Sunday, September 21, 2003

"Here i am again"

Guess who's back? Back again? Christian's back! Tell a friend!

So yeah, Underworld was a pretty cool movie - I knew my sister really wanted to see it, so i figured since we only get to hang out once in a while we should just watch that, y'know? I can't wait to see it with Elise and B though, 'cause i know we'll have a good time watching it together.

So yeah - what can i catch you up on? Hmm.. well i guess you'll have to wait until the next line, cause i have to go to the bathroom.

OK, so as i was saying :-) I guess the biggest, most recent news is that i got Dish network for the apartment. It's a two room system with a personal video recorder (you can pause live TV... yay!) and a buttload of channels - well, for the first 3 months anyways. I figure hey, i was with direcTV for 4 years or so, so there's probably no harm in signing up for a 2 year contract with dish, yknow?

Inventory was supposed to be this weekend, but we ended up deciding to do it all day on wednesday - which wisdom i kind of doubt, but there's not much i can do at this point. At least the trip up to california was fun though, y'know? Fun-ish anyways, with the exception of the whole "kim" thing. See, it's been getting progressively worse over the last couple days - to the point now where it seems like everything I say is some kind of trouble just waiting to happen. I guess it doesn't help much that I haven't been much in the mood to talk lately... maybe it is because of her, i don't know, but either way i don't think it's very fair to automatically assume that i have some sort of problem and start giving me attitude, y'know?

Hopefully this whole thing with her going out last night and staying over at this Brian kid's place will help relieve her paranoia. Either way though, i'm not sure that it would be very smart for me to stay in this relationship, y'know? I think the big problem here is that no matter what people say, they're still the same people they were in highschool - on some level anyways.

We don't change that much you know, because people may grow and adapt, but at some level, highschool is an open expression of who people are and want to be, and because on another level. highschool bends you into who you are, and who you want to be - and when the two are at odds, it's a toss-up on who wins. I mean seriously - look at who you were in highschool and tell me you're totally different. You can't honestly do it, can you? The reason why is simple - we're still trying to overcome/prove/change things about ourselves in highschool. Even you old fogies who're reading this ;-)

To be more specific, Kim and i are both insecure and seeking acceptance - which makes it very hard to survive, because neither of us can really rely on the other for a strong foundation, no matter how much i may tell myself otherwise.

Another problem is that neither of us knows how to really handle our emotions... it's either all in, or all out - y'know?

All in all - i'm still the downcast "outside the crowd" loser, and she's still the "trying to stay popular" princess. I am of course using metaphorical license here.

Ah well. I just wish i had the strength to say "Look - i seriously want this relationship to end. If it's meant to be, something will bring us back together, but as far as i'm concerned, i think we'd both be a lot happier without each other." Me and my damn Mother Theresa complex. I think the thing that would upset me the most about her moving out is the dog - Lilly. I really love that little puppy, but i know that Kim wouldn't let her go. Thing is that she doesn't love her for the same reasons as i do, yknow? I love her because i've been taking care of her, getting used to her, feeling like i was responsible for her safety, training, and all around proper growth. Kim loves her for maybe some of the same reasons, but mostly because she's always wanted a puppy of her own, and Lilly's it - even though ::ahem:: she left for two weeks to go back to Chicago without a second thought about how it would affect Lilly's perception, health, or growth.

I'm not bitter.

I think though, that maybe Lilly would be happier living with Kim, yknow? I really do spend a lot of time out of the house, and though Oberon can handle that (and i think he actually enjoys his reign of the apt) i don't want my poor little lilly to be alone in the house for too long - not as a puppy, y'know? Maybe Kim's unconditional puppy love would be a lot better for her now, especially since most of the training is really complete. (though i think perhaps commands will cease to exist from Lilly's vocabulary, and 'sit' 'stay' and 'heel' will lose all meaning)

So we're supposedly going to LegoLand today, though Kim's not called yet - speak of the devil.

Mary's giving them directions right now. ::sigh:: For a guy that's pretty much laid back about everything in his life, mine seems determined to complicate itself. I guess maybe i should try to stop lying back so far and take some more control... yknow? Maybe that would help. Hm.

Man i miss my friends. I miss knowing where my life was going. I miss everything about oh, 3 months ago. That and my friends here. ::sigh:: i think i miss everything about my life except having more arguments with Kim. Actually, there's something else i miss - being around Kim and feeling like it was a good thing. I miss that too. I used to think that it would come back, and i guess i got a glimpse of how good things could be a few days ago, but that glimpse disappeared. The Kim that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with is gone. Think i'll get another glimpse? I don't know. I'll talk to her about it once we get home.

I need to get more plants for my aquarium.

I need to change the water.

I need to beat the next level in my game.

I need to blog again tonight or tomorrow.

I need to talk to my friends, maybe go out.

God, i need to have a simple life again. That's all. I guess i thought that maybe things with Kim could be simple and happy, but it turns out there complex and miserable. ::Sigh::

B said something that made a lot of sense - after insisting that i understand that she was by no means telling me to call it quits with Kim, she said "make sure you aren't in it for the wrong reasons". Friday night, Kim was on the phone with her friend Emily, and apparently they were talking about relationships, and Kim said "well that's why you're not married, because you may not be sure". and that made a lot of sense to me. It made me think: "That's right, that's exactly right. That's why we're not married. We're not married because we're not sure, and that doesn't mean that we have to devote the rest of our live to figuring it out. We're not married, and it's about time that i start remembering that, because as most everyone, especially a few certain "pool buddies" will tell you, i've been acting like we ARE married for quite some time now.

Things to think about i guess.

Okily dokily, i gots ta get goin. It's about time i stop bitchin and start doin, eh? I seriously felt like not blooging made me want to explode! I think i was actually going to go insane! So this is what it comes down to. This is my catharsis.

Hm.. random thought: I should enlist Elise and B to watch monday night football with me! that would be a ton a fun! we could play QB1! heh heh, that would rock. Well. Until i got my ass whooped by two girls that is, cause that's no glory. ;-)

Well, i'm off to find out where legoland is. It was nice talking at ya again! ::grin::



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