Is Enough. I'm tired of writing about things that upset me or make me sad or angry - which is all i have to write about tonight - so until i have something good to talk about, consider this blog on "hold".
KTBB
.Christian
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
A quick blog about LA smog.
Just in case you were wondering how yesterday and today have been going, the answer is a surprising "Fine". On the car ride back, Kim and i discussed a couple of different issues that seem to have the most effect on our relationship - and all in all i think things will be good if we can keep everything that was said in mind... easier said than done, right? well, i guess we'll see how everything turns out - but i definitely agree with her that it's all or nothing time... no more vacillating between staying together and splitting up. So here's to figuring it all out.
Didn't get to watch mondaynightfootball tonight, but i did get to do a lot of work on bills and Dark Jedi. ... you know, the usual.
LEGOLAND IS AWESOME.
kim and my sister and i had dinner in san diego.
that's pretty much everything that happened since i talked to you last - i'd type more, but it's getting late, and i have to walk the dog before i go to sleep.
and yeah, i'm convinced that aquarium plants were invented by the devil - cause they suck. Even my nice plants that were comin back to life are just sittin there now - i don't think they're alive anymore!
Ah well.
KTBB.
.Christian
"Catch ya on the flip side, baby."
Didn't get to watch mondaynightfootball tonight, but i did get to do a lot of work on bills and Dark Jedi. ... you know, the usual.
LEGOLAND IS AWESOME.
kim and my sister and i had dinner in san diego.
that's pretty much everything that happened since i talked to you last - i'd type more, but it's getting late, and i have to walk the dog before i go to sleep.
and yeah, i'm convinced that aquarium plants were invented by the devil - cause they suck. Even my nice plants that were comin back to life are just sittin there now - i don't think they're alive anymore!
Ah well.
KTBB.
.Christian
"Catch ya on the flip side, baby."
Sunday, September 21, 2003
"Here i am again"
Guess who's back? Back again? Christian's back! Tell a friend!
So yeah, Underworld was a pretty cool movie - I knew my sister really wanted to see it, so i figured since we only get to hang out once in a while we should just watch that, y'know? I can't wait to see it with Elise and B though, 'cause i know we'll have a good time watching it together.
So yeah - what can i catch you up on? Hmm.. well i guess you'll have to wait until the next line, cause i have to go to the bathroom.
OK, so as i was saying :-) I guess the biggest, most recent news is that i got Dish network for the apartment. It's a two room system with a personal video recorder (you can pause live TV... yay!) and a buttload of channels - well, for the first 3 months anyways. I figure hey, i was with direcTV for 4 years or so, so there's probably no harm in signing up for a 2 year contract with dish, yknow?
Inventory was supposed to be this weekend, but we ended up deciding to do it all day on wednesday - which wisdom i kind of doubt, but there's not much i can do at this point. At least the trip up to california was fun though, y'know? Fun-ish anyways, with the exception of the whole "kim" thing. See, it's been getting progressively worse over the last couple days - to the point now where it seems like everything I say is some kind of trouble just waiting to happen. I guess it doesn't help much that I haven't been much in the mood to talk lately... maybe it is because of her, i don't know, but either way i don't think it's very fair to automatically assume that i have some sort of problem and start giving me attitude, y'know?
Hopefully this whole thing with her going out last night and staying over at this Brian kid's place will help relieve her paranoia. Either way though, i'm not sure that it would be very smart for me to stay in this relationship, y'know? I think the big problem here is that no matter what people say, they're still the same people they were in highschool - on some level anyways.
We don't change that much you know, because people may grow and adapt, but at some level, highschool is an open expression of who people are and want to be, and because on another level. highschool bends you into who you are, and who you want to be - and when the two are at odds, it's a toss-up on who wins. I mean seriously - look at who you were in highschool and tell me you're totally different. You can't honestly do it, can you? The reason why is simple - we're still trying to overcome/prove/change things about ourselves in highschool. Even you old fogies who're reading this ;-)
To be more specific, Kim and i are both insecure and seeking acceptance - which makes it very hard to survive, because neither of us can really rely on the other for a strong foundation, no matter how much i may tell myself otherwise.
Another problem is that neither of us knows how to really handle our emotions... it's either all in, or all out - y'know?
All in all - i'm still the downcast "outside the crowd" loser, and she's still the "trying to stay popular" princess. I am of course using metaphorical license here.
Ah well. I just wish i had the strength to say "Look - i seriously want this relationship to end. If it's meant to be, something will bring us back together, but as far as i'm concerned, i think we'd both be a lot happier without each other." Me and my damn Mother Theresa complex. I think the thing that would upset me the most about her moving out is the dog - Lilly. I really love that little puppy, but i know that Kim wouldn't let her go. Thing is that she doesn't love her for the same reasons as i do, yknow? I love her because i've been taking care of her, getting used to her, feeling like i was responsible for her safety, training, and all around proper growth. Kim loves her for maybe some of the same reasons, but mostly because she's always wanted a puppy of her own, and Lilly's it - even though ::ahem:: she left for two weeks to go back to Chicago without a second thought about how it would affect Lilly's perception, health, or growth.
I'm not bitter.
I think though, that maybe Lilly would be happier living with Kim, yknow? I really do spend a lot of time out of the house, and though Oberon can handle that (and i think he actually enjoys his reign of the apt) i don't want my poor little lilly to be alone in the house for too long - not as a puppy, y'know? Maybe Kim's unconditional puppy love would be a lot better for her now, especially since most of the training is really complete. (though i think perhaps commands will cease to exist from Lilly's vocabulary, and 'sit' 'stay' and 'heel' will lose all meaning)
So we're supposedly going to LegoLand today, though Kim's not called yet - speak of the devil.
Mary's giving them directions right now. ::sigh:: For a guy that's pretty much laid back about everything in his life, mine seems determined to complicate itself. I guess maybe i should try to stop lying back so far and take some more control... yknow? Maybe that would help. Hm.
Man i miss my friends. I miss knowing where my life was going. I miss everything about oh, 3 months ago. That and my friends here. ::sigh:: i think i miss everything about my life except having more arguments with Kim. Actually, there's something else i miss - being around Kim and feeling like it was a good thing. I miss that too. I used to think that it would come back, and i guess i got a glimpse of how good things could be a few days ago, but that glimpse disappeared. The Kim that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with is gone. Think i'll get another glimpse? I don't know. I'll talk to her about it once we get home.
I need to get more plants for my aquarium.
I need to change the water.
I need to beat the next level in my game.
I need to blog again tonight or tomorrow.
I need to talk to my friends, maybe go out.
God, i need to have a simple life again. That's all. I guess i thought that maybe things with Kim could be simple and happy, but it turns out there complex and miserable. ::Sigh::
B said something that made a lot of sense - after insisting that i understand that she was by no means telling me to call it quits with Kim, she said "make sure you aren't in it for the wrong reasons". Friday night, Kim was on the phone with her friend Emily, and apparently they were talking about relationships, and Kim said "well that's why you're not married, because you may not be sure". and that made a lot of sense to me. It made me think: "That's right, that's exactly right. That's why we're not married. We're not married because we're not sure, and that doesn't mean that we have to devote the rest of our live to figuring it out. We're not married, and it's about time that i start remembering that, because as most everyone, especially a few certain "pool buddies" will tell you, i've been acting like we ARE married for quite some time now.
Things to think about i guess.
Okily dokily, i gots ta get goin. It's about time i stop bitchin and start doin, eh? I seriously felt like not blooging made me want to explode! I think i was actually going to go insane! So this is what it comes down to. This is my catharsis.
Hm.. random thought: I should enlist Elise and B to watch monday night football with me! that would be a ton a fun! we could play QB1! heh heh, that would rock. Well. Until i got my ass whooped by two girls that is, cause that's no glory. ;-)
Well, i'm off to find out where legoland is. It was nice talking at ya again! ::grin::
KTBB
.Christian
So yeah, Underworld was a pretty cool movie - I knew my sister really wanted to see it, so i figured since we only get to hang out once in a while we should just watch that, y'know? I can't wait to see it with Elise and B though, 'cause i know we'll have a good time watching it together.
So yeah - what can i catch you up on? Hmm.. well i guess you'll have to wait until the next line, cause i have to go to the bathroom.
OK, so as i was saying :-) I guess the biggest, most recent news is that i got Dish network for the apartment. It's a two room system with a personal video recorder (you can pause live TV... yay!) and a buttload of channels - well, for the first 3 months anyways. I figure hey, i was with direcTV for 4 years or so, so there's probably no harm in signing up for a 2 year contract with dish, yknow?
Inventory was supposed to be this weekend, but we ended up deciding to do it all day on wednesday - which wisdom i kind of doubt, but there's not much i can do at this point. At least the trip up to california was fun though, y'know? Fun-ish anyways, with the exception of the whole "kim" thing. See, it's been getting progressively worse over the last couple days - to the point now where it seems like everything I say is some kind of trouble just waiting to happen. I guess it doesn't help much that I haven't been much in the mood to talk lately... maybe it is because of her, i don't know, but either way i don't think it's very fair to automatically assume that i have some sort of problem and start giving me attitude, y'know?
Hopefully this whole thing with her going out last night and staying over at this Brian kid's place will help relieve her paranoia. Either way though, i'm not sure that it would be very smart for me to stay in this relationship, y'know? I think the big problem here is that no matter what people say, they're still the same people they were in highschool - on some level anyways.
We don't change that much you know, because people may grow and adapt, but at some level, highschool is an open expression of who people are and want to be, and because on another level. highschool bends you into who you are, and who you want to be - and when the two are at odds, it's a toss-up on who wins. I mean seriously - look at who you were in highschool and tell me you're totally different. You can't honestly do it, can you? The reason why is simple - we're still trying to overcome/prove/change things about ourselves in highschool. Even you old fogies who're reading this ;-)
To be more specific, Kim and i are both insecure and seeking acceptance - which makes it very hard to survive, because neither of us can really rely on the other for a strong foundation, no matter how much i may tell myself otherwise.
Another problem is that neither of us knows how to really handle our emotions... it's either all in, or all out - y'know?
All in all - i'm still the downcast "outside the crowd" loser, and she's still the "trying to stay popular" princess. I am of course using metaphorical license here.
Ah well. I just wish i had the strength to say "Look - i seriously want this relationship to end. If it's meant to be, something will bring us back together, but as far as i'm concerned, i think we'd both be a lot happier without each other." Me and my damn Mother Theresa complex. I think the thing that would upset me the most about her moving out is the dog - Lilly. I really love that little puppy, but i know that Kim wouldn't let her go. Thing is that she doesn't love her for the same reasons as i do, yknow? I love her because i've been taking care of her, getting used to her, feeling like i was responsible for her safety, training, and all around proper growth. Kim loves her for maybe some of the same reasons, but mostly because she's always wanted a puppy of her own, and Lilly's it - even though ::ahem:: she left for two weeks to go back to Chicago without a second thought about how it would affect Lilly's perception, health, or growth.
I'm not bitter.
I think though, that maybe Lilly would be happier living with Kim, yknow? I really do spend a lot of time out of the house, and though Oberon can handle that (and i think he actually enjoys his reign of the apt) i don't want my poor little lilly to be alone in the house for too long - not as a puppy, y'know? Maybe Kim's unconditional puppy love would be a lot better for her now, especially since most of the training is really complete. (though i think perhaps commands will cease to exist from Lilly's vocabulary, and 'sit' 'stay' and 'heel' will lose all meaning)
So we're supposedly going to LegoLand today, though Kim's not called yet - speak of the devil.
Mary's giving them directions right now. ::sigh:: For a guy that's pretty much laid back about everything in his life, mine seems determined to complicate itself. I guess maybe i should try to stop lying back so far and take some more control... yknow? Maybe that would help. Hm.
Man i miss my friends. I miss knowing where my life was going. I miss everything about oh, 3 months ago. That and my friends here. ::sigh:: i think i miss everything about my life except having more arguments with Kim. Actually, there's something else i miss - being around Kim and feeling like it was a good thing. I miss that too. I used to think that it would come back, and i guess i got a glimpse of how good things could be a few days ago, but that glimpse disappeared. The Kim that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with is gone. Think i'll get another glimpse? I don't know. I'll talk to her about it once we get home.
I need to get more plants for my aquarium.
I need to change the water.
I need to beat the next level in my game.
I need to blog again tonight or tomorrow.
I need to talk to my friends, maybe go out.
God, i need to have a simple life again. That's all. I guess i thought that maybe things with Kim could be simple and happy, but it turns out there complex and miserable. ::Sigh::
B said something that made a lot of sense - after insisting that i understand that she was by no means telling me to call it quits with Kim, she said "make sure you aren't in it for the wrong reasons". Friday night, Kim was on the phone with her friend Emily, and apparently they were talking about relationships, and Kim said "well that's why you're not married, because you may not be sure". and that made a lot of sense to me. It made me think: "That's right, that's exactly right. That's why we're not married. We're not married because we're not sure, and that doesn't mean that we have to devote the rest of our live to figuring it out. We're not married, and it's about time that i start remembering that, because as most everyone, especially a few certain "pool buddies" will tell you, i've been acting like we ARE married for quite some time now.
Things to think about i guess.
Okily dokily, i gots ta get goin. It's about time i stop bitchin and start doin, eh? I seriously felt like not blooging made me want to explode! I think i was actually going to go insane! So this is what it comes down to. This is my catharsis.
Hm.. random thought: I should enlist Elise and B to watch monday night football with me! that would be a ton a fun! we could play QB1! heh heh, that would rock. Well. Until i got my ass whooped by two girls that is, cause that's no glory. ;-)
Well, i'm off to find out where legoland is. It was nice talking at ya again! ::grin::
KTBB
.Christian
Saturday, September 20, 2003
I guess i have a lot of explaining/catchingup to do...
But right now is not the time that it's gonna happen! :-)
I'm sorry that it's been so long since i last wrote to you all to tell you what's been going on - but i feel secure in suppositioning that HAD i been blogging, the real meat of the conversations would have sounded like this:
Kim and I are probably gonna break up...
Kim and I are gonna work out our differences! ... i think.
Kim and i are totally over.
Kim and i had a break through!
Kim and i hate each other.
We're so in love!
Note that the last entry speaks more of hope for the relationship than anything - note that i'm adding a "note" about that entry, which usually means there's more to it than that. ::sigh:: i guess i can sum it all up by saying that things haven't really gotten better. They did for a few days, but now it's back to the same old paranoid-delusional generally EXTREMELY unhealthy relationship that it's been for quite some time now.
And who said change happens?
This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends - not with a bang, but a whimper.
So i'm at my sister's placed in Cali, and we're gonna play some scrabble - Kim is out with a group of people that her brother's friend knows, and i think they're going to a party in Beverly Hills. She asked if we wanted to come, but i don't. If not for the simple fact that if i went, i know that my sister and i wouldn't really have a good time, and it would probably make Kim have a not good time too - all that plus the fact that i think she's annoying as hell when she drinks means that i'm not really tempted to go out, yknow?
So instead, my sister and i are gonna go see underworld at 10 - though i fully intend to see it again with Elise and B.
There's something, btw - you're comin with us next time B! (even if it's just a "me" instead) I think we'd have a lot of fun out here, even if you and my sister talk about random TV and movie stuff half the time ;-)
Anyways, i'm gonna go now. I wish i didn't have to, cause i feel like i'm about ready to explode... but alas and alack.
More later!
KTBB
.Christian
I'm sorry that it's been so long since i last wrote to you all to tell you what's been going on - but i feel secure in suppositioning that HAD i been blogging, the real meat of the conversations would have sounded like this:
Kim and I are probably gonna break up...
Kim and I are gonna work out our differences! ... i think.
Kim and i are totally over.
Kim and i had a break through!
Kim and i hate each other.
We're so in love!
Note that the last entry speaks more of hope for the relationship than anything - note that i'm adding a "note" about that entry, which usually means there's more to it than that. ::sigh:: i guess i can sum it all up by saying that things haven't really gotten better. They did for a few days, but now it's back to the same old paranoid-delusional generally EXTREMELY unhealthy relationship that it's been for quite some time now.
And who said change happens?
This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends - not with a bang, but a whimper.
So i'm at my sister's placed in Cali, and we're gonna play some scrabble - Kim is out with a group of people that her brother's friend knows, and i think they're going to a party in Beverly Hills. She asked if we wanted to come, but i don't. If not for the simple fact that if i went, i know that my sister and i wouldn't really have a good time, and it would probably make Kim have a not good time too - all that plus the fact that i think she's annoying as hell when she drinks means that i'm not really tempted to go out, yknow?
So instead, my sister and i are gonna go see underworld at 10 - though i fully intend to see it again with Elise and B.
There's something, btw - you're comin with us next time B! (even if it's just a "me" instead) I think we'd have a lot of fun out here, even if you and my sister talk about random TV and movie stuff half the time ;-)
Anyways, i'm gonna go now. I wish i didn't have to, cause i feel like i'm about ready to explode... but alas and alack.
More later!
KTBB
.Christian
Monday, September 8, 2003
There are times...
when opposites attract. There are times when they repel.
There are times when you know it's not an act
and you're caught in a kind of spell.
It's hard at times to know the difference.
It's hard to know cold from hot,
or to distinguish damnation from deliverance.
But one thing it's not -
and i can tell you this from experience
- is worth the living hell.
I don't know what's worse. Knowing that things are crumbling, or knowing that maybe it's for the best. One thing i know for sure is that if this doesn't work out there will be a lot that has to happen for us to be happy - together or apart.
As long as it works out in the end, right?
::sigh:: This has definitely been a trying time. On the up side, i had a great time today with my friends! we went to the mall, to gameworks, and to Joe's Crab Shack. I think i've changed my mind about Break From Atkins Day, though. ::buuuuuurp::
Well folks - that's enough for tonight. I'm pretty depressed, and kinda tired - so i have no desire to really type anything. Remember i said this wouldn't be all depressing oh so long ago? Well, i guess i lied, but i'm gonna try to keep the moroseness (word??) out of it for a little bit - after all, i'm one of my biggest fans! I don't want to keep re-depressing myself any time i read my blog over again!
So for now - good night, sleep tight, an' if'n ya gitcherself bit by one-a them thar bed bug thangs, you just go on an' kick that critter - kick 'im right with yer foot!
Catch ya on the flip side, baby.
.Christian
There are times when you know it's not an act
and you're caught in a kind of spell.
It's hard at times to know the difference.
It's hard to know cold from hot,
or to distinguish damnation from deliverance.
But one thing it's not -
and i can tell you this from experience
- is worth the living hell.
I don't know what's worse. Knowing that things are crumbling, or knowing that maybe it's for the best. One thing i know for sure is that if this doesn't work out there will be a lot that has to happen for us to be happy - together or apart.
As long as it works out in the end, right?
::sigh:: This has definitely been a trying time. On the up side, i had a great time today with my friends! we went to the mall, to gameworks, and to Joe's Crab Shack. I think i've changed my mind about Break From Atkins Day, though. ::buuuuuurp::
Well folks - that's enough for tonight. I'm pretty depressed, and kinda tired - so i have no desire to really type anything. Remember i said this wouldn't be all depressing oh so long ago? Well, i guess i lied, but i'm gonna try to keep the moroseness (word??) out of it for a little bit - after all, i'm one of my biggest fans! I don't want to keep re-depressing myself any time i read my blog over again!
So for now - good night, sleep tight, an' if'n ya gitcherself bit by one-a them thar bed bug thangs, you just go on an' kick that critter - kick 'im right with yer foot!
Catch ya on the flip side, baby.
.Christian
Sunday, September 7, 2003
Psychoses Part II
Well the beginning of the conversation was amicable enough - but pretty much immediately after i said who i was going to be going out with today, the mood of the conversation altered drastically. "More girls?" ::Sigh:: It was all downhill from there - incredible what insecurity can do to a person. Even when i was being jealous about her doing stuff in Europe (over a year ago and at the beginning of our relationship) i wasn't this bad - at least i recognized that i was just being jealous and encouraged her to go out anyways... and really the only problems i had were when she was going out drinking - mainly because i don't trust foreign men or frat boys with a few drinks in them... or the way they'll act around girls with a few drinks in them for that matter.
Enough of this. I'm tired of talking about this repetitive drama. This is pretty much the whole reason i can't stand soap operas - drama is only so entertaining for so long.
So to give a little more detail to what's going on today, on ATKINS BREAK DAY, (YAYAAYAYAYAY!!!!) B, Elise, Lindsay (sp?) and I are all going to the Arizona Mills (Mall) around 2 or so for fun, shopping (which means arcade time for me) and food and movies! It's gonna be a blast, i know it. "And in the mornin', I'm makin' WAFFLES!"
"Squeek squeekem squeeker."
Do i remind any of you of Kronk? ... hmmm, silence....
So today is 'change the water' day for my fishies. Think i can do it without dumping water all over the floor? Or my desk? ... doubtfull ;-)
Did i mention that i like Atkins Break Day?
I do.
OH OH OH! Guess what?! Apparently one of the messages that i had on my machine from a few days ago was the Store Director from Hollywood Video! Which means that i might get the job i wanted! Which means free rentals and the most laid back job i could ever imagine!! YAY!
Oh - and just so you all know - i think i'm going to apply to Thunderbird. I've been thinking about it a lot again, and i really think that it would be the best course of action. No matter what i do, the degree would be helpful - and if anything it might serve as the kind of bump that puts your wheels back on track.
For those of you not in the know ("ask Dr. Know, there's nothing he doesn't") Thunderbird is an School of International Business. It's pretty well respected, and i know that if i got a degree from there, it would mean something, yknow? I could just walk up to the CEO of any big company and say "Hey, look at this! Hire me!" Granted that might not be a good idea for Enron, but the FBI might think of it as a plus... not to mention i would be able to apply as a field agent.
The only thing that kind of still worries me is that i haven't really had too much full time work experience... but fuggit! Doesn't hurt to apply. I'll just study for the GMATs, take em, apply for the fall or spring, and we'll see where it all goes from there, y'know?
Well folks - that's about all for now, i'm gonna go play some video games and eat some forbidden foods (Chubby Hubby anyone?) whilst visions of sugarplums dance in my head.
.... riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
HAVE A GREAT SUNDAY FOLKS!! (and don't forget it's Grandparents Day!!)
OKBYE!
KTBB
.Christian
PS: i'll write tonight and tell you all about the adventures we have at the mills and everywhere else! FUN TIMES!!
Enough of this. I'm tired of talking about this repetitive drama. This is pretty much the whole reason i can't stand soap operas - drama is only so entertaining for so long.
So to give a little more detail to what's going on today, on ATKINS BREAK DAY, (YAYAAYAYAYAY!!!!) B, Elise, Lindsay (sp?) and I are all going to the Arizona Mills (Mall) around 2 or so for fun, shopping (which means arcade time for me) and food and movies! It's gonna be a blast, i know it. "And in the mornin', I'm makin' WAFFLES!"
"Squeek squeekem squeeker."
Do i remind any of you of Kronk? ... hmmm, silence....
So today is 'change the water' day for my fishies. Think i can do it without dumping water all over the floor? Or my desk? ... doubtfull ;-)
Did i mention that i like Atkins Break Day?
I do.
OH OH OH! Guess what?! Apparently one of the messages that i had on my machine from a few days ago was the Store Director from Hollywood Video! Which means that i might get the job i wanted! Which means free rentals and the most laid back job i could ever imagine!! YAY!
Oh - and just so you all know - i think i'm going to apply to Thunderbird. I've been thinking about it a lot again, and i really think that it would be the best course of action. No matter what i do, the degree would be helpful - and if anything it might serve as the kind of bump that puts your wheels back on track.
For those of you not in the know ("ask Dr. Know, there's nothing he doesn't") Thunderbird is an School of International Business. It's pretty well respected, and i know that if i got a degree from there, it would mean something, yknow? I could just walk up to the CEO of any big company and say "Hey, look at this! Hire me!" Granted that might not be a good idea for Enron, but the FBI might think of it as a plus... not to mention i would be able to apply as a field agent.
The only thing that kind of still worries me is that i haven't really had too much full time work experience... but fuggit! Doesn't hurt to apply. I'll just study for the GMATs, take em, apply for the fall or spring, and we'll see where it all goes from there, y'know?
Well folks - that's about all for now, i'm gonna go play some video games and eat some forbidden foods (Chubby Hubby anyone?) whilst visions of sugarplums dance in my head.
.... riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
HAVE A GREAT SUNDAY FOLKS!! (and don't forget it's Grandparents Day!!)
OKBYE!
KTBB
.Christian
PS: i'll write tonight and tell you all about the adventures we have at the mills and everywhere else! FUN TIMES!!
Saturday, September 6, 2003
What's with girls?
Ah yes, the age old question. One can't help but wonder sometimes if every single (numbers, not marital status) woman out there is just a tad bit psychotic. Seriously.
So yesterday, Kim calls me because she wanted to get a chance to talk to me before i went to work... this would normally be all well and good if it weren't for the fact that it was 7 o'clock in the morning, and i didn't even have to be at work till 3 in the afternoon. I related this to her in the nicest way i could - it's not that i didn't want to talk to her for some random reason, i didn't want to TALK - PERIOD... it could have been the fucking pope and i would have told him to call back later! Anyways, i didn't even say anything about wanting to go back to sleep, she just asked if i wanted her to let me go back to sleep, and so i replied "Yeah." And that was pretty much when i heard a click on the other end of the line.
OK. Is there a problem with wanting to sleep? At 7AM? When you're not working till 3PM?
So i call her cell phone, but noone picks up. I remembered her saying something about going to do a bunch of stuff, and so i just left a message asking her to call me back. EITHER WAY, i had asked her the first time around (at 7am) to call me back later when she was done with her stuff - as long as it was before i left for work, i'd be home.
So i come home last night and (btw Elise was waiting for me cause we were supposed to go minigolfing with APO) hit the 'play' button on the answering machine. One of the messages is a very-upset-Kim, relating to me that she tried me at work, on my cell, and at home.
First off - i haven't used my cell phone for a month because of my difference in opinion as to the size of my last bill. Second, i was at a different store last night - had she simply asked whoever it was if they knew whether i was working at a different store, they probably would have found out for her by asking the manager. OR, knowing that i said i would be at work, and thence finding out that i was not at my store, she may have tried to remember where it was that i said that i had worked, and asked my store for the phone number. Third, I was at work, therefore not at home.
After she has told me all this trouble that she went through she says something along the lines of "I give up."
O - K. that would have been all well and good - but you didn't hear the way she said it. Even poor Elise (who had entered the door only to be subjected to hearing this message) couldn't understand why kim was so upset.
So then, this morning, at 645AM kim calls again to say hi. I asked her if i could call her back later, as i was only going to be working from 11 to 3, and she says that she'll be hanging out with emily. I have no problem with her hanging out with emily, much to the contrary i like hearing that they're hanging out, cause they're best friends! they should hang out as much as possible while she's there! The problem i have is with the idea that i'm going to be blamed in some way for not making myself more available. ... Here's just a tip to all you people out there - if you call me before 7, hell 8 in the morning, all you're gonna get is grunts and one word answers. The good new that i got out of this morning is that kim won't have to do anything special to get on the airplane, cause that was a worry for a little while since she used our savings, and i'm the only one with a card to that - which we thought she might need to board the plane. ... long story short (too late!) she doesn't and it's all good.
I'm a little torn on the issue of her coming back, though. I really look forward to the girl i love coming home, y'know? Thing is i really don't want the girl that i argue with ever five minutes to come back at all. I just wish that we could trade some of the good to cancel out some of the bad ... i just wish it wasn't always so extreme! It's either that we're really happy, or reallly upset! Argh. I wish all this could be fixed, but i don't think it will be. I think it's just gonna get worse. Not because we won't try, but because there's only so much time that can go by, with so many arguments, before you start to just lose faith - i've already noticed a severe lacking in that department the last month or two, almost like we could just call it quits, and if i started regretting it, it would only be after a few months, when you start forgetting the bad things and miss the good.
I'm actually really upset about this - i don't understand what the hell we're doing together anymore. It would be fine if it weren't for all the arguing!! I'm about as laid back as you can get without being a pothead or something, yknow? Disagreements don't bother me, but it's the way that she responds - the way that she talks about things that we disagree about. It's almost like every thing that we disagree about is some catastrophic sign of how we'll "never get along, never agree". Personally, i don't think it's all about agreeing, but i like to discuss differences in opinion! I don't just say "Well, we're different, let's leave it at that."
Argh.
Double Argh.
urrrrrrrrr.
Well, this will all have to wait for another day, as work is drawing nigh.
Thank you for listening to this rant - I know it'll all work out in the end, but doesn't mean i want to sit idly by, waiting for changes in my life to effect themselves... yknow? I just want to know that this is the way it should be - or that it's not and how to fix it.
Ah well... off to work i go.
KTBB
.Christian
PS: I would say "catch ya on the flip side, baby" but i'm not going to sleep, and i have no desire to type it.
PPS: ... again. Type it again.
So yesterday, Kim calls me because she wanted to get a chance to talk to me before i went to work... this would normally be all well and good if it weren't for the fact that it was 7 o'clock in the morning, and i didn't even have to be at work till 3 in the afternoon. I related this to her in the nicest way i could - it's not that i didn't want to talk to her for some random reason, i didn't want to TALK - PERIOD... it could have been the fucking pope and i would have told him to call back later! Anyways, i didn't even say anything about wanting to go back to sleep, she just asked if i wanted her to let me go back to sleep, and so i replied "Yeah." And that was pretty much when i heard a click on the other end of the line.
OK. Is there a problem with wanting to sleep? At 7AM? When you're not working till 3PM?
So i call her cell phone, but noone picks up. I remembered her saying something about going to do a bunch of stuff, and so i just left a message asking her to call me back. EITHER WAY, i had asked her the first time around (at 7am) to call me back later when she was done with her stuff - as long as it was before i left for work, i'd be home.
So i come home last night and (btw Elise was waiting for me cause we were supposed to go minigolfing with APO) hit the 'play' button on the answering machine. One of the messages is a very-upset-Kim, relating to me that she tried me at work, on my cell, and at home.
First off - i haven't used my cell phone for a month because of my difference in opinion as to the size of my last bill. Second, i was at a different store last night - had she simply asked whoever it was if they knew whether i was working at a different store, they probably would have found out for her by asking the manager. OR, knowing that i said i would be at work, and thence finding out that i was not at my store, she may have tried to remember where it was that i said that i had worked, and asked my store for the phone number. Third, I was at work, therefore not at home.
After she has told me all this trouble that she went through she says something along the lines of "I give up."
O - K. that would have been all well and good - but you didn't hear the way she said it. Even poor Elise (who had entered the door only to be subjected to hearing this message) couldn't understand why kim was so upset.
So then, this morning, at 645AM kim calls again to say hi. I asked her if i could call her back later, as i was only going to be working from 11 to 3, and she says that she'll be hanging out with emily. I have no problem with her hanging out with emily, much to the contrary i like hearing that they're hanging out, cause they're best friends! they should hang out as much as possible while she's there! The problem i have is with the idea that i'm going to be blamed in some way for not making myself more available. ... Here's just a tip to all you people out there - if you call me before 7, hell 8 in the morning, all you're gonna get is grunts and one word answers. The good new that i got out of this morning is that kim won't have to do anything special to get on the airplane, cause that was a worry for a little while since she used our savings, and i'm the only one with a card to that - which we thought she might need to board the plane. ... long story short (too late!) she doesn't and it's all good.
I'm a little torn on the issue of her coming back, though. I really look forward to the girl i love coming home, y'know? Thing is i really don't want the girl that i argue with ever five minutes to come back at all. I just wish that we could trade some of the good to cancel out some of the bad ... i just wish it wasn't always so extreme! It's either that we're really happy, or reallly upset! Argh. I wish all this could be fixed, but i don't think it will be. I think it's just gonna get worse. Not because we won't try, but because there's only so much time that can go by, with so many arguments, before you start to just lose faith - i've already noticed a severe lacking in that department the last month or two, almost like we could just call it quits, and if i started regretting it, it would only be after a few months, when you start forgetting the bad things and miss the good.
I'm actually really upset about this - i don't understand what the hell we're doing together anymore. It would be fine if it weren't for all the arguing!! I'm about as laid back as you can get without being a pothead or something, yknow? Disagreements don't bother me, but it's the way that she responds - the way that she talks about things that we disagree about. It's almost like every thing that we disagree about is some catastrophic sign of how we'll "never get along, never agree". Personally, i don't think it's all about agreeing, but i like to discuss differences in opinion! I don't just say "Well, we're different, let's leave it at that."
Argh.
Double Argh.
urrrrrrrrr.
Well, this will all have to wait for another day, as work is drawing nigh.
Thank you for listening to this rant - I know it'll all work out in the end, but doesn't mean i want to sit idly by, waiting for changes in my life to effect themselves... yknow? I just want to know that this is the way it should be - or that it's not and how to fix it.
Ah well... off to work i go.
KTBB
.Christian
PS: I would say "catch ya on the flip side, baby" but i'm not going to sleep, and i have no desire to type it.
PPS: ... again. Type it again.
Friday, September 5, 2003
The Grass is Dead, Long Live the Grass.
Damn aquarium grass... i'm gonna have to clean my filter all over again because this shit grass (considering it's current color, the name is more apt than you might think) all got uprooted and twisted around the little spinning thing. ... ur.
So anyways, just to drop you all a quick line and let you know that i had a fun day, and B and Elise are the coolest people in the world :-)
... Oh, and RadioShack managers named Ed who work at the Fountain Hills store suck because they are too bossy, too egotistical, too arrogant, and too much the OPPOSITE of laid back. Just so you know.
I think i might blog in the morning and let you all know the fun details of life as Christian... maaaaaaaaaaaybe ;-)
KTBB
.Christian
PS: if not, no big loss - trust me ::Grin:: Catch ya on the flip side, baby!
PPS: I plan to add another entry to The Hollander Blogs soon, though i can't tell you for sure if it will be a continuation of the Flashback... most likely it will be a blog on current events. ... but hey! That's why i created the e-mail address! E-mail me with thoughts or requests - just keep in mind that it takes some time to for newbie writers like me to flesh out something they're proud enough to blog, so pick something that you'll really like, cause it may take a while to get another one up! (Yay! It's almost like some perverted version of a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure!!)
So anyways, just to drop you all a quick line and let you know that i had a fun day, and B and Elise are the coolest people in the world :-)
... Oh, and RadioShack managers named Ed who work at the Fountain Hills store suck because they are too bossy, too egotistical, too arrogant, and too much the OPPOSITE of laid back. Just so you know.
I think i might blog in the morning and let you all know the fun details of life as Christian... maaaaaaaaaaaybe ;-)
KTBB
.Christian
PS: if not, no big loss - trust me ::Grin:: Catch ya on the flip side, baby!
PPS: I plan to add another entry to The Hollander Blogs soon, though i can't tell you for sure if it will be a continuation of the Flashback... most likely it will be a blog on current events. ... but hey! That's why i created the e-mail address! E-mail me with thoughts or requests - just keep in mind that it takes some time to for newbie writers like me to flesh out something they're proud enough to blog, so pick something that you'll really like, cause it may take a while to get another one up! (Yay! It's almost like some perverted version of a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure!!)
Thursday, September 4, 2003
Non-Depressing Blog
That's the truth, i swear! no deep thoughts (by jack handy) or reminisensces (whoooooa there ... SP??) for tonight - i will simply tell you that Knights of the Old Republic and I are getting along fairly well, and now that i have my lightsaber i can help everyone in the game a be a shining example of the light side of the force! ... of course that would be before my Dark Jedi kills all those same people and ransacks their homes for what little money they have. ... but hey, that's the fun of playing both sides, right?
Help em, heal em, kill em, steal em... that's what i say!
Right. Did i mention, btw, that this game is total fun factor?? And did i mention that i am a total pussy? Seriously, i must be the only person i know who has to take a break from the game whenever i'm playing the Dark Jedi so that i can play the good jedi for a little bit - cause i feel bad. Yeesh.
Anyways - i'm tired and going to sleep, but i wanted to acknowledge some very important people: first my michelles, who always know how to brighten my day with a simple IM - i may not be online when you send them dears, but i always get them... secondly, everyone else.
::grin::
Actually, i would like to take this time to mention that Chrissy rocks my world.
OK folks - enough talky talky. B and i are going minigolfing tomorrow, so i gots ta get goin. Tchau!
KTBB
.Christian
PS: Catch ya on the flip side, baby.
PPS: hah hah - thought i might have forgotten this time, huh? ;-)
Help em, heal em, kill em, steal em... that's what i say!
Right. Did i mention, btw, that this game is total fun factor?? And did i mention that i am a total pussy? Seriously, i must be the only person i know who has to take a break from the game whenever i'm playing the Dark Jedi so that i can play the good jedi for a little bit - cause i feel bad. Yeesh.
Anyways - i'm tired and going to sleep, but i wanted to acknowledge some very important people: first my michelles, who always know how to brighten my day with a simple IM - i may not be online when you send them dears, but i always get them...
::grin::
Actually, i would like to take this time to mention that Chrissy rocks my world.
OK folks - enough talky talky. B and i are going minigolfing tomorrow, so i gots ta get goin. Tchau!
KTBB
.Christian
PS: Catch ya on the flip side, baby.
PPS: hah hah - thought i might have forgotten this time, huh? ;-)
Wednesday, September 3, 2003
All good in the hood,
Yo.
Just thought i'd comment briefly on the main context of my previous blog. ... That was it: the title.
So anyways, i have a great line-up of songs to listen to while i'm writing this - and i'm very excited.
Ah yes, "Creep" - A Capella. Mmmm.
Anyways, i think - Dammit!! OK, I KNOW that this whole "grass in the aquarium" thing was a stupid idea. YEESH. I swear to god, there's more grass coming out of this tank than there ever was IN it!! and i just don't understand why in the hell it all keeps coming back out of the gravel anyways! I just stopped putting it back in though - i've just been throwing it away as it comes out. I'm TOTALLY sick and tired of it. That and lilly peeing on the kitchen floor... That's another story i guess. Looks like the green is slowly seeping back into the other plants though - apparently that whole "too much iron" thing wasn't working out too well.
So i watched Episode 1 and Episode 2 tonight, trying to see if maybe i had misjudged the movies, and really they were just as epic and timeless as the first three. No. 1 was still lame and annoying, and 2 was still putsy and cheesy. I'm seriously pissed at Lucas. Did you notice that if you just took the basic story line, removed all the dialogue, and rewrote most of the action, THESE WOULD BE GREAT MOVIES!
I don't know what he did differently the first time, but it worked, yknow? No Jar-Fuckin-Jar. Nuff said.
But you know what my other problem with all this is? Aside from the "family oriented theming" of the most recent movies? 2 things. 1) They have been introducing characters into the movies without really thinking about the consequences! (ie: if C3PO and R2 are droids, and therefore have a seemingly permanent memory, why is it that they seem COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that they KNOW who Obi-Wan Kenobi is? Seems to me like they would know a HELL of a lot more than they did.)
"Don't fear the Reaper" (musical interlude)
2) I thought the clone wars would be badass - but so far they're setting up for a BIG fall in my esteem.
oh, and 3) did i mention this whole thing is full of stupid cheese? And i don't just mean the time when C3PO's head is being dragged off by R2 and he exclaims "Oh, this is such a drag!" No, i mean also the whole "cutting of the right hand" thing. OK. We know he's luke's father. There is absolutely NO need to rub it in our face like "Look Look!! Look at the ironic and mysterious coincidences that manifest themselves when you overlay the characters of Father and Son!! Look! LOOK! I'm George Lucas and i chew my kid's food for them too! I even play with their legos so they don't have to!!"
Fucker.
He took such an incredible, fantastical, indepth, interesting story, and just - well - i dunno, maybe he just got old. Old and uninteresting. Maybe getting rich reminded him that he was supposed to make money, not a good movie. And you know what? If this is what he WANTED for the original movies, i say shoot him. Shoot him in the head before he does something stupid and redoes the entire series in All-CGI. Ah hell, just shoot him in case he even THINKS about it.
I agree that CGI is cool, and that it can help develop and render ideas that had never been possible before - but they are a SUPPLEMENT. Got that Georgie? Fuckin Putz.
I'm sorry that i have to be so vulgar to express my deep-seated resentment of these movies, but i love Star Wars. It is the most captivating idea in the world. You hear me? Idea. Not movie, story, world, etc. - IDEA. It incorporates what must have been the beliefs of a very young, very innocent young man into a world where those beliefs are tangible. Problem is that the boy grew up. The story turned into a franchise... the idea became a plotline.
Damn shame if you ask me.
"Crash into me."
::sigh:: You know what i compare these movies to? In retrospect, i compare them to finding out that there is no santa clause, no easter bunny, no tooth fairy. Watching these most recent iterations of a seemingly timeless and infinite idea put it into perspective - it is just an idea. An idea that some young aspiring director invented and verbalized. It isn't real - in almost any sense. Watching these latest 2 movies is like finding out that your parents are some day going to die, and more importantly - so are you. It is the end of a childhood dream. The end, in some cases, of your childhood. It is the moment that the last open doorway that you passed by in the hallway of life has shut behind you, and you can no longer go back - can't even look, unless you want your eyes to melt with despair in their now-too-small sockets; the spit in your mouth turning to ash, and your heart chilling to the point where your blood freezes and your brain burns.
In other words it sucks.
A lot.
I miss being a kid. I don't mean first grade, mind you - though that WAS fun. I mean highschool, maybe even grade school. I miss having a chance to prove to someone how good i am. I miss doing badly in school and still being told how much potential i have. I MISS THAT. Do you know, i think it was the fault of all those teachers that said how smart they thought i was that i did badly in school? I didn't want to be the smart kid, i wanted to be Prince Hal! I wanted to be the sun behind the clouds, which is much more lustrous and vibrant than had it always been present. I guess that was my cry for help. Noone really heard or cared though - mind you i'm not being morose or saying i blame them - i just know that, if i were given another chance, i would do it all differently.
Differently.
Wow... i can't believe i just said that. I've always talked about how happy i am where i am - how much i believe that we all end up where we are for a reason... and i just negated all those statements of belief with one sentence.
...
Forgive me for making a sudden and shocking realization in the midst of a blog, and indeed typing every one of my thoughts out into cyberspace - where noone can hear you scream. Can you hear me? I think for the first time i just heard myself. I'm pissed. Super pissed.
I fucking hate this bullshit! What the hell am i doing here?! Why AM I HERE?! Why didn't i try harder? Why didn't i actually think about my life??? Look where i am!! Look at this! What if i'd done it right?! what if i'd done it better?! What if i'd tried instead of using every excuse i had to not do anything?
You know what my life is? I can sum it up in one story:
when i was in the 6th grade or so, i developed "asthma" - It conveniently disappeared in about a week, and this left about half a week before, and half a week after one of those glorious gym "mile run" days. You know the type, where you run the mile - one measly mile. I had "asthma". really i did. It was just "quick healing asthma", that's all.
The moral is this: I knew what was expected, and i knew that i didn't want to do it. Not because didn't think i could, but because i didn't want to find out if i was wrong - if maybe i COULDN'T do it, or COULD. I didn't want to know, because i knew that knowing might cause more problems either way. I didn't know, and i didn't care.
That seems to be my whole life - doing for the moment. Living for the things that i'm experiencing at the moment.
Now all i want is to live in the past. The land of woulda and coulda. I'd give anything to teach myself that lesson... to go back and teach myself that living life doesn't mean focusing only on the immediate - the tangible. I'm so disappointed in my past. I'm actually even kind of disappointed in my present. I don't think i'm in the right place. I don't think this is where i'm supposed to be. Maybe i never should have left NY, maybe that's where my life was put on pause, and is waiting for me.
I swear to god i feel it calling - pulling, YANKING! It's like if my body ceased to exist, my soul would be dragged quickly and roughly to the place where i'm supposed to be. I need to be there. Where? Where do i need to be dammit!!! Maybe it was illinois - maybe i shouldn't have left. ... god i know what this sounds like, but it's not - i swear! i didn't feel like this when i moved to peoria. i missed new york, my life, my friends, but i didn't miss it like this. I didn't feel like i had left my heart somewhere behind.
It feels like the butterflies. In your stomache, you know? The ones that flutter and fly when you're nervous, happy, sad - but it's not just flitting randomly about in there - it's a coordinated attempt at mass exodus. Exodus in one direction, wings beating frantically in a vain attempt to cut loose the cord which binds us and fly off over the moutains toward the horizon and the darkness opposing the moon.
Why is it like this? I don't understand what's going on - why i'm feeling like this. Most importantly - i want to know if i will ever be happy with who i am. If i will ever accept myself for who i am - who I've become. Not just saying it. Not just theorizing about the rational and correct choices and idea, but having them - doing them.
We are what life makes us - life is what we make it. Break free. ? somehow. just gotta - hafta - need to break free somehow. God, if there was ever a time for an answer, this is it. This is the time, the place, the soul in need.
"... and it must follow as the night the day,"
for now, i guess I'll catch ya - catch ya on the flipside, baby.
KTBB
.Christian
PS: It has been observed that the Hollander's author is no other than me, myself, and the other guy that lives in my head. This is absolutely true. I feel i should inform you all that for inspiration - The Hollander draws on a cult classic, and recently popular - yet now defunct - television series: The Highlander. That's part of the joke - thought you should get a glimpse at the punchline ;-) I will, btw, update it soon - i feel like i need to vent all this seemingly endless frustration... perhaps The Hollander, his sword, and his blog would be the best outlet. Time will tell, no?
PPS: Goodnight folks ... thanks for listening - i really appreciate it.
Just thought i'd comment briefly on the main context of my previous blog. ... That was it: the title.
So anyways, i have a great line-up of songs to listen to while i'm writing this - and i'm very excited.
Ah yes, "Creep" - A Capella. Mmmm.
Anyways, i think - Dammit!! OK, I KNOW that this whole "grass in the aquarium" thing was a stupid idea. YEESH. I swear to god, there's more grass coming out of this tank than there ever was IN it!! and i just don't understand why in the hell it all keeps coming back out of the gravel anyways! I just stopped putting it back in though - i've just been throwing it away as it comes out. I'm TOTALLY sick and tired of it. That and lilly peeing on the kitchen floor... That's another story i guess. Looks like the green is slowly seeping back into the other plants though - apparently that whole "too much iron" thing wasn't working out too well.
So i watched Episode 1 and Episode 2 tonight, trying to see if maybe i had misjudged the movies, and really they were just as epic and timeless as the first three. No. 1 was still lame and annoying, and 2 was still putsy and cheesy. I'm seriously pissed at Lucas. Did you notice that if you just took the basic story line, removed all the dialogue, and rewrote most of the action, THESE WOULD BE GREAT MOVIES!
I don't know what he did differently the first time, but it worked, yknow? No Jar-Fuckin-Jar. Nuff said.
But you know what my other problem with all this is? Aside from the "family oriented theming" of the most recent movies? 2 things. 1) They have been introducing characters into the movies without really thinking about the consequences! (ie: if C3PO and R2 are droids, and therefore have a seemingly permanent memory, why is it that they seem COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that they KNOW who Obi-Wan Kenobi is? Seems to me like they would know a HELL of a lot more than they did.)
"Don't fear the Reaper" (musical interlude)
2) I thought the clone wars would be badass - but so far they're setting up for a BIG fall in my esteem.
oh, and 3) did i mention this whole thing is full of stupid cheese? And i don't just mean the time when C3PO's head is being dragged off by R2 and he exclaims "Oh, this is such a drag!" No, i mean also the whole "cutting of the right hand" thing. OK. We know he's luke's father. There is absolutely NO need to rub it in our face like "Look Look!! Look at the ironic and mysterious coincidences that manifest themselves when you overlay the characters of Father and Son!! Look! LOOK! I'm George Lucas and i chew my kid's food for them too! I even play with their legos so they don't have to!!"
Fucker.
He took such an incredible, fantastical, indepth, interesting story, and just - well - i dunno, maybe he just got old. Old and uninteresting. Maybe getting rich reminded him that he was supposed to make money, not a good movie. And you know what? If this is what he WANTED for the original movies, i say shoot him. Shoot him in the head before he does something stupid and redoes the entire series in All-CGI. Ah hell, just shoot him in case he even THINKS about it.
I agree that CGI is cool, and that it can help develop and render ideas that had never been possible before - but they are a SUPPLEMENT. Got that Georgie? Fuckin Putz.
I'm sorry that i have to be so vulgar to express my deep-seated resentment of these movies, but i love Star Wars. It is the most captivating idea in the world. You hear me? Idea. Not movie, story, world, etc. - IDEA. It incorporates what must have been the beliefs of a very young, very innocent young man into a world where those beliefs are tangible. Problem is that the boy grew up. The story turned into a franchise... the idea became a plotline.
Damn shame if you ask me.
"Crash into me."
::sigh:: You know what i compare these movies to? In retrospect, i compare them to finding out that there is no santa clause, no easter bunny, no tooth fairy. Watching these most recent iterations of a seemingly timeless and infinite idea put it into perspective - it is just an idea. An idea that some young aspiring director invented and verbalized. It isn't real - in almost any sense. Watching these latest 2 movies is like finding out that your parents are some day going to die, and more importantly - so are you. It is the end of a childhood dream. The end, in some cases, of your childhood. It is the moment that the last open doorway that you passed by in the hallway of life has shut behind you, and you can no longer go back - can't even look, unless you want your eyes to melt with despair in their now-too-small sockets; the spit in your mouth turning to ash, and your heart chilling to the point where your blood freezes and your brain burns.
In other words it sucks.
A lot.
I miss being a kid. I don't mean first grade, mind you - though that WAS fun. I mean highschool, maybe even grade school. I miss having a chance to prove to someone how good i am. I miss doing badly in school and still being told how much potential i have. I MISS THAT. Do you know, i think it was the fault of all those teachers that said how smart they thought i was that i did badly in school? I didn't want to be the smart kid, i wanted to be Prince Hal! I wanted to be the sun behind the clouds, which is much more lustrous and vibrant than had it always been present. I guess that was my cry for help. Noone really heard or cared though - mind you i'm not being morose or saying i blame them - i just know that, if i were given another chance, i would do it all differently.
Differently.
Wow... i can't believe i just said that. I've always talked about how happy i am where i am - how much i believe that we all end up where we are for a reason... and i just negated all those statements of belief with one sentence.
...
Forgive me for making a sudden and shocking realization in the midst of a blog, and indeed typing every one of my thoughts out into cyberspace - where noone can hear you scream. Can you hear me? I think for the first time i just heard myself. I'm pissed. Super pissed.
I fucking hate this bullshit! What the hell am i doing here?! Why AM I HERE?! Why didn't i try harder? Why didn't i actually think about my life??? Look where i am!! Look at this! What if i'd done it right?! what if i'd done it better?! What if i'd tried instead of using every excuse i had to not do anything?
You know what my life is? I can sum it up in one story:
when i was in the 6th grade or so, i developed "asthma" - It conveniently disappeared in about a week, and this left about half a week before, and half a week after one of those glorious gym "mile run" days. You know the type, where you run the mile - one measly mile. I had "asthma". really i did. It was just "quick healing asthma", that's all.
The moral is this: I knew what was expected, and i knew that i didn't want to do it. Not because didn't think i could, but because i didn't want to find out if i was wrong - if maybe i COULDN'T do it, or COULD. I didn't want to know, because i knew that knowing might cause more problems either way. I didn't know, and i didn't care.
That seems to be my whole life - doing for the moment. Living for the things that i'm experiencing at the moment.
Now all i want is to live in the past. The land of woulda and coulda. I'd give anything to teach myself that lesson... to go back and teach myself that living life doesn't mean focusing only on the immediate - the tangible. I'm so disappointed in my past. I'm actually even kind of disappointed in my present. I don't think i'm in the right place. I don't think this is where i'm supposed to be. Maybe i never should have left NY, maybe that's where my life was put on pause, and is waiting for me.
I swear to god i feel it calling - pulling, YANKING! It's like if my body ceased to exist, my soul would be dragged quickly and roughly to the place where i'm supposed to be. I need to be there. Where? Where do i need to be dammit!!! Maybe it was illinois - maybe i shouldn't have left. ... god i know what this sounds like, but it's not - i swear! i didn't feel like this when i moved to peoria. i missed new york, my life, my friends, but i didn't miss it like this. I didn't feel like i had left my heart somewhere behind.
It feels like the butterflies. In your stomache, you know? The ones that flutter and fly when you're nervous, happy, sad - but it's not just flitting randomly about in there - it's a coordinated attempt at mass exodus. Exodus in one direction, wings beating frantically in a vain attempt to cut loose the cord which binds us and fly off over the moutains toward the horizon and the darkness opposing the moon.
Why is it like this? I don't understand what's going on - why i'm feeling like this. Most importantly - i want to know if i will ever be happy with who i am. If i will ever accept myself for who i am - who I've become. Not just saying it. Not just theorizing about the rational and correct choices and idea, but having them - doing them.
We are what life makes us - life is what we make it. Break free. ? somehow. just gotta - hafta - need to break free somehow. God, if there was ever a time for an answer, this is it. This is the time, the place, the soul in need.
"... and it must follow as the night the day,"
for now, i guess I'll catch ya - catch ya on the flipside, baby.
KTBB
.Christian
PS: It has been observed that the Hollander's author is no other than me, myself, and the other guy that lives in my head. This is absolutely true. I feel i should inform you all that for inspiration - The Hollander draws on a cult classic, and recently popular - yet now defunct - television series: The Highlander. That's part of the joke - thought you should get a glimpse at the punchline ;-) I will, btw, update it soon - i feel like i need to vent all this seemingly endless frustration... perhaps The Hollander, his sword, and his blog would be the best outlet. Time will tell, no?
PPS: Goodnight folks ... thanks for listening - i really appreciate it.
Monday, September 1, 2003
"Paranoia strikes deep..."
Damn Shibby. You know what? Damn fuckin-a Shibby.
Just so you all know, it's 850am, i've been awake for all of 20 minutes, and i'm superfuckin pissed. You remember i mentioned that last night i went to see SWAT? (told you about those periods) Well guess what? I WENT WITH B! OH NO!!! HORROR! SHAME! LAMENT!
fuck that.
Seriously, B has become not only my best friend here, but she's well one her way to making it to the top of the all-time list. And i'm supposed to what? Stop hanging out with her because she's a girl? Oh wait, i'm sorry, what? I'm supposed to stop hanging out with ALL girls? Oh... and i'm supposed to what? Stay at home all day every day with the exception of work, and stay home all night every night, unless if find some guys to hang out with? Oh, I'm supposed to meet these people at random or through work and instantly have people to hang out with who aren't female?? OK! Let's DO IT!
F-U-C-K THAT.
Let me let you all in on a little secret. I made a decision when we knew we were going to move out here that i would no longer get jealous about Kim hanging out with other people. I still haven't had to test that, but you know what? I might not ever have to. You know what she said to me today? "Well, i guess then ill go out with someone." The context of this conversation did not imply going out as "Friends". Just so you know Kim, if you ever read this, or think that my personal thoughts are important enough to glance at for a minute: If you ever go out with someone with more than friendship in mind, it's over. That second, that instant - the moment i see you (or hear from you- though THAT's pretty rare) it's over. I don't want to be with someone i can't trust - and i definitely don't want to be with someone who would do something like that because she was upset that i wasn't staying at home and being "lonely". Do you know that she actually said that? "Obviously you're not lonely without me." No matter what i said she kept implying that not only was i not lonely, but that i SHOULD be. How selfish is that? I may have thought that sometimes in my life when one of my girlfriends (even kim) was out with a bunch of people and i was far away, but after a YEAR AND NINE MONTHS???? that's bullshit. That's rude. You know what? Maybe she does have something do be jealous of. Not because i feel some special way about B, (which I don't, except to say what I said about her before) but because when we hang out, i have a good time! I enjoy myself! I laugh for christ's sake!!!!! I LAUGH!! and it's Friggin GREAT! And you know what?? It's been so long since i've been that happy around Kim (if ever) that i really wonder if this is how it's supposed to be!
So let's review:
1) I should be lonely.
2) I shouldn't hang out with friends of the opposite sex.
3) If i do, i should expect Kim to start going out with other guys.
4) This going out may not be exclusively as friends.
5) I should be lonely.
instead of finding new ways to break our relationship or my heart, why don't you try finding a way to fix them. Or is that too much to ask? Is it more important to you to have someone to hate? Is it more important to you to prove that you can't trust anyone except yourself? Grow up. I've done nothing but give my all to you, and you've done nothing but ask for more. You want to find a way to stop me from dating other people? (which i'm not fucking doing) Give me a reason to think that our relationship is still worth having - cause at this point, i'd rather not have a relationship, and not argue anymore, than have one and argue every night and every day. EVERY FUCKING DAY. Your call.
I apologize to everyone else who's reading this - especially since Kim most likely won't even look over it, and therefore you are the only ones who will ever know what i just said. To those who believe in this kinda thing: Gimme some positive energy, folks. To those who don't? Pray to your respective deities for me. To those who don't feel like doing either or are completely atheistic? Have a great Labor Day! (i guess that should go to everyone ::grin::)
KTBB
.Christian
PS: I'd say "catch ya on the flip side, baby" but since i just woke up, that might not make too much sense :-)
PPS: Bed Bugs, however, they're ever-present ;-)
Just so you all know, it's 850am, i've been awake for all of 20 minutes, and i'm superfuckin pissed. You remember i mentioned that last night i went to see SWAT? (told you about those periods) Well guess what? I WENT WITH B! OH NO!!! HORROR! SHAME! LAMENT!
fuck that.
Seriously, B has become not only my best friend here, but she's well one her way to making it to the top of the all-time list. And i'm supposed to what? Stop hanging out with her because she's a girl? Oh wait, i'm sorry, what? I'm supposed to stop hanging out with ALL girls? Oh... and i'm supposed to what? Stay at home all day every day with the exception of work, and stay home all night every night, unless if find some guys to hang out with? Oh, I'm supposed to meet these people at random or through work and instantly have people to hang out with who aren't female?? OK! Let's DO IT!
F-U-C-K THAT.
Let me let you all in on a little secret. I made a decision when we knew we were going to move out here that i would no longer get jealous about Kim hanging out with other people. I still haven't had to test that, but you know what? I might not ever have to. You know what she said to me today? "Well, i guess then ill go out with someone." The context of this conversation did not imply going out as "Friends". Just so you know Kim, if you ever read this, or think that my personal thoughts are important enough to glance at for a minute: If you ever go out with someone with more than friendship in mind, it's over. That second, that instant - the moment i see you (or hear from you- though THAT's pretty rare) it's over. I don't want to be with someone i can't trust - and i definitely don't want to be with someone who would do something like that because she was upset that i wasn't staying at home and being "lonely". Do you know that she actually said that? "Obviously you're not lonely without me." No matter what i said she kept implying that not only was i not lonely, but that i SHOULD be. How selfish is that? I may have thought that sometimes in my life when one of my girlfriends (even kim) was out with a bunch of people and i was far away, but after a YEAR AND NINE MONTHS???? that's bullshit. That's rude. You know what? Maybe she does have something do be jealous of. Not because i feel some special way about B, (which I don't, except to say what I said about her before) but because when we hang out, i have a good time! I enjoy myself! I laugh for christ's sake!!!!! I LAUGH!! and it's Friggin GREAT! And you know what?? It's been so long since i've been that happy around Kim (if ever) that i really wonder if this is how it's supposed to be!
So let's review:
1) I should be lonely.
2) I shouldn't hang out with friends of the opposite sex.
3) If i do, i should expect Kim to start going out with other guys.
4) This going out may not be exclusively as friends.
5) I should be lonely.
instead of finding new ways to break our relationship or my heart, why don't you try finding a way to fix them. Or is that too much to ask? Is it more important to you to have someone to hate? Is it more important to you to prove that you can't trust anyone except yourself? Grow up. I've done nothing but give my all to you, and you've done nothing but ask for more. You want to find a way to stop me from dating other people? (which i'm not fucking doing) Give me a reason to think that our relationship is still worth having - cause at this point, i'd rather not have a relationship, and not argue anymore, than have one and argue every night and every day. EVERY FUCKING DAY. Your call.
I apologize to everyone else who's reading this - especially since Kim most likely won't even look over it, and therefore you are the only ones who will ever know what i just said. To those who believe in this kinda thing: Gimme some positive energy, folks. To those who don't? Pray to your respective deities for me. To those who don't feel like doing either or are completely atheistic? Have a great Labor Day! (i guess that should go to everyone ::grin::)
KTBB
.Christian
PS: I'd say "catch ya on the flip side, baby" but since i just woke up, that might not make too much sense :-)
PPS: Bed Bugs, however, they're ever-present ;-)
"lookie lookie, i got a hookie"
Yay Rufio.
So we just saw S.W.A.T. (i'm not spending my time with those periods again, just so you know) and i must say - it was decent. Not "Great!!" or "Stupendous!" but not "Shameful..." or "Terrible!" either. I actually rather liked the end - before the cheese that came pre-credits.
I just got a new game called Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Can i just say wow? That's really all i'll put in at this juncture. Sure they could have improved some stuff - but mostly, this is a kickass game. Really addictive too. (did YOU see a blog last night?)
I just tried some new stuff with my fish tank - the water's all cloudy now though, so i must have thrown more stuff out of whack than i had thought i would. Mostly to do with the PH, though as i think i mentioned somewhere before, i don't plan on adding any Fe for a little while either... but i didn't change more than 20% or so of the water.... hm. Oh, and btw, i'm a genius. Some of you may recall (well, unless you've never talked to me in person) that i was having some problems with air bubbles going from the bubble wand into my filter? Well no more! I took two straws, cut them a little shorter, split them lengthwise, and after putting one over part of the wand, put the other over the first to secure it. Do you know what i was aiming at here? Good. Cause it worked! the bubbles now "mysteriously" vanish for a bit around the filter - no more air! gorry i'm cool.
Do you know what the best thing about Cool Whip and Phish Food is? That's it. Cool Whip and Phish Food. Yum. Though i must say, if this doesn't shock my metabolism back into action, nothing will. (PS: yes, i'm still keeping myself low on carbs - but i want to keep my body burning, so i'm throwing it a few curve balls once a week) Gosh, that's some major deja-vu. Wow.
OK folks - i know this was a REAL interesting read, but i'm gonna go ni ni now. Not even gonna play KOTOR, just sleep. Catch ya on the flip side, baby.
KTBB
.Christian
So we just saw S.W.A.T. (i'm not spending my time with those periods again, just so you know) and i must say - it was decent. Not "Great!!" or "Stupendous!" but not "Shameful..." or "Terrible!" either. I actually rather liked the end - before the cheese that came pre-credits.
I just got a new game called Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Can i just say wow? That's really all i'll put in at this juncture. Sure they could have improved some stuff - but mostly, this is a kickass game. Really addictive too. (did YOU see a blog last night?)
I just tried some new stuff with my fish tank - the water's all cloudy now though, so i must have thrown more stuff out of whack than i had thought i would. Mostly to do with the PH, though as i think i mentioned somewhere before, i don't plan on adding any Fe for a little while either... but i didn't change more than 20% or so of the water.... hm. Oh, and btw, i'm a genius. Some of you may recall (well, unless you've never talked to me in person) that i was having some problems with air bubbles going from the bubble wand into my filter? Well no more! I took two straws, cut them a little shorter, split them lengthwise, and after putting one over part of the wand, put the other over the first to secure it. Do you know what i was aiming at here? Good. Cause it worked! the bubbles now "mysteriously" vanish for a bit around the filter - no more air! gorry i'm cool.
Do you know what the best thing about Cool Whip and Phish Food is? That's it. Cool Whip and Phish Food. Yum. Though i must say, if this doesn't shock my metabolism back into action, nothing will. (PS: yes, i'm still keeping myself low on carbs - but i want to keep my body burning, so i'm throwing it a few curve balls once a week) Gosh, that's some major deja-vu. Wow.
OK folks - i know this was a REAL interesting read, but i'm gonna go ni ni now. Not even gonna play KOTOR, just sleep. Catch ya on the flip side, baby.
KTBB
.Christian
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