Saturday, August 16, 2003

Love, Loss, Lament

For those of you who have not known me for at least 2 or more years, this will most likely be something you don't know. I'm not from here. Nor where you are. I am from myriad different places, and have grown all because of those in these 24some years.

But i will tell you all something very important.

Listen now - the part of my life which most defined who i am, and how i live my life, was in an 'upstate' town outside of New York City, where i resided most of my life ... or at least the longest. My last year before college. The last summer. But most importantly - the beginning of my life as i know it. Me, as you know me now. "I am. I was!"

I can't help but feel like i've managed to make myself a mystery to everyone that knows me. An enigma with a simple exterior. I don't know when i decided that i wouldnt let people in, but i do know that it was that aforementioned part of my life that began to blend who i am without, with who i am within.


The age old question that most people will be forced to ponder at least a few times in their lives. Is there really ever a simple answer? It's almost like talking about some abstract quantum physics equation, where theoretical A combined with hypothetical B equals as-yet-undiscovered C. I am me. I think, therefore i am. Even the oldest, most constantly expressed description of self - "I AM". JHWH. Blasphemy? The bible is one of the oldest written records of law and religious belief systems (old testament - Ta Biblos - IE not the NEW testament. That would not be the old one, and therefore NOT the set of books which are herein being referenced) which were, ultimately, created by people. People in search of answers. How do you describe the one thing more complex than all of existence? I am. Simple, effective, all encompassing.

I think the terri pratchett books talk about taking things apart too much. Why do we disect anything and everything around us when even in one of the most important books in modern Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, we are contented to describe our feelings and thoughts of God with 2 words?

Be yourself. I am. To thine own self be true. I am. Stop frontin'. I am.

So who am i? before i got onto this little diatribe about religion and it's outermost effects on our societal views as a whole, I believe i was saying something about an enigma. Who am i? Who is this I? Who is this person referred to as I? What being is this person referred to as I? What is the inner make up which is in this being which is this person referred to as I?

Some may get where i'm going with this. Break it down all you want, there are fifty words to choose from for every part of the sentence which used to be only 3 words long. An absolute existence is one which cannot be described (paradox anyone?) with any amount of words, or images. An absolute reality is one which even the human mind, if completely devoted to no other task, could not entirely grasp or comprehend.

Some say God is this absolute; or Brahma; or Nirvana; i say look in the mirror. Be yourself. I am.

The point of this essaie on the topic of absolutes and their relation to human beings is this: I don't know who i am... maybe never will. I believe that life is meant to be lived however you want to live it: in the past, present, future, or all three if you damn well please. Me, i'll throw in another place to live - Fairy Tale Land. A place where everyone has a happy ending can't be all that bad.

I guess to sum up: I am here where i am because of the past. I cannot go back - but i am already there. Give life a chance, and it will give you one in return. Save the Whales... etc. Life is full of so much doubt - but always know that I am. Or as Vertical Horizon might say - "We Are". Sometimes you want what you can't have. Sometimes you have what you don't want. Sometimes you have no clue about what you have or what you want. "Sometimes the snow comes down in June"

Live, love, laugh - if you can't do any of the above, visit Fairy Tale Land - See ya there. - or should i say "Catch you on the flip side, baby."


PS: "oh sure, blame dee bat."
PPS: thought i'd forget about the bedbugs? THINK AGAIN! BUGS - BITE - KICK - FOOT! HA HA!
PPPS: we here at Random Thought apologize for the bedbugs... the writer of the PS above has been sacked. (well, that personality anyway)

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