Wednesday, September 3, 2003

All good in the hood,


Just thought i'd comment briefly on the main context of my previous blog. ... That was it: the title.

So anyways, i have a great line-up of songs to listen to while i'm writing this - and i'm very excited.

Ah yes, "Creep" - A Capella. Mmmm.

Anyways, i think - Dammit!! OK, I KNOW that this whole "grass in the aquarium" thing was a stupid idea. YEESH. I swear to god, there's more grass coming out of this tank than there ever was IN it!! and i just don't understand why in the hell it all keeps coming back out of the gravel anyways! I just stopped putting it back in though - i've just been throwing it away as it comes out. I'm TOTALLY sick and tired of it. That and lilly peeing on the kitchen floor... That's another story i guess. Looks like the green is slowly seeping back into the other plants though - apparently that whole "too much iron" thing wasn't working out too well.

So i watched Episode 1 and Episode 2 tonight, trying to see if maybe i had misjudged the movies, and really they were just as epic and timeless as the first three. No. 1 was still lame and annoying, and 2 was still putsy and cheesy. I'm seriously pissed at Lucas. Did you notice that if you just took the basic story line, removed all the dialogue, and rewrote most of the action, THESE WOULD BE GREAT MOVIES!

I don't know what he did differently the first time, but it worked, yknow? No Jar-Fuckin-Jar. Nuff said.

But you know what my other problem with all this is? Aside from the "family oriented theming" of the most recent movies? 2 things. 1) They have been introducing characters into the movies without really thinking about the consequences! (ie: if C3PO and R2 are droids, and therefore have a seemingly permanent memory, why is it that they seem COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that they KNOW who Obi-Wan Kenobi is? Seems to me like they would know a HELL of a lot more than they did.)

"Don't fear the Reaper" (musical interlude)

2) I thought the clone wars would be badass - but so far they're setting up for a BIG fall in my esteem.

oh, and 3) did i mention this whole thing is full of stupid cheese? And i don't just mean the time when C3PO's head is being dragged off by R2 and he exclaims "Oh, this is such a drag!" No, i mean also the whole "cutting of the right hand" thing. OK. We know he's luke's father. There is absolutely NO need to rub it in our face like "Look Look!! Look at the ironic and mysterious coincidences that manifest themselves when you overlay the characters of Father and Son!! Look! LOOK! I'm George Lucas and i chew my kid's food for them too! I even play with their legos so they don't have to!!"


He took such an incredible, fantastical, indepth, interesting story, and just - well - i dunno, maybe he just got old. Old and uninteresting. Maybe getting rich reminded him that he was supposed to make money, not a good movie. And you know what? If this is what he WANTED for the original movies, i say shoot him. Shoot him in the head before he does something stupid and redoes the entire series in All-CGI. Ah hell, just shoot him in case he even THINKS about it.

I agree that CGI is cool, and that it can help develop and render ideas that had never been possible before - but they are a SUPPLEMENT. Got that Georgie? Fuckin Putz.

I'm sorry that i have to be so vulgar to express my deep-seated resentment of these movies, but i love Star Wars. It is the most captivating idea in the world. You hear me? Idea. Not movie, story, world, etc. - IDEA. It incorporates what must have been the beliefs of a very young, very innocent young man into a world where those beliefs are tangible. Problem is that the boy grew up. The story turned into a franchise... the idea became a plotline.

Damn shame if you ask me.

"Crash into me."

::sigh:: You know what i compare these movies to? In retrospect, i compare them to finding out that there is no santa clause, no easter bunny, no tooth fairy. Watching these most recent iterations of a seemingly timeless and infinite idea put it into perspective - it is just an idea. An idea that some young aspiring director invented and verbalized. It isn't real - in almost any sense. Watching these latest 2 movies is like finding out that your parents are some day going to die, and more importantly - so are you. It is the end of a childhood dream. The end, in some cases, of your childhood. It is the moment that the last open doorway that you passed by in the hallway of life has shut behind you, and you can no longer go back - can't even look, unless you want your eyes to melt with despair in their now-too-small sockets; the spit in your mouth turning to ash, and your heart chilling to the point where your blood freezes and your brain burns.

In other words it sucks.

A lot.

I miss being a kid. I don't mean first grade, mind you - though that WAS fun. I mean highschool, maybe even grade school. I miss having a chance to prove to someone how good i am. I miss doing badly in school and still being told how much potential i have. I MISS THAT. Do you know, i think it was the fault of all those teachers that said how smart they thought i was that i did badly in school? I didn't want to be the smart kid, i wanted to be Prince Hal! I wanted to be the sun behind the clouds, which is much more lustrous and vibrant than had it always been present. I guess that was my cry for help. Noone really heard or cared though - mind you i'm not being morose or saying i blame them - i just know that, if i were given another chance, i would do it all differently.


Wow... i can't believe i just said that. I've always talked about how happy i am where i am - how much i believe that we all end up where we are for a reason... and i just negated all those statements of belief with one sentence.


Forgive me for making a sudden and shocking realization in the midst of a blog, and indeed typing every one of my thoughts out into cyberspace - where noone can hear you scream. Can you hear me? I think for the first time i just heard myself. I'm pissed. Super pissed.

I fucking hate this bullshit! What the hell am i doing here?! Why AM I HERE?! Why didn't i try harder? Why didn't i actually think about my life??? Look where i am!! Look at this! What if i'd done it right?! what if i'd done it better?! What if i'd tried instead of using every excuse i had to not do anything?

You know what my life is? I can sum it up in one story:

when i was in the 6th grade or so, i developed "asthma" - It conveniently disappeared in about a week, and this left about half a week before, and half a week after one of those glorious gym "mile run" days. You know the type, where you run the mile - one measly mile. I had "asthma". really i did. It was just "quick healing asthma", that's all.

The moral is this: I knew what was expected, and i knew that i didn't want to do it. Not because didn't think i could, but because i didn't want to find out if i was wrong - if maybe i COULDN'T do it, or COULD. I didn't want to know, because i knew that knowing might cause more problems either way. I didn't know, and i didn't care.

That seems to be my whole life - doing for the moment. Living for the things that i'm experiencing at the moment.

Now all i want is to live in the past. The land of woulda and coulda. I'd give anything to teach myself that lesson... to go back and teach myself that living life doesn't mean focusing only on the immediate - the tangible. I'm so disappointed in my past. I'm actually even kind of disappointed in my present. I don't think i'm in the right place. I don't think this is where i'm supposed to be. Maybe i never should have left NY, maybe that's where my life was put on pause, and is waiting for me.

I swear to god i feel it calling - pulling, YANKING! It's like if my body ceased to exist, my soul would be dragged quickly and roughly to the place where i'm supposed to be. I need to be there. Where? Where do i need to be dammit!!! Maybe it was illinois - maybe i shouldn't have left. ... god i know what this sounds like, but it's not - i swear! i didn't feel like this when i moved to peoria. i missed new york, my life, my friends, but i didn't miss it like this. I didn't feel like i had left my heart somewhere behind.

It feels like the butterflies. In your stomache, you know? The ones that flutter and fly when you're nervous, happy, sad - but it's not just flitting randomly about in there - it's a coordinated attempt at mass exodus. Exodus in one direction, wings beating frantically in a vain attempt to cut loose the cord which binds us and fly off over the moutains toward the horizon and the darkness opposing the moon.

Why is it like this? I don't understand what's going on - why i'm feeling like this. Most importantly - i want to know if i will ever be happy with who i am. If i will ever accept myself for who i am - who I've become. Not just saying it. Not just theorizing about the rational and correct choices and idea, but having them - doing them.

We are what life makes us - life is what we make it. Break free. ? somehow. just gotta - hafta - need to break free somehow. God, if there was ever a time for an answer, this is it. This is the time, the place, the soul in need.

"... and it must follow as the night the day,"

for now, i guess I'll catch ya - catch ya on the flipside, baby.



PS: It has been observed that the Hollander's author is no other than me, myself, and the other guy that lives in my head. This is absolutely true. I feel i should inform you all that for inspiration - The Hollander draws on a cult classic, and recently popular - yet now defunct - television series: The Highlander. That's part of the joke - thought you should get a glimpse at the punchline ;-) I will, btw, update it soon - i feel like i need to vent all this seemingly endless frustration... perhaps The Hollander, his sword, and his blog would be the best outlet. Time will tell, no?

PPS: Goodnight folks ... thanks for listening - i really appreciate it.

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