Monday, May 24, 2004


I hadn't talked to the Shelmeister in a long time. Not like this anyways, just rambling on in a quasi-philosophical manner which would normally imply some higher intelligence, but in my case is just a good faker ;-) I think... anyways I doubt that many that attend class with me would really agree - i sometimes think they look at me as though i was some freeloader who just got here by chance and would (or should) never be taken seriously.

It's funny how the eyes of the few become the thoughts of the many, eh?

I'm sure that my honest opinion of the matter is slightly skewed as a result of years of insecurity and insufficiency complexes, but the fact is that i can't help but feel much like a few of the people i know: Lost, confused, hopeless, and helpless. Feeling like there must be something else out there that just barely escapes my attention whenever i search for it, like a mosquito that buzzes in your ear loudly enough that you're convinced if you smack your ear it'll perish in the pressurized bubble of the air between your hand and ear canal, only to find that the mosquito has survived and your ear is currently doing some ringing of its own.

My most recent ramble in The Hollander touched briefly (or not, you'll have to read to find out) on a theme which has ensnared me for quite some time ... the idea that i can almost see the thin film separating me from where i should be. Have you ever felt like that? Like you may one day awake to find another face where your farce used to be? I don't think i'm fake - far from it. I think i'm too honest about my emotions, and that they change so often, and for such seemingly small reasons, that it is often easy to misinterpret them as being fake, or trying to please.

You try too hard.

I stopped knowing what anyone could possibly mean by that phrase a long time ago. I used to think that it was a clear indicator of my failed or failing attempts at climbing some social ladder which would make up for the lost relationships of my childhood. Now i find that i can only laugh at such a suggestion. Of course i want people to like me! I'm human after all! But the fact is that this "social butterfly" attitude or supposed desire is actually quite simply my own rendition of the "golden rule" of almost every major religion.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Do not do unto others as you would not have them do to you.

Pick and choose, it's the same answer either way. I want to treat others like i want to be treated. I think my biggest problem is realizing that the Confucian (2nd) definition perhaps holds more validity in certain situations. I believe in proactivity, that cannot be denied. I'm loudmouthed to a fault in my constant desire to be heard or believed or accredited. I think maybe the only thing that i have to work on is realizing that sometimes, NOT doing can be almost as effective if not more efficient at reaching goals of perception, giving, and living, as doing like a madman.

Fact is that whatever the methodology, i want what everyone else wants: happiness. I think perhaps my proudest trait is wanting happiness for everyone else. Problem is, you can never know what will make someone else happy - how can you make them smile at the intention if it has been lost in the ill-performed action?

::sigh:: The middle ground always sounds so easy because you automatically focus on the hard parts - anger, jealousy, greed... truth is that the hardest parts are the ones we think are the easiest - love, hope, happiness. Anything to an extreme is as unhealthy as its extreme opposite, right?

Wow. Enough of this for the night. I'm gonna go to sleep and forfeit my philosophical reasoning for now... anything in excess, right?

Goodnight, sleep tight, kick them bedbugs, and catch me on the flip side - i'd offer to catch you there, but considering the lack of sleep this week, that may be a bad idea.


PS: Seriously, KTBB!!!

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