Monday, February 23, 2004

Apparently i really am an idiot.

We (me and 4 others) recently turned in a group paper on an analysis of a case study that was done on dell. I had one frickin job - to write a four page analysis of the information that we had accumulated.

The first time i wrote the paper one of my group members pointed out that it was probably too "business journalism" - i had listed a lot of facts and not really said anything that novel or intriguing about our conclusions. Fine. I actually agreed pretty completely about that one.

The second time i wrote (four pages) the analysis, i did a much better job of presenting a discussion on the other companies shortcomings and the reasons for their failure. At least that's what i thought. After about an hour of another group member going through my paper and rewording almost everything - insisting that i am the most grammatically inept human being on the planet - almost the entire thing had been reworded and was supposedly a lot better. Fine. It's a group project. I'll live.

Then i find out today that not only did i write the paper twice, then watch it get torn completely asunder at the hands of someone with a totally different writing style, but in the end it barely resembled what i had written, being completely changed in the best interest of the group.

I can understand that the goal was to get a good grade. I can even understand the conclusion that my thoughts on the matter were totally incorrect and did not reflect everything that the group wanted to say. What i can't understand is why i'm in this fucking school if i'm such a fucking nimrod. What i can't understand is why most people who read the things i write tell me that they thought it was well worded and thought out. What i can't FUCKING understand is why i did anything in the first place!

I've consistently failed at everything that i've tried to do at this goddamned school. The only thing i have to show for this entire experience so far is a huge gaping hole where what little self-confidence i had used to hide, and an almost bigger hole in my checking account.

I seriously don't get why i even bother.

::sigh:: I really do understand why they did it - and i don't blame them... but that doesn't mean that i can understand what the hell i'm doing here, or that i can say i honestly feel i will contribute anything to the groups i'm in. I feel the biggest dead weight anyone could tie to their ankle.

Maybe that would be a good objective statement: To be a dead weight focusing in the IT industry in Western North America.

I'm gonna go to my overseas meeting now. Maybe she should just save me the time and tell me not to bother. At least in the summer heat of arizona the campus would be near empty and i wouldn't be surrounded by people who actually know what they're doing.


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