Friday, August 29, 2003

MY DEAR GOD. Has it really been that long?

Well i made it a week or so without missing a day, and now 2 in a row!! yeesh! well, i'm sure you'll all forgive me somehow - or not, but i'm hoping yes.

What's up with you?? It's been so long since we chatted that i think the world must be completely different since then... no? really? you mean i haven't missed much? funny that. There hasn't been much going on here either.

Well, let's see if i can give you the skinny on what's going down here - though considering how little that is, the "skinny" might resemble an anorexic broom... but hey, you're reading, so ill provide the literatura.

Wait. I have to pee.

Ah, yes... much better.

So as i was saying, "ON WITH THE LITERATURE! HO!"

So i'm sure you're all dying to hear news about Lilly, Obie, Othello, and Ori. Let me start with the puppy, because she and i had words. Actually, i don't really wanna talk about the puppy - suffice it to say that she got a new kennel and she's apparently liking it a lot more than the old one!

Obie? yeah well, he's being obie. Oberon's not much for attention, but when he doesn't get it he tends to get a little jealous. (refraining from making a general comparison to women here) ... (whoops, i don't think i was actually gonna type that whole thing out...) ... (yeah there was definitely supposed to be some censoring between my brain and my fingers... damn it all, i think it's happening again.)

RIIIIIIIGHT. ... what's an ark?

The fish are doing great, and i think that i finally figured out what is wrong with the plants... TOO MUCH EFfing FE! (iron folks, Fe is iron) So what i'm planning on doing is restructuring my methodology a little. First, i'll give the tank a 2 week break with the Plant Fertilizer - and i'll finally figure out how many dang drops is in 10 ml and start measuring right. Plan 2B (i couldn't decide whether to go with a 2 or a B - fuggit!) is to start using a 2:1 mixture of tap water to mineral water during water changes. ... let's see, that's 1/3 of 1/4 of 7 gallons.... hmmm.... ok look, if you figure that one out, then translate it into quarts and/or liters for me and send it to my e-mail address. I saw a 10 gallon tank for 10 bucks - the only thing was that the hood was 24, but hell, that's still just 34, yknow? so i thought about it, then i just kinda kicked myself and said: that's 34 bucks that you don't need to be spending on a "Plant Tank" ... then i kicked myself back and yelled something about never kicking me again - that's when people started looking at me kinda funny and i started pointing accusatory fingers. ... of course that didn't work out too well either. I guess i could understand the whole "panicked look on all their faces" thing now that i look back on it - but it wasn't my fault! I started it! ... wait ... damn.

And so we flit back to the world of normalcy...

Have y'all read the Hollander yet? I know it's just a little bit of a teensy weensy look into what may or may not be an interesting escapade, but i'd like to know what you think! If you've never seen The Highlander, and you can't imagine me in a trenchcoat and wooden clogs, then - well... you're lucky i guess.... Either way, read The Hollander with patience - I ain't Steven King (notice i refrained from inserting a "no" after the "ain't"??? HAH HAH! Die, double-negative scum!) and I don't expect to be, so the grammar, descriptive ability, and all-in-all imagination may be lacking. "love me, that's all i ask of you!"

So I'm thinking about getting a job at Game Crazy or one of these other video game places - the pay is shit but i get free rentals!! (up to three at a time, limit one porno per customer, certain restrictions may apply) Besides, it's not like i'm gonna be makin a lotta pinata (what?) any time soon anyways, i might as well have a nice, relaxing place to go that isn't home and i get cool stuff for! Plus hey, discount, nuff said.

I dunno though... we'll see how it goes.

Is anyone here good at writing resumes? Or know someone who is? Or better yet, know someone in the Radio biz? I could sure use a few pointers. I just looked at my resume tonight (BTW, BIGASS Thankyou to Mike MC for helpin me out with that one - though he probably has no clue that i even have this little page) and though it may be a good IT go-getter resume, i don't know how to rework it to BS ... uh, i mean HIGHLIGHT my past work experiences! Again, e-mail.

I dunno - life's kinda crazy right now. Even though it's pretty stable, it feels like it's still transitioning, yknow? Like the wave has passed, but the undertow is tugging a little at your feet. ... of course that could be a shark, but let's think optimistically here. It's just that i don't really know where i'm headed right now - but i know that i don't want to go back, and i have no clue if i should bother going forward. I know that's totally stupid to say - let me think of a better way to express my emotions here:

I don't know if i am where i'm supposed to be, or if not, where i'm supposed to go - but i have a feeling that the previously mentioned undertow (not meant in a threatening or depressing manner at all - it could in fact be replaced by a "current" analogy if not for the whole "wave" thing) isn't quite done with me yet, and i'll be experiencing a fairly significant alteration in my life or lifestyle before this feeling passes. Note i made no mention of when that might be. As an old answering machine message used to say "... I may be Magnificent, but I am NOT psychic!" ::sigh:: those were the good old days. I think some of my fondest college memories revolve around my answering machine. Seriously - how special do you feel after you walk in the door and hear that beeping sound telling you that you have a message??

The joys of a letter or a postcard have been replaced by the quick high of an answering machine message, IM, or more commonly, E-Mail.

There was a time when i would have thought it odd that i'm getting depressed thinking about answering machine messages and IMs, but not anymore. Have you ever noticed that for most of us in the CyberGeneration (make no mistake, that's what we are... just ask Gramma IDontKnowHowToTurnThisDarnThingOn) can gauge the progression of our college (and highschool for you youngins) careers through IMs and E-Mails? Seriously, think about it! Compare: The last time you went to a coffee house, or a common area to hang out with your friends was probably nowhere near as recent as the last time that you had 5 IM windows open at the same time - at least one of those being of someone right down the hall from you!

Evolution?? This is fucking recockulous! Helps with homework?? Oh dear! How the fuckadiddly did we EVER survive 10, 8, or even just 5 years ago? You know what I remember doing on the internet? JACK. You know what i remember doing in the Library? HOMEWORK. And if you go into the library nearest you right now, what are the odds that the computer you would otherwise sit down at is being used by some jackass who's typing up an email with his "homework" minimized in the background?

I don't think the internet's the devil. Hell, I blog on it! Not like i'm gonna go out and post a page of a diary a day on some random bulletin board! But what are we trading here? I remember when you had to know a guy who's uncle had a few pornos hidden away so that you could even see a naked chick for the first time in your pre-teen life! Now these fucking AIM bots (and don't even ask me how i REALLY feel about those fucking fuckers) send Instant Messages to almost anyone, regardless of age, sex, or level of fucking maturity!

You know what i did when i was first starting with the internet? I talked to people. Random people. In CHAT ROOMS. You remember those? I know there are some people out there who still use them, but for the most part they've turned into the skanky train station elevator that noone goes into unless they wanna smell like urine and semen for the rest of the night.

I hate this fucking shit. Really i do. And yet i'm stuck on it just like everyone else. You wanna know what Karl Marx's "Opiate of the Masses" would be if he was alive today? The internet. Even the most uninterested, hobbyless, sanctimonious person in the world could waste hours on the internet if you sat them down at the right place, the right time, and in possession of a credit card or two.

Online video games? Same thing. People killing people they don't even know, BECAUSE they don't know them. Have you ever been playing one of those games and shot one of the good guys in the back of the head, just because? Because you knew it wasn't real? Because you knew that he would just spawn back in a minute or two and you'd be on the same team again? maybe have a little laugh? maybe kill each other, or flame mail each other, just because? Don't get me wrong. Video games don't kill people - Ignorant, apathetic, parents raising selfish, hateful, psychotic children kill people. Oh, and so do their kids, who i previously mentioned were selfish, hateful, and psychotic.

I don't know why i'm ranting about all this. I guess i miss the old days - the ones i never knew. I miss thinking that i really could just leave everything behind and go meditate and wander the world.


I would too. I know it. I know that if i didn't have a family, girlfriend, cat, puppy, and fish, that i would just leave. Sell everything, maybe put it in some sort of investment account with a will that stated that if i hadn't returned to claim the money on or by my 100th birthday, the money was to be donated equally to every honest homeless shelter in the country. Hell, maybe i'd come collect it myself at the end just so i could make sure the money got to people who needed it.

Did you know i find society to be a terrible disappointment? It's true. I feel sick and sorry for the world all at once. Not the US. Not the Middle East. Not China, the UK, France, Russia, or the Czech Republic. The whole world. The whole selfish, hateful, psychotic (catch THAT reference) thing.

Do you remember when you were a kid? Passing a bum on the street and wondering why he was dressed and smelled funny? Why he had to ask for money? Do you remember finding out that someone in your school, or someone in their family had a severe medical condition that wouldn't go away, and they had to ask for help, or drop out of school? Do you remember going to church and saying prayers for those people? Do you remember going back home and sleeping in your bed, and dreaming of how bad it was that people had to go through that? Do you remember? Maybe you weren't in that situation, but i guarantee that you were in one that was pretty similar, or that it was happening all around you, though you might not have known. Do you remember ever during that time, offering, really offering with the intent to give, everything that you possessed, including your time and energy, no matter how meager your possessions, if only it would help those people?

... I didn't think that last one would ring a bell. Don't think me cruel. I know that we all care - we all give. I know it's not your way to take and not to put back. I know that i have spent the last few years of my life thinking that i was putting everyone else ahead of myself. Maybe i was. I don't think so. As i sit here in my posh leather chair in front of my 21" computer screen with surround sound speakers and a fewhundred-if-not-more-dollar desk, i don't think i could really say that i give more than i get. I don't think i could ever have the right to say that i think of others first. I'm a sham. And you know what else? Knowing it makes it worse.

So what's to stop me from leaving it all behind? To just give up on the human race? No i'm not talking about some sort of suicide - i not only don't believe in it, but i think it's a waste of the only thing we have that we didn't have beg, borrow, or steal for. Even things you've been 'given' by your parents, gifts from others - they don't really count when you die, do they? neither does your body - if you think about it the only thing that you've got that was yours just because is that spark - call it the energy in your brain that forms coherent thought, or call it divine influence, breath, spirit, whatever. It's there. We've all seen a corpse at one time in our lives - what's the real difference between them and you? A heart beat? An electronic impulse? Have you ever see a person who was brain dead? Not all those people are being kept alive by some machine - which means their brain is, in fact, still working to some autonomic capacity... but they're not really alive, are they?

::sigh:: I wish i could tell you all everything that i think about this subject, but alas the blog would be too long, my diatribe would be too boring, and in the end, it wouldn't solve anything. I just wish i could go - leave everything. Maybe it's me wanting to run away, avoid the undertow, stop growing up, lose responsibility ... whatever it is, maybe it's not my choice anyways. We are where we should be, right? Remind me to get into my thoughts on fate some time ;-)

Well folks, thank you for lending an ear to my ranting and raving... even if you didn't thank you for skipping down to this part and reading this sentence - if you did neither, the winning lotto number for tomorrow is 2412, but you won't find that out till tomorrow, will you?



PS: I love my life - i wouldn't ever change a thing about where i am or how i got here ... i guess it's just the question of where i'm going that gets to me sometimes. Catch ya on the flip side, baby.

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