Monday, September 1, 2003

"Paranoia strikes deep..."

Damn Shibby. You know what? Damn fuckin-a Shibby.

Just so you all know, it's 850am, i've been awake for all of 20 minutes, and i'm superfuckin pissed. You remember i mentioned that last night i went to see SWAT? (told you about those periods) Well guess what? I WENT WITH B! OH NO!!! HORROR! SHAME! LAMENT!

fuck that.

Seriously, B has become not only my best friend here, but she's well one her way to making it to the top of the all-time list. And i'm supposed to what? Stop hanging out with her because she's a girl? Oh wait, i'm sorry, what? I'm supposed to stop hanging out with ALL girls? Oh... and i'm supposed to what? Stay at home all day every day with the exception of work, and stay home all night every night, unless if find some guys to hang out with? Oh, I'm supposed to meet these people at random or through work and instantly have people to hang out with who aren't female?? OK! Let's DO IT!


Let me let you all in on a little secret. I made a decision when we knew we were going to move out here that i would no longer get jealous about Kim hanging out with other people. I still haven't had to test that, but you know what? I might not ever have to. You know what she said to me today? "Well, i guess then ill go out with someone." The context of this conversation did not imply going out as "Friends". Just so you know Kim, if you ever read this, or think that my personal thoughts are important enough to glance at for a minute: If you ever go out with someone with more than friendship in mind, it's over. That second, that instant - the moment i see you (or hear from you- though THAT's pretty rare) it's over. I don't want to be with someone i can't trust - and i definitely don't want to be with someone who would do something like that because she was upset that i wasn't staying at home and being "lonely". Do you know that she actually said that? "Obviously you're not lonely without me." No matter what i said she kept implying that not only was i not lonely, but that i SHOULD be. How selfish is that? I may have thought that sometimes in my life when one of my girlfriends (even kim) was out with a bunch of people and i was far away, but after a YEAR AND NINE MONTHS???? that's bullshit. That's rude. You know what? Maybe she does have something do be jealous of. Not because i feel some special way about B, (which I don't, except to say what I said about her before) but because when we hang out, i have a good time! I enjoy myself! I laugh for christ's sake!!!!! I LAUGH!! and it's Friggin GREAT! And you know what?? It's been so long since i've been that happy around Kim (if ever) that i really wonder if this is how it's supposed to be!

So let's review:

1) I should be lonely.
2) I shouldn't hang out with friends of the opposite sex.
3) If i do, i should expect Kim to start going out with other guys.
4) This going out may not be exclusively as friends.
5) I should be lonely.

instead of finding new ways to break our relationship or my heart, why don't you try finding a way to fix them. Or is that too much to ask? Is it more important to you to have someone to hate? Is it more important to you to prove that you can't trust anyone except yourself? Grow up. I've done nothing but give my all to you, and you've done nothing but ask for more. You want to find a way to stop me from dating other people? (which i'm not fucking doing) Give me a reason to think that our relationship is still worth having - cause at this point, i'd rather not have a relationship, and not argue anymore, than have one and argue every night and every day. EVERY FUCKING DAY. Your call.

I apologize to everyone else who's reading this - especially since Kim most likely won't even look over it, and therefore you are the only ones who will ever know what i just said. To those who believe in this kinda thing: Gimme some positive energy, folks. To those who don't? Pray to your respective deities for me. To those who don't feel like doing either or are completely atheistic? Have a great Labor Day! (i guess that should go to everyone ::grin::)



PS: I'd say "catch ya on the flip side, baby" but since i just woke up, that might not make too much sense :-)
PPS: Bed Bugs, however, they're ever-present ;-)

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