Tuesday, August 3, 2004


It seems like it's so easy to get really passionate about something so trivial and obscure as a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach, and then it's so easy to just let it go and start tugging again at the bear trap you stepped in as a child. This morning i was still hungover from watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", but now it seems like weeks since I saw it, and all the feelings of doubt, regret, hope, and sorrow have disappeared almost completely, leaving barely enough to write this blog about something that I can't even describe.

BTW, i filled out my profile. Joy.

I really have to wonder sometimes if i'm where i'm supposed to be... those of you who have actually been intrigued (or bored, whatever) enough to read this blog from the beginning will doubtless note that this is not the first time i have posited such a question, and it is doubtful that it will be the last. I really wish that i could somehow explain away the strange and convoluted feeling deep in my heart, but i really just can't, it's just a feeling. I can't even really discuss it further because as past experience has dictated, this is no longer the forum for that... i am once more relegated to pondering the impossible on my own or not at all.

Well, suffice it to say that not at all won't do.


I'm feeling really good lately. Ever since i've been here in mexico i've been walking to school (bout a mile) every day, and recently we (a group of fellow students and I) have been running pretty frequently, to the point where i'm really starting to feel like my body actually may not lag behind my soul for much longer. It's a horrible you know? Feeling like you are in someone else's body, wearing someone else's skin. It's not just a looks thing, it kinda relates back to what i was sayin before, which we've already decided not to talk about on-line. I'm glad that things are feeling a little better though, it's nice to feel healthy :-)

I wonder how many people actually take the time to read this damn thing anymore... maybe it IS safe to talk about stuff again. I gotta say, i hadn't really expected to find out that it had proliferated so successfully throughout my friends and acquaintances, I almost feel like EdTV. Honestly, this was just supposed to be some "if people could read it, but i know they won't" kinda thing... then i put the address on my IM and it just kinda... blew. It was nice for a long time when it was a peek into my thoughts, but then it became a place to find answers, and a place where blame was cast. I guess it's hard to stop writing about your emotions, but i think i'll be transfering a lot of that off-line.

What is it about that voyeuristic glamour? You almost feel as though your words have more importance because people are reading them... like a rush. It makes you say things in the most honest and upfront way you know how, and then you find out, remember, whatever, that honesty is not always the best policy, and that people prefer the truth to a lie, but more importantly they prefer their version of the truth over anything. It's selective typing that kills you - telling people what's on the forefront and not letting them see the whole picture because you're too tired or strung out to finish writing everything that's on your mind - even if it would take all of eternity. But then i guess it goes both ways - reading what you want out of it and not reading the mind between the lines of text. What? You mean you can't guess at every thought in my mind from the few paltry words i haphazardly toss on these virtual pages of emotional release? Pish-posh.

"So close your eyes and kiss yourself goodbye, and think about the times we spent and what they meant." - Greenday

God that's always a bad sign, qouting Greenday in a blog about emotional disclosure. ::Sigh::

Alright, on that note i should go to sleep and leave all the best unsaid, and all that's meant unheard.

"And in that sleep, what dreams may come?" So sure it's a different sleep, but hey, people still say "wherefor art thou?" when their asking for directions. Dishwater Entropy my man, and curdled goat's milk.



PS: Catch ya on the flip-side, baby.
PPS: God that felt good to say ;-)

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