i had thought i would. Mostly to do with the PH, though as i think i mentioned somewhere before, i don't plan on adding any Fe for a little while either... but i didn't change more than 20% or so of the water.... hm. Oh, and btw, i'm a genius. Some of you may recall (well, unless you've never talked to me in person) that i was having some problems with air bubbles going from the bubble wand into my filter? Well no more! I took two straws, cut them a little shorter, split them lengthwise, and after putting one over part of the wand, put the other over the first to secure it. Do you know what i was aiming at here? Good. Cause it worked! the bubbles now "mysteriously" vanish for a bit around the filter - no more air! gorry i'm cool.

Do you know what the best thing about Cool Whip and Phish Food is? That's it. Cool Whip and Phish Food. Yum. Though i must say, if this doesn't shock my metabolism back into action, nothing will. (PS: yes, i'm still keeping myself low on carbs - but i want to keep my body burning, so i'm throwing it a few curve balls once a week) Gosh, that's some major deja-vu. Wow.

OK folks - i know this was a REAL interesting read, but i'm gonna go ni ni now. Not even gonna play KOTOR, just sleep. Catch ya on the flip side, baby.

KTBB

.Christian

Friday, August 29, 2003

MY DEAR GOD. Has it really been that long?

Well i made it a week or so without missing a day, and now 2 in a row!! yeesh! well, i'm sure you'll all forgive me somehow - or not, but i'm hoping yes.

What's up with you?? It's been so long since we chatted that i think the world must be completely different since then... no? really? you mean i haven't missed much? funny that. There hasn't been much going on here either.

Well, let's see if i can give you the skinny on what's going down here - though considering how little that is, the "skinny" might resemble an anorexic broom... but hey, you're reading, so ill provide the literatura.

Wait. I have to pee.

Ah, yes... much better.

So as i was saying, "ON WITH THE LITERATURE! HO!"

So i'm sure you're all dying to hear news about Lilly, Obie, Othello, and Ori. Let me start with the puppy, because she and i had words. Actually, i don't really wanna talk about the puppy - suffice it to say that she got a new kennel and she's apparently liking it a lot more than the old one!

Obie? yeah well, he's being obie. Oberon's not much for attention, but when he doesn't get it he tends to get a little jealous. (refraining from making a general comparison to women here) ... (whoops, i don't think i was actually gonna type that whole thing out...) ... (yeah there was definitely supposed to be some censoring between my brain and my fingers... damn it all, i think it's happening again.)

RIIIIIIIGHT. ... what's an ark?

The fish are doing great, and i think that i finally figured out what is wrong with the plants... TOO MUCH EFfing FE! (iron folks, Fe is iron) So what i'm planning on doing is restructuring my methodology a little. First, i'll give the tank a 2 week break with the Plant Fertilizer - and i'll finally figure out how many dang drops is in 10 ml and start measuring right. Plan 2B (i couldn't decide whether to go with a 2 or a B - fuggit!) is to start using a 2:1 mixture of tap water to mineral water during water changes. ... let's see, that's 1/3 of 1/4 of 7 gallons.... hmmm.... ok look, if you figure that one out, then translate it into quarts and/or liters for me and send it to my e-mail address. I saw a 10 gallon tank for 10 bucks - the only thing was that the hood was 24, but hell, that's still just 34, yknow? so i thought about it, then i just kinda kicked myself and said: that's 34 bucks that you don't need to be spending on a "Plant Tank" ... then i kicked myself back and yelled something about never kicking me again - that's when people started looking at me kinda funny and i started pointing accusatory fingers. ... of course that didn't work out too well either. I guess i could understand the whole "panicked look on all their faces" thing now that i look back on it - but it wasn't my fault! I started it! ... wait ... damn.

And so we flit back to the world of normalcy...

Have y'all read the Hollander yet? I know it's just a little bit of a teensy weensy look into what may or may not be an interesting escapade, but i'd like to know what you think! If you've never seen The Highlander, and you can't imagine me in a trenchcoat and wooden clogs, then - well... you're lucky i guess.... Either way, read The Hollander with patience - I ain't Steven King (notice i refrained from inserting a "no" after the "ain't"??? HAH HAH! Die, double-negative scum!) and I don't expect to be, so the grammar, descriptive ability, and all-in-all imagination may be lacking. "love me, that's all i ask of you!"

So I'm thinking about getting a job at Game Crazy or one of these other video game places - the pay is shit but i get free rentals!! (up to three at a time, limit one porno per customer, certain restrictions may apply) Besides, it's not like i'm gonna be makin a lotta pinata (what?) any time soon anyways, i might as well have a nice, relaxing place to go that isn't home and i get cool stuff for! Plus hey, discount, nuff said.

I dunno though... we'll see how it goes.

Is anyone here good at writing resumes? Or know someone who is? Or better yet, know someone in the Radio biz? I could sure use a few pointers. I just looked at my resume tonight (BTW, BIGASS Thankyou to Mike MC for helpin me out with that one - though he probably has no clue that i even have this little page) and though it may be a good IT go-getter resume, i don't know how to rework it to BS ... uh, i mean HIGHLIGHT my past work experiences! Again, e-mail.

I dunno - life's kinda crazy right now. Even though it's pretty stable, it feels like it's still transitioning, yknow? Like the wave has passed, but the undertow is tugging a little at your feet. ... of course that could be a shark, but let's think optimistically here. It's just that i don't really know where i'm headed right now - but i know that i don't want to go back, and i have no clue if i should bother going forward. I know that's totally stupid to say - let me think of a better way to express my emotions here:

I don't know if i am where i'm supposed to be, or if not, where i'm supposed to go - but i have a feeling that the previously mentioned undertow (not meant in a threatening or depressing manner at all - it could in fact be replaced by a "current" analogy if not for the whole "wave" thing) isn't quite done with me yet, and i'll be experiencing a fairly significant alteration in my life or lifestyle before this feeling passes. Note i made no mention of when that might be. As an old answering machine message used to say "... I may be Magnificent, but I am NOT psychic!" ::sigh:: those were the good old days. I think some of my fondest college memories revolve around my answering machine. Seriously - how special do you feel after you walk in the door and hear that beeping sound telling you that you have a message??

The joys of a letter or a postcard have been replaced by the quick high of an answering machine message, IM, or more commonly, E-Mail.

There was a time when i would have thought it odd that i'm getting depressed thinking about answering machine messages and IMs, but not anymore. Have you ever noticed that for most of us in the CyberGeneration (make no mistake, that's what we are... just ask Gramma IDontKnowHowToTurnThisDarnThingOn) can gauge the progression of our college (and highschool for you youngins) careers through IMs and E-Mails? Seriously, think about it! Compare: The last time you went to a coffee house, or a common area to hang out with your friends was probably nowhere near as recent as the last time that you had 5 IM windows open at the same time - at least one of those being of someone right down the hall from you!

Evolution?? This is fucking recockulous! Helps with homework?? Oh dear! How the fuckadiddly did we EVER survive 10, 8, or even just 5 years ago? You know what I remember doing on the internet? JACK. You know what i remember doing in the Library? HOMEWORK. And if you go into the library nearest you right now, what are the odds that the computer you would otherwise sit down at is being used by some jackass who's typing up an email with his "homework" minimized in the background?

I don't think the internet's the devil. Hell, I blog on it! Not like i'm gonna go out and post a page of a diary a day on some random bulletin board! But what are we trading here? I remember when you had to know a guy who's uncle had a few pornos hidden away so that you could even see a naked chick for the first time in your pre-teen life! Now these fucking AIM bots (and don't even ask me how i REALLY feel about those fucking fuckers) send Instant Messages to almost anyone, regardless of age, sex, or level of fucking maturity!

You know what i did when i was first starting with the internet? I talked to people. Random people. In CHAT ROOMS. You remember those? I know there are some people out there who still use them, but for the most part they've turned into the skanky train station elevator that noone goes into unless they wanna smell like urine and semen for the rest of the night.

I hate this fucking shit. Really i do. And yet i'm stuck on it just like everyone else. You wanna know what Karl Marx's "Opiate of the Masses" would be if he was alive today? The internet. Even the most uninterested, hobbyless, sanctimonious person in the world could waste hours on the internet if you sat them down at the right place, the right time, and in possession of a credit card or two.

Online video games? Same thing. People killing people they don't even know, BECAUSE they don't know them. Have you ever been playing one of those games and shot one of the good guys in the back of the head, just because? Because you knew it wasn't real? Because you knew that he would just spawn back in a minute or two and you'd be on the same team again? maybe have a little laugh? maybe kill each other, or flame mail each other, just because? Don't get me wrong. Video games don't kill people - Ignorant, apathetic, parents raising selfish, hateful, psychotic children kill people. Oh, and so do their kids, who i previously mentioned were selfish, hateful, and psychotic.

I don't know why i'm ranting about all this. I guess i miss the old days - the ones i never knew. I miss thinking that i really could just leave everything behind and go meditate and wander the world.

...

I would too. I know it. I know that if i didn't have a family, girlfriend, cat, puppy, and fish, that i would just leave. Sell everything, maybe put it in some sort of investment account with a will that stated that if i hadn't returned to claim the money on or by my 100th birthday, the money was to be donated equally to every honest homeless shelter in the country. Hell, maybe i'd come collect it myself at the end just so i could make sure the money got to people who needed it.

Did you know i find society to be a terrible disappointment? It's true. I feel sick and sorry for the world all at once. Not the US. Not the Middle East. Not China, the UK, France, Russia, or the Czech Republic. The whole world. The whole selfish, hateful, psychotic (catch THAT reference) thing.

Do you remember when you were a kid? Passing a bum on the street and wondering why he was dressed and smelled funny? Why he had to ask for money? Do you remember finding out that someone in your school, or someone in their family had a severe medical condition that wouldn't go away, and they had to ask for help, or drop out of school? Do you remember going to church and saying prayers for those people? Do you remember going back home and sleeping in your bed, and dreaming of how bad it was that people had to go through that? Do you remember? Maybe you weren't in that situation, but i guarantee that you were in one that was pretty similar, or that it was happening all around you, though you might not have known. Do you remember ever during that time, offering, really offering with the intent to give, everything that you possessed, including your time and energy, no matter how meager your possessions, if only it would help those people?

... I didn't think that last one would ring a bell. Don't think me cruel. I know that we all care - we all give. I know it's not your way to take and not to put back. I know that i have spent the last few years of my life thinking that i was putting everyone else ahead of myself. Maybe i was. I don't think so. As i sit here in my posh leather chair in front of my 21" computer screen with surround sound speakers and a fewhundred-if-not-more-dollar desk, i don't think i could really say that i give more than i get. I don't think i could ever have the right to say that i think of others first. I'm a sham. And you know what else? Knowing it makes it worse.

So what's to stop me from leaving it all behind? To just give up on the human race? No i'm not talking about some sort of suicide - i not only don't believe in it, but i think it's a waste of the only thing we have that we didn't have beg, borrow, or steal for. Even things you've been 'given' by your parents, gifts from others - they don't really count when you die, do they? neither does your body - if you think about it the only thing that you've got that was yours just because is that spark - call it the energy in your brain that forms coherent thought, or call it divine influence, breath, spirit, whatever. It's there. We've all seen a corpse at one time in our lives - what's the real difference between them and you? A heart beat? An electronic impulse? Have you ever see a person who was brain dead? Not all those people are being kept alive by some machine - which means their brain is, in fact, still working to some autonomic capacity... but they're not really alive, are they?

::sigh:: I wish i could tell you all everything that i think about this subject, but alas the blog would be too long, my diatribe would be too boring, and in the end, it wouldn't solve anything. I just wish i could go - leave everything. Maybe it's me wanting to run away, avoid the undertow, stop growing up, lose responsibility ... whatever it is, maybe it's not my choice anyways. We are where we should be, right? Remind me to get into my thoughts on fate some time ;-)

Well folks, thank you for lending an ear to my ranting and raving... even if you didn't thank you for skipping down to this part and reading this sentence - if you did neither, the winning lotto number for tomorrow is 2412, but you won't find that out till tomorrow, will you?

KTBB

.Christian

PS: I love my life - i wouldn't ever change a thing about where i am or how i got here ... i guess it's just the question of where i'm going that gets to me sometimes. Catch ya on the flip side, baby.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Repose, repose, my kindom for a - wait a minute...

I lament to inform you of this, but i have officially drained all my desire to blog with tonight's "The Hollander" Blog. PLEASE feel free to check it out.

OH!! and i have my e-mail address all set up!! just click on the link to your right and it will open a window in your default mail program, otherwise, just send something to XeroBlog@cox.net! YAY :-) And btw, you don't have to include the word 'blog' anywhere in the subject line now, just can just send it to the address i just mentioned and it will be filed correctly!

... YAY!

Well, this is my cue. Catch ya on the flip side, baby ;-)

KTBB

.Christian

Monday, August 25, 2003

Have you ever wondered: "What's with Today, today?"

I know it's not been too long since we last met, but i HAD to see you again! Oh sigh, oh blush! Oh lordy lordy lordy, what is all this ucky mush?

Did you like my poem? I thought so.

Talent. T-A-L-E-N-T. Oh yeah.

Hey LOOK!!! I can make links and stuff now! There's a BUTTON!! oh.... it's just a script to insert a tag. ... ::sigh:: i bet if i wrote something in between a "<" and a ">" it wouldn't appear. hmmm... apparently i was wrong! how bout a ? hmmm... i guess i was right!! sighs will henceforth be written in between pairs of colons! Let it be so! ha HA! ... well that was fun.

So yeah, i'm forcing Lilly (like she would really put up a fight) to sleep in her kennel (welllll, then again) tonight, hell, maybe for a while. She actually stood there, looked up at me, squatted, and peed... ON HER BED!!!

Cool? No.

I had a pretty good time tonight :-) I went out with Kim H., Elise my Niece, Angie from Bradley, and B (aka nonickname) to this awesome(ish) tavern(ish) sports bar(ish) place where they had all you can eat(ish) wings! Of course, they didn't have any of the beers i wanted, i got charged up the wazoo for substitutions, discriminated against by Steve (aka Chad) because i was the only person at the table that didn't want his phone number, and tried to eat a WetNap... but all-in-all i had a great time!!! Seriously, that last bit totally underplayed how nice it was to be out with my friends chillin' like villains, which was possibly the most awesome and entertaining time (aside from several Yahoo! conversations and Freezer Section Frolicks with a certain funny person who shall remain (::ahem:: B ::ahem::) nameless for the time being) that i've had since i moved here! Yay for the Vine!

My fish are cool.

Seriously, i know that noone else is as gung-ho about them as i am, and that they are just stupid fish to most people that meet them, but i think they're supercool. And believe it or not, they require as much care as the other pets! (actually, MORE than Oberon, who requires minimal care and will take whatever attention you can muster if he's in the mood)

Muster.

...

Wow.

OK, so musicmatch jukebox just annoyed the hell out of me. I kept trying to do this "repair broken links" thing, and it kept saying "oh, no no, everything's FIIIIIINE!!! TRUST me!!! Nothing out of place HERE!"

Then i try to play a file.

Fuck you Jukebox.

:-)

So anyways, while stupidhead thingerdoodle is sloooooooowly re-finding ALLL my songs.... urrrr.

I think i'm going to get a tank, maybe one that's like, 2 gallons, and make it just for plants... whaddaya think? Toss a feeder goldfish in there for fertilizer? (ok, i'm not that cruel folks, i meant the nitrogen cycle and YOU KNOW IT)

So did i ever tell you about the time my gas pedal fell off? Fun times.

You know you're male and unafraid of dying when your lemonade smells funny and you stop breathing for a second so it tastes normal, but you don't take the time to try and figure out why your lemonade would be smelling that way in the first place, and if it's maybe not a good idea to drink it.

I think maybe the whole hairband thing was maybe not so good.... i don't think the grass is very happy right now. ... ::sigh:: oh well. sorry grass, but we all have to go some time.

"And I may be the Mayor of Simpleton, but I know one thing, and that's 'I love you.'" -XT(friggin)C

Man, i really have to get my butt into gear sometime soon. I want to get myself on the job market for that radio job, i have to clean the apartment, (i never said Kim was WRONG, i just disagreed with the PHRASING) and in the more immediate future, i have to go outside and get little lilly's kennel for tonight. I really hate doing it to her, but this might be the only way she'll learn! ... Or ill be giving her a bath bright and early tomorrow.... either way.

did you know that my name is luka? Me neither.

Maybe if i go now i can read a little bit of the Count of Monte Cristo. I stopped reading it before the move and didn't get a chance to get back into it.... ::sigh:: (that's a lot of sighing going on tonight.... wheat thins is crazy!!)

Oh, about that whole email thing, i've been trying to get it all up and going, but Cox was a little bit more than vulnerable to the "Worm" than they were prepared to handle, and so i'm suffering. I'll try calling it in tomorrow, but no promises. In the meantime, if you really want to, you can send me a message at XeroTolerance@cox.net ... just please include the word "blog" (notice i didn't say "blogging", or "blogspot") in the subject line... coo?

Soon my pretties, i will have it all done... i swear!

OK folks - this is me signing off.

KTBB!

.Christian

PS: catch ya on the flip side, baby. (whew, that was just waiting to come out)

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM!

For the first time since i began this blogging craziness - i missed my blog last night.

I do SO apologize to everyone about that... you must all be very disappointed :-( Wheat thins will not stand! I will make you all happy again my telling you that today is a new day! It is in fact, not yesterday, or saturday, but TOday! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaay (in preacher voice, not exclamatory voice) though it may be unto yesterday though it be begotten by the day before, yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaay (ditto) this is today, this day!

What do I mean?! Absolutely nothing really. No big life changes, or revelations... can i just say something, though? Why is it that some people feel uncomfortable telling you about things that are bothering them until the very last second? And then act like it's your fault for not knowing they would be upset? Of couse, i speak of noone you know.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, i had a great time last night chillin with B :) I think we had more fun walking through the freezer section of the supermarket than i've had doin anything in a long time! Go funny people!

Thanks also goes out to Kim H. for inviting me to the baseball game yesterday! It was REALLY fun! Well, mostly the last inning, but still, pretty much the whole thing was a very enjoyable experience! ... though we got stuck in traffic and i was a psycho driver... details :-)

So i never told you guys about all the stuff the i did on saturday!!! Well, i pretty much did nothing before or after work, and for the most part, at work i didn't do much either. UNTIIIIIIIL around 330 or 4 or so. Get this - i had about 10 tickets, with 8 dollars a ticket or so. (that's 80 dollars folks) Then this lady walks in and wants me to tell her about the Casio cameras! Well, to make a long story short, she bought the same camera i have, and a memory card, and a starter kit! All told, it was around 500some dollars. Wow. But that's not the fun story!

around 5 or so, i'm thinking about getting out a little early, when this woman and her daughter and daughter's friend walk into the store. At first i thought about maybe just giving someone else the sale, because i really don't know that much about the sprint phones and pricing, but thankfully, shana didn't want the ticket - so i proceeded.

First off, let me tell you now what would have otherwise waited till the end of the story: This lady (i won't use her name in light of privacy issues) is one of the coolest people i have ever met in my entire life! She was supernice! She asked me a bunch of questions and respected the answers, but at the same time she was obviously no dummy. I learned a whole bunch of stuff about Guam, and how someday if i go to China, i should go to Macao - the portuguese (settlement?) part of the country. All in all - a cool person.

So the end of the story is that she not only possessed all the characteristics listed above, but she also gave me an incredible sale. She bought a camera phone, a warranty on said phone, 4 accessories, (3 for her daughter, 1 for her) a router, a jack splitter, an ethernet cable - and then she put it all on her brand new RadioShack card! It was great - really awesome. Just so you know folks - i know that we don't all have enough money to just go out and buy whatever we want, but let me tell ya something - nothing makes a salesperson feel better than you buying something as a result of their effort to help you. It really does validate our otherwise verylowpaying position.

Meanwhile, tori is singing about a black dove.

I worked on the tank yesterday, and in half the time, with about 80% less effort, i managed to make the tank look better than it has in a long time, with very little change from what it looked like before i started working on it! I think i might be getting better at this thing! :-) Seriously, the only thing that got knocked out of the substrate (that's gravel) was some of the spiralling grass stuff that i have - and that was easy enough to put back in.

I decided that i wasn't going to allow the algae to continue thriving on the back and side walls of the tank. I know some 'aquarists' (what a funny name) may think it is appealing, but i think it's gross. So there.

So yesterday i went all out with the "breaking of the diet" ritual. It was actually kinda sick ;-) We made CPK pizza (bbq chx) and moz stix, and potato skins, and for dessert we had stawberry boston cream cake (is that the name??) with ice cream (chubby hubby for b, phish food for me) and a dollop of coolwhip.

...

Wow.

i don't think either of us will be eating any time soon. (until lunch anyways ::grin::)

On a personal note- and i'm sorry, but i have to vent -i don't understand why kim is pissed at me! it's like, last night we were talking on the phone (which is the only contact we're having, and VERY limited at that) and instead of talking about what we were doin, or what's up, or whatever, she starts laying into me about picking up and doing the laundry that's 'been lying around since we moved in'. WHAT-EV-ER. One of the few times that we talk, and she wants to get into it about something that may or may not be true, but either way has no relevance! She's not here! Won't be for another 2 weeks! How the hell would she know i didn't clean??

You know what - i know this is one sided - but that's why you read this blog, right? To hear my side of the story. So i'll just say it and get it over with: If i'm going to be talking to my girlfriend on the phone, it better not be so that i can get told what i should be doing to clean an apartment that she can spend the entire day in without cleaning! I know that i don't work 24/seven (which is a good thing, because she would lay into me about THAT too!) and that i could do more around the house - but as far as i'm concerned, if she's staying inside ALL DAY LONG (as she is want to complain NONSTOP about) then maybe when i come home, it should be to a clean house! I have almost as much of her stuff to clean up as mine! I love her, but i swear to God, i'll be - ... urrrrrr. That's as far as i'll get into that. You guys don't really know her that well, and so i don't want to give you a bad impression of her - which may or may not occur as a result of this one-sided rant. Let me just say this though: I'm not perfect, and i know i do stupid things, but that doesn't make me an asswhole, or a jerk, and it certainly doesn't mean that i should be made to feel like one.

The biggest problem i have right now is that i'm fairly sure that the reason all this arguing (notice i said THIS - as in: 'as opposed to any other time. (and there are a lot of them)) is happening in the first place is because i went to the baseball game with Kim H. and then hung out with B. WELL SO WHAT?! I told her about these things in advance, and there was plenty of time to tell me if she had a problem with it! I even recorded the game for her, just like she asked! I TRIED TO TAKE VIDEO OF THE GOOD PARTS OF THE GAME! I did EVERYTHING i could, even bought a souvenier program and guide for her! What the HELL was i supposed to do?! Fly out on a private fucking jet and bring her to the game?! ... i'm getting upset. I apologize for that. I'm sure that by now, those of you that know me probably know that i don't losing control of my temperament. I just wish i knew what it was that i'm supposed to do. She went to chicago and for 2 weeks i could either stay at home, go to work, or hang out with my friends - who are ALL female. Should i just get rid of that last possibility and spend the rest of my time at home and work??

::sigh::

Anyways. It's getting to be around 1030, and i'm sure i've given all of you enough to stomache for one day. I have to go and (did i tell you about this?? it's so much fun!!) do my yoga. Usually takes about an hour, so i'll be doing some fastforwarding through the stuff i still can't do because of my wrist (and every other excuse i can come up with ::grin::) and see if i can't shave some time off the routine.

Did you know that Gouda is dead? It's true, i read it somewhere.

I'm gonna set up an e-mail that you can all send stuff too and comment on the blog, my life, or whatever. It will be XeroBlog@cox.net and MAY be active by the time you read this. (unless you read it after tomorrow, in which case, change that MAY to WILL)

Thank you all for listening to my rant, and not reversing the charges.

;-P

.Christian

PS: if i don't see you tonight - ktbb.