Monday, December 8, 2003

Been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.

I apologize in advance for the anger contained within the words, letters, indeed mere keypresses which make up this blog.



That feels mildly better. Sorry bout the fuckin' "fuck"s.

Let me start with a non-sore topic: I went to blog about a week ago but the site wouldn't load on my computer. Thought you should know.

So, the reason i'm upset:

Kim and I argued about little shit all day -


I should preface this by saying that we kindamaybebasicallyreallygot back together. Bout a week ago. Anniversary. Does it every time.

where was i?

hmmm, where am i ANY time kim is in the blog?

oh yeah: Arguing about little shit all day.

Come time for her to go to work, she asks me if i can drop her off. I in turn ask her if she could just take the car and drive herself to work.

Have i mentioned that her hospital is about 10 to 15 minutes each way? To be sure, no big deal, but let me ask you something. What is 730 (the latest she gets off work) minus 15? 715, right?


do you know what time i work? at the earliest?


i get up at 8.

on good days.

days when i don't have to wake up FORTY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES EARLY.

Now i have no problem with this when i need the car later that night, but doesn't it seem like it would make more sense if... oh.... say KIM took the car to work and back?

So let's go back:

"I in turn ask her if she could just take the car and drive herself to work."

She says no.



Why not?

"I don't know where to park."

i think this portion of the blog should be enough to explain why i started on the tumbling, dark road of anger and disillusionment.

"You've been working there a month and you don't know where to park?"

"I'll ask tonight."

"Could you call to find out?"

"I'll wait till i get there then ask someone."

Omitions have been made from both sides here - but you get the gist.

Phone rings - "It's your GIRLFRIEND." - argument ensues.

I have friends. These friends are girls. Cut it any way you like to - justify the jealousy and lack of trust with any pretty words or complex ideas that you want to, but ultimately it all comes down to this:

"I have friends. These friends are girls."

I will no longer dignify these hints at my lack of morality - these suggestions of depravity - allusions to an adulterous nature which, quite simply, does not exist - with a response of any kind, nor will i tolerate them.

=== phone rings, 5 minutes pass ===

I just got off the phone with kim, and i feel like shit. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world for wanting to, in the words of her favorite show "Start Over". But that's how i feel. I think that the end of our conversation summarized it quite succinctly: She asked me if i just wanted her to move back, and if i just hadn't been able to tell her so - i responded by telling her that I am willing to go to any lengths necessary to make the arguments stop. I told her that all i want is to be happy, safe, and secure in the relationship. She suggested that i don't feel any of those things with our relationship. I didn't answer. She said she had to go and hung up.

I feel like i should be mincing words, leaving out details, 'forgetting' a few things - but i'm too upset, the wound is too fresh, and bluntly: this is why i have a blog.

I don't know what to do. When things are good, they're great. When they're bad, they're horrible. I know what i would tell myself if i were someone else. Easier said than done, right? Damnit.

On top of that, i have to study.
Write an essay.
Write another.

And feed the animals. Damn. Forgot about that.



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