Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Take everything i said yesterday

Flip it, reverse it, dunk it in the blackest, murkiest oil spill you can find and throw it in Poe's Pit.

That's my day today.

I don't think i've felt this down in a while, and the world around me isn't making things any better. It's not like it started off bad - in fact it was fine until i went to IPE. Once i was there i realized how stupid i was gonna look when i got up to give my presentation on current events... and i was right. I got up and in a flash of sheer genius decided to mention another article i'd read last week before i started talking about the one i had for this one. It was stupid too, the only two questions that even came up were essentially "what the hell were you talking about?" and "what the hell is wrong with you and why can't you understand simple economic theory or practice?"

As if to make things entirely worse, after suffering through the class finding new ways to tell myself how fucking stupid i am, i made my way to the caf, sat down at a table where everyone usually sits, popped open my laptop, and watched as every person i knew came in and either sat somewhere else, or got some food THEN sat somewhere else.

So here i am just sitting at this stupid table all by myself and venting out my frustrations to the only place that cares. My computer. That is so FUCKING SAD! I don't understand this shit, i don't even have people around me that care enough to come up and just talk.

OK strike that. Choysandra (hell i don't even know how to spell that) just came up and congratulated me on my speech. Honestly i can't tell if it was mostly sarcasm, but considering the source i'll give her the benefit of the doubt. It's also a little encouraging because if it was meant as just a nice thing to say then i can't help but feel a little better about my DISASTROUS presentation.

I wish there were a reason to Blog when i'm happy, but i think my ratio right now is something like 5 billion bad blogs to one good blog.

I just found out that a friend of mine that i haven't talked to in a while is engaged. Mike and Maura, who you probably don't know, just got engaged on saturday. This is officially the second blog in which i've remarked a friend getting engaged. This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper.

Next is strategy. Then home to let lilly out. Lunch and Accounting. WHOLE BUTTLOAD of studying.

I honestly don't know why i'm here sometimes. Just hearing the people that came before me doing their presentations i realized that in comparison to them, i was not only at the bottom of the barrel, but i WAS the bottom of the barrel - in fact, i composed the particles which made up the mold, resting on the scum, adhered to the wood on the bottom of the barrel. I feel so inept that i don't know how i knew that word - people like me should use the word "stupid". Hell, 'incompetent' might be too much of a load on my brain.


What's worse is that i can't help but turn all that anger and resentment outside and blame everyone around me, who has nothing to do with any of this. It's almost as if i believe that if i could blame everyone here for everything, then just ignore them, my problems would go away! What makes it worse is that by excluding me even just a little, they give me something that i can explode into a problem worthy of carrying all those things i was talking about.

I don't know if my biggest problem is that i externalize my problems, or that i internalize my inadequacies, or that i don't just live my life and forget all that shit in the first place. Dear Abbie, please help! I want so much to feel wanted, appreciated, more importantly, to be NEEDED. What a great feeling! But how SELFISH! Let's think about it this way: Not "They are happier with me," but "They would be less happy without me." Why would you ever want someone else to be less happy just so that you can feel needed? What a fucking asshole i am. All these things that i do that i'm always convinced are because i want others to be happier or better or whatever are all just me wanting to be the one responsible for the positive change. I want to be the hero so i can be recognized. How bullshit is that?! Even this damn sweatshirt i'm wearing today is a stark reminder that i have been seeking personal glory and recognition through even the most altruistic-like means. Boy Scout Merit Badge Day? I was a joke! I did a worse job teaching those kids than they would have done themselves. I should have left, and they would have been better off.

God i hate days like this. All i can think about is how much i hate myself for being a hipocrite and a fool, both in equal quantities. You know what my birthday is to me? A day to fucking remember how much bullshit i inject into my life on a daily basis to make myself feel justified or vindicated against the crimes of the past commited against me by the ghosts of my insufferable and unending memories. Why does life SUCK so much? How am i supposed to be growing in any way from feeling so inadequate? You know what it means to be kind, forgiving, and giving? It means being a sucker who thinks that he's going to make up for all the shit in his past by being the best he can be, and being everything to everyone. It's bullshit. I'm a fucking waste of air. Aren't we all?

One day at a time, right? Well fuck it. I have things to do, places to go, and people to see. And i'm really fucking tired of hearing myself whine about this bullshit. Besides - check back on me tomorrow or later today and i'll probably be totally different. "And you shall find me a graver man." Sorry, bad joke - it's seriously not that bad. Actually i feel a lot better by now. Just getting all that crap off my chest has made me feel a lot better about everything. Well... relatively.

::Sigh:: Back to the grind then. Catch ya on the flip side, baby.


PS: KTBB, 'cause why the hell not after a blog like this?

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