Just an update on life:
Muse is a cool band
I'm officially back up to 2 pitchers before inebriation
I graduate on the 10th of December
My cat is awesome
I'm going to DC and NY from the 3rd to the 6th or so (of November)
Supply Chain Management is the coolest thing in the world
My cat's pissed because i haven't fed him yet
Fable is a cool game
Um. I think that about does it. I've decided not to get personal on any more of these, so the only things i'll be typing in here are mildly superficial, sometimes thoughtless, void-of-any-mental-meat posts. Why you may ask? I'd tell you, but it'd be personal ;-)
Seriously, i'm gonna try to start updating this on a regular basis again, so drop back later!
.Christian
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Thursday, September 9, 2004
Weirdo
That's me. I just had this brilliant idea of telling Zach Braff (the writer/director/actor) of Garden State how grateful i was for his movie and how wonderful it was and how it really left a mark on me. Know what i friggin wrote instead? "Thanks for the breadcrumbs." I guess maybe that sums it up though... Garden State made me feel like where i want to be is real, or at least reminded me that the thought is worth it. It's funny, at the beginning of the summer my roomate and i got some kids' books to help us get used to spanish... start small, yknow? anyways, the book she bought was hansel and gretel... you know where i'm going with this, and if you don't, read the blog underneath this one. I know. I'm a wierdo. ;-)
FTBC, KTBB, etc :-)
.Christian
FTBC, KTBB, etc :-)
.Christian
Breadcrumbs here, breadcrumbs there, breadcrumbs breadcrumbs everywhere.
What do you say about a movie that changes your life again for the first time? I don't know, because I just saw "Hero," and lemme tell you, it didn't. It's not that it's a bad movie mind you ... it is, in fact, a fairly decent, interesting, admirable film, with incredible cinematography and interesting plot development and progression. But it's no Garden State.
Let's shift focus shall we? Garden State. That's a good focal point. If any of you haven't yet had the great and resounding pleasure of experiencing this movie (yes i said "experiencing" for a reason) you are really missing out. It really touched me, especially having watched it so soon after "Eternal Sunshine..." Everything about these two movies ... well ... just watch them, OK? If you don't like 'em, fine. If you don't understand 'em, coo. If you experience a flutter of recognition in your heart and mind, you and i are talkin the same language.
You may be wondering about the seemingly random idea that i've focused on lately. As you recall, i've mentioned my belief that everything happens for a reason, yes? Let me elaborate: Too often, people seem to say that things happen for a reason as a kind of excuse, or an explanation to help ease the truth. I think that it should be looked at in a different way... in a deductive kind of way. In "I, Robot" (which in spanish is "Yo, Robot" ... i just think that's funny ... maybe i should have painted an "!" at the end of it on the posters...) the main character thinks that the robot super-genius, or "creator", has been leaving clues around to help him solve his murder. These clues, or breadcrumbs, end up leading the character, and the audience, on a fairly wild and twisting path. (with LOTS of CGI)
I guess that's my point. Breadcrumbs. I'm sure that a person could drive themselves mad thinking about this, like Macbeth and the Wierd Sisters times twenty, but i like to think that it serves as a kind of reminder that we may control our own destiny, but it's only as blindly as we want. I think it's interesting that in a time where i feel that i have to re-evaluate a lot of things in my life, there seem to be things which are reminding me of what i value and what i desire most. ... of course anyone who's seen "Pi" (or anyone with half a brain) would also remind you that if you start looking for something everywhere, you'll start finding it. But then someone could retort 'isn't that, in itself, a sign?' The conversation circles and loops to the same places with little or no educational or inspirational value... hilarity ensues.
I think if you start thinking of it all as a puzzle, you eventually start to feel like you can solve it ... more importantly you feel like maybe it's all worth something.
So the moral of the story is this: Watch Garden State. It's brilliant. Really.
FTBC (Follow Those Bread Crumbs)
KTBB
and finally...
"Catch ya on the flip side, baby."
.Christian
Let's shift focus shall we? Garden State. That's a good focal point. If any of you haven't yet had the great and resounding pleasure of experiencing this movie (yes i said "experiencing" for a reason) you are really missing out. It really touched me, especially having watched it so soon after "Eternal Sunshine..." Everything about these two movies ... well ... just watch them, OK? If you don't like 'em, fine. If you don't understand 'em, coo. If you experience a flutter of recognition in your heart and mind, you and i are talkin the same language.
You may be wondering about the seemingly random idea that i've focused on lately. As you recall, i've mentioned my belief that everything happens for a reason, yes? Let me elaborate: Too often, people seem to say that things happen for a reason as a kind of excuse, or an explanation to help ease the truth. I think that it should be looked at in a different way... in a deductive kind of way. In "I, Robot" (which in spanish is "Yo, Robot" ... i just think that's funny ... maybe i should have painted an "!" at the end of it on the posters...) the main character thinks that the robot super-genius, or "creator", has been leaving clues around to help him solve his murder. These clues, or breadcrumbs, end up leading the character, and the audience, on a fairly wild and twisting path. (with LOTS of CGI)
I guess that's my point. Breadcrumbs. I'm sure that a person could drive themselves mad thinking about this, like Macbeth and the Wierd Sisters times twenty, but i like to think that it serves as a kind of reminder that we may control our own destiny, but it's only as blindly as we want. I think it's interesting that in a time where i feel that i have to re-evaluate a lot of things in my life, there seem to be things which are reminding me of what i value and what i desire most. ... of course anyone who's seen "Pi" (or anyone with half a brain) would also remind you that if you start looking for something everywhere, you'll start finding it. But then someone could retort 'isn't that, in itself, a sign?' The conversation circles and loops to the same places with little or no educational or inspirational value... hilarity ensues.
I think if you start thinking of it all as a puzzle, you eventually start to feel like you can solve it ... more importantly you feel like maybe it's all worth something.
So the moral of the story is this: Watch Garden State. It's brilliant. Really.
FTBC (Follow Those Bread Crumbs)
KTBB
and finally...
"Catch ya on the flip side, baby."
.Christian
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Monday, August 23, 2004
Guess where i am?
It´s a city called Creel, somewhere outside of the Barranca de Cobre. (copper canyon for those not in the know ... btw, just ask dr know, there´s nothing he doesn´t!)
Anyways, we´ve been driving for a while now and we´ve seen a lot of cool things that i hadn´t really thought i would see during my mexico trip. I´ll try to post a link to pictures, etc. :-) NEways, just wanted to give y´all a heads up... but i´m typing in the lobby of a hotel where we decided to have a few beers ... ok, it´s a best western ... dammit. Anyways, i can´t really type a huge thing because this is technically a "guests only" thing, and this fucking keyboard is driving me in-fucking sane because all the keys are in different places ... not the letters mind you, but everything else, and that´s REALLY bugging me.
OK. Well. Lata.
.Christian
PS: We´re staying at the ¨Paraiso del Bosque" hotel, thus the issues with "guests only." ... thought i´d solve that mystery for ya ;-)
PPS: be back in the states starting wednesday... till then, kick them bedbugs for me - rather WITH me, cause they´ve been teamin up on us. Catch ya on the flip side, baby.
Anyways, we´ve been driving for a while now and we´ve seen a lot of cool things that i hadn´t really thought i would see during my mexico trip. I´ll try to post a link to pictures, etc. :-) NEways, just wanted to give y´all a heads up... but i´m typing in the lobby of a hotel where we decided to have a few beers ... ok, it´s a best western ... dammit. Anyways, i can´t really type a huge thing because this is technically a "guests only" thing, and this fucking keyboard is driving me in-fucking sane because all the keys are in different places ... not the letters mind you, but everything else, and that´s REALLY bugging me.
OK. Well. Lata.
.Christian
PS: We´re staying at the ¨Paraiso del Bosque" hotel, thus the issues with "guests only." ... thought i´d solve that mystery for ya ;-)
PPS: be back in the states starting wednesday... till then, kick them bedbugs for me - rather WITH me, cause they´ve been teamin up on us. Catch ya on the flip side, baby.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Do you think?
Is it dreams that sometimes visit upon life? Or life that sometimes visits upon dreams?
.Christian
.Christian
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Random
I guess this is getting really freaky with the 3 days in a row thing, but i was thinking about some random stuff today and it set those good ole wheels rolling. Between then and now i have played Tony Hawk (to beat the extra stuff and get all the fun toys) and taken a take-home test. Which was actually harder than the test i took today. ... 3 pages. 35 questions. i can't believe that class cost 3grand.
I was thinking about the 4th grade of all things. Can you believe that? How often do you start going through your head about one year of your life. And actually, i can't remember at all thinking about the whole year... rather it was just one day and a general feeling. That one day was the first time i fell in love. Cheesy, huh? Not something i'd usually share, but hey, you'll never meet her and i'll never see her again. Hell, i can't even tell if it was a dream or not.
There was this kinda park thing that my school did to celebrate the end of the year. My mom was one of the chaperones i think... i dunno. All i know is that this girl and i started talking and walked together... i think we may even have paddleboated... that's romance ;-) Anyways, the fact that i was (and am i think) a hopeless romantic isn't why i brought the topic up. The reason i brought it up was that i never saw her again... at least i think. See, as a kid, i had such a short, almost non-existent memory, that i couldn't remember anything about this girl by the start of the next week. Face, name, anything. I thought it might be Brooke or something, and i'm pretty sure she was maybe a redhead, but other than that, i remember as much now as i remembered then.
What does this all have to do with anything? Simply that that memory followed me until i reached around my senior year of highschool. I don't know if i've accurately depicted just what this memory of mine entailed... my entire life up until senior year of highschool, as far as i can recall, was a dream. How fucked up is that? I feel like i have no goddamn history because everything to a point, with very few exceptions, seems entirely made up one night in bed! And i'm not talking about the typical "been so long ago it seems like a dream" thing, i mean it quite literally. Anyways, i started thinking about why my memory would be like that. Why was it that when i came back from Brazil, i couldn't at all remember the kid that i'd played with before i left? Sure i was young, we're talking forgetting first grade by the end of third, but still, it's a little messed up, yknow? I mean, put it this way, i remember one time in second or third grade when i got on the schoolbus and ended up talking to someone that was reading "hitchiker's guide" and let me borrow it. You know what the problem was? I didn't remember that person almost the moment i stepped off the bus. I remembered i had the book, and that i'd borrowed it from someone, but i had no idea who! When the guy asked me for it i had that glazed "who are you?" look. I went home, got the book, and returned it to him the next day because by chance he saw me and reminded me again.
I don't know what to say - i have a huge thing that i wanted to talk about but Marianna and Henry and Matt just walked through the door...
We'll keep this brief i guess: the point of what i was coming to is that the one thing i remember about my whole life is how much time i have wasted doing nothing or playing video games. If i had spent one hour of that time doing something else, something productive, i could have accomplished so much by now! But the most disturbing thing is that i don't feel like if i had known that it would have made a difference. Not because i would have been too lazy to change (though that would most certainly have been a factor) but because i feel as if i have gotten to the point where i am today as a result of my past, which is starting to seem so much like a fantasy that i have trouble defining just where i am in the first place! If we are defined by our environment and history, then what happens if we find ourselves without either? Granted such a discovery would eventually mean molding from that point forward, but what if no molding occured? What if all that was left was an unshaped mass? an uncarved block of wood. I know i didn't come up with that one, that's part of Taoist dogma... what is it though that drove that thought? Maybe it's the same inspiration... maybe everyone has these kinds of thoughts at one point or another and some create a belief system out of it.
The big difference is that in Taoist belief the idea is to become that uncarved wood. To become one with your nature, surroundings, existence, and the world ... but not in the same sense (or with the same finality) as death and samsara in Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, and pretty much every other world religion. The idea is that you're still alive, but you are no longer ... a mask ... you are no longer wearing a mask. Wouldn't that feel good?
"I am an opera singer" - Cake
We all wear them, so maybe we all need/want to be liberated from them... maybe the idea of becoming an unmolded being is attractive to everyone on some level. Who knows. I just keep thinking about what my life would be like if i had just ... payed more attention. Would i have spoken up about my opinions in terms of where to move or if we should at all? Would i have been able to stop dad from drinking? Would i have gotten better grades? not kicked out of Kent? Would i even have been anywhere near the situation where i find myself currently? I mean you really have to wonder if something as seemingly insignificant, which everyone takes for granted ... if something like your memory or attention span would have made any difference, maybe even all the difference in the world ...
I wonder sometimes if what i feel like i'm holding out for is an idea of who i am and where i want to be ... and if ultimately that's what's missing from my past .... the memory of me. ... Maybe the biggest problem of all is that i can't remember my dreams - and so i've dreamt up my life. Fuck. That's a little too deep for 8:30 on a wednesday after all those finals.
Shit. I just realized what i typed last night. "All we see or seem..."
Huh. At the time it was a kind of abstract reference that didn't totally fit the analogy ... now i wonder if maybe i'm my own dejavu. ... I guess that's a whole nother question in and of itself.
KTBB
.Christian
I was thinking about the 4th grade of all things. Can you believe that? How often do you start going through your head about one year of your life. And actually, i can't remember at all thinking about the whole year... rather it was just one day and a general feeling. That one day was the first time i fell in love. Cheesy, huh? Not something i'd usually share, but hey, you'll never meet her and i'll never see her again. Hell, i can't even tell if it was a dream or not.
There was this kinda park thing that my school did to celebrate the end of the year. My mom was one of the chaperones i think... i dunno. All i know is that this girl and i started talking and walked together... i think we may even have paddleboated... that's romance ;-) Anyways, the fact that i was (and am i think) a hopeless romantic isn't why i brought the topic up. The reason i brought it up was that i never saw her again... at least i think. See, as a kid, i had such a short, almost non-existent memory, that i couldn't remember anything about this girl by the start of the next week. Face, name, anything. I thought it might be Brooke or something, and i'm pretty sure she was maybe a redhead, but other than that, i remember as much now as i remembered then.
What does this all have to do with anything? Simply that that memory followed me until i reached around my senior year of highschool. I don't know if i've accurately depicted just what this memory of mine entailed... my entire life up until senior year of highschool, as far as i can recall, was a dream. How fucked up is that? I feel like i have no goddamn history because everything to a point, with very few exceptions, seems entirely made up one night in bed! And i'm not talking about the typical "been so long ago it seems like a dream" thing, i mean it quite literally. Anyways, i started thinking about why my memory would be like that. Why was it that when i came back from Brazil, i couldn't at all remember the kid that i'd played with before i left? Sure i was young, we're talking forgetting first grade by the end of third, but still, it's a little messed up, yknow? I mean, put it this way, i remember one time in second or third grade when i got on the schoolbus and ended up talking to someone that was reading "hitchiker's guide" and let me borrow it. You know what the problem was? I didn't remember that person almost the moment i stepped off the bus. I remembered i had the book, and that i'd borrowed it from someone, but i had no idea who! When the guy asked me for it i had that glazed "who are you?" look. I went home, got the book, and returned it to him the next day because by chance he saw me and reminded me again.
I don't know what to say - i have a huge thing that i wanted to talk about but Marianna and Henry and Matt just walked through the door...
We'll keep this brief i guess: the point of what i was coming to is that the one thing i remember about my whole life is how much time i have wasted doing nothing or playing video games. If i had spent one hour of that time doing something else, something productive, i could have accomplished so much by now! But the most disturbing thing is that i don't feel like if i had known that it would have made a difference. Not because i would have been too lazy to change (though that would most certainly have been a factor) but because i feel as if i have gotten to the point where i am today as a result of my past, which is starting to seem so much like a fantasy that i have trouble defining just where i am in the first place! If we are defined by our environment and history, then what happens if we find ourselves without either? Granted such a discovery would eventually mean molding from that point forward, but what if no molding occured? What if all that was left was an unshaped mass? an uncarved block of wood. I know i didn't come up with that one, that's part of Taoist dogma... what is it though that drove that thought? Maybe it's the same inspiration... maybe everyone has these kinds of thoughts at one point or another and some create a belief system out of it.
The big difference is that in Taoist belief the idea is to become that uncarved wood. To become one with your nature, surroundings, existence, and the world ... but not in the same sense (or with the same finality) as death and samsara in Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, and pretty much every other world religion. The idea is that you're still alive, but you are no longer ... a mask ... you are no longer wearing a mask. Wouldn't that feel good?
"I am an opera singer" - Cake
We all wear them, so maybe we all need/want to be liberated from them... maybe the idea of becoming an unmolded being is attractive to everyone on some level. Who knows. I just keep thinking about what my life would be like if i had just ... payed more attention. Would i have spoken up about my opinions in terms of where to move or if we should at all? Would i have been able to stop dad from drinking? Would i have gotten better grades? not kicked out of Kent? Would i even have been anywhere near the situation where i find myself currently? I mean you really have to wonder if something as seemingly insignificant, which everyone takes for granted ... if something like your memory or attention span would have made any difference, maybe even all the difference in the world ...
I wonder sometimes if what i feel like i'm holding out for is an idea of who i am and where i want to be ... and if ultimately that's what's missing from my past .... the memory of me. ... Maybe the biggest problem of all is that i can't remember my dreams - and so i've dreamt up my life. Fuck. That's a little too deep for 8:30 on a wednesday after all those finals.
Shit. I just realized what i typed last night. "All we see or seem..."
Huh. At the time it was a kind of abstract reference that didn't totally fit the analogy ... now i wonder if maybe i'm my own dejavu. ... I guess that's a whole nother question in and of itself.
KTBB
.Christian
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
So
Two in a row. Wow... i guess that's pretty impressive ;-) I was actually just kinda killing time because i'm not really tired and i just beat tony hawk underground... i suppose i might try studying for the test that i have tomorrow, but we are allowed to bring in whatever notes we want, and so i am bringing a very convenient sheet with some very convenient definitions.
Man, what a blowoff class. I totally thought that this was going to be the one that was really gonna suck me in and help me figure out what i want to do with my life ... turns out that the class that helped me in that area was (dun dun dun) ACCOUNTING of all things! I can't really explain it other than to say that today during the exam, i didn't so much feel as if i were taking a test as playing some new kind of mentally challenging game that i actually understand. Mind you, that's not to say that it was easy, but it was most definitely enjoyable to a certain degree. Heck, i took my time to the extent that i went into "overtime" this time instead of finishing in my usual 1 hr or less timeframe.
::Sigh:: Project Management? Ops Management? Accounting? Marketing? Religious Studies? Who the fuck knows, huh? I mean really though, almost all of those tie in except for the one very obvious deviation. But who knows anyways? As Dennis Leary once postulated: You could be standing on a street corner in NYC when all of a sudden "yipYipYIpYIPYIP!!!" someone's pet poodle plummets straight down from the 32nd floor of their apartment STRAIGHT onto your head. You are therefore known as Bob, the Poodle Guy. "Yeah, I knew Bob, he hated fucking dogs!"
Life is a series of curve balls, and if you keep swingin at every one, you'll be too tired or struck out to hit the straight, slow pitch that comes right down the middle. (refraining from "balls" jokes and metaphors)
I beat Tony Haw... hmmm ... i think i told you that already. Lemme .. yep ... yeah there is is, line two or so... "just beat Tony Hawk Underground" ... ::sigh:: an old Robin Williams skit comes to mind. I'm starting to feel a little under the weather. Not sure why of course, just know how i feel is all. I guess the big thing is that i don't feel like i have a good enough idea of what i would do if fate came to me, skipped knocking on the door, and just said "Hey yo," (fate's cool like that) "what's it gonna be, Willis?" (fate also apparently watched Different Strokes ... or causes them! Hah hah hah ha ha he heh ... heh heh ... right)
What would you do? Everything you know and feel is challenged to the utmost degree in one moment. Everything that you are, were, and will be hangs in the balance between the two unknown paths which must forever be decided in one moment in time. One moment. You know, in Japanese Buddhism (it's perhaps unfair to leave it at Japanese, but for the most part this is where this particular belief exists) there is a Buddha... Amitaba? Something like that ... this Buddha resides in the "West", or "West World" (no friggin 'best of the west' illusions here folks, this is an 'unreal' place, as in not this plane of existence) which he has created to help human beings who are worthy attain enlightenment. How do you get there? How do you contact this wonderful Buddha? Pray, or recite his name, for 5 moments ... i think. That or 3. Short amount of time, right? Who knows... that's the problem: a moment is, or can be, defined as anything from a quadrillionth of a second to a million years. A moment is, strangely/conveniently/whateverly, undefined.
Do you know what a kulpa is? I think that's how you spell it... A kulpa, as I understand it, is a long time. A very long time. It is the amount of time which it would take you to wear down a mountain with a silk scarf. ... Assuming that A you didn't die first, B the scarf lasted that long, and C there were no save-the-mountain activists impeding your progress.
What if it's a kulpa? What if a moment is a kulpa? What if everything that is, was, and will be in your life and the world around you was challenged and changed over the span of relative eternity?
What if it was, instead, done in a 'quadrillionth of a second?'
I've often wondered about the relative constituency of the universe in terms of 'elements.' Not just physical or material elements mind you, but spacial and temporal as well. There are several theories which have come to my attention of late and intrigue me to no end. (or to a kulpa ... yay sat words)
Fuzzy Logic) There's a lot to this, but the part i find interesting is the theory of how the "fuzzy" composition of matter and reality causes the relative inexistence of any defined forms beyond electrical charges and densities of unnamed, ununderstood (there's a fun word) matter. Essentially, what i find interesting, is the idea that if you were to stop everything right now and leave it for, let's say ... heck, why not? a KULPA ... then eventually everything would become one and the same. This isn't really the interesting part... assume the constancy of a specific applied force, most easily assumed gravity. Two objects under different relative strains from a constant force, when placed in opposition of each other to the degree wherein one impedes the others progress, will eventually pass through each other. Put simply: if you put a bottle cap on a wooden table and leave it there for 'the longest time' the bottle cap will eventually pass through the other - or will at least seem that way. What actually happens is since nothing exists without forces which are not controlled by "nature" as we know it, the bottle cap and the table actually swap energy and 'matter' to the point where the 'matter' is no longer being 'inspired' by the force(s) of gravity.
... simply put: gravity, bottlecap, table, relative non-existence of matter-based reality.
String Theory) The world as we know it is more connected than we could ever understand through a series of 'strings' of spacial and temporal energies and realities than we as spacially and temporally limited beings could ever understand. Imagine each of your fingers as a person. Imagine a cat's cradle in your hand. Pull back a little and you see your other hand, also with a cat's cradle. pull out further and you see four other pairs of hands with cat's cradles. Look again and each of those hands is a finger on a pair of hands with a cat's cradle. Try to imagine this multiplication to the number of humans on this earth, then imagine the fingers as electrons instead of humans, and take that to the number of electrons on the planet. Now take all of that, and imagine it is the composition of a grain of sand or dirt. Apply the cat's cradle to everything in the universe and what you may find interesting is that when you take away everything else that makes your mental vision crowded and confused, it is all ultimately just a bunch of string which goes between and links everything in a cat's cradle you made in your hand. That's a pretty bastardized version of the basic concept, and i don't think i even explained it right, or even know it for that matter... but there you are.
Layer/Path Theory) Imagine a stack of pancakes. Imagine they're frozen, and you flip them on their side so that they are vertical. Each one of those pancakes is a moment in time. (we've already discussed 'moments') Now take a knife and cut the stack straight down the middle. For each moment in time, you have, at the very least, a binary decision. Yes/No, On/Off, etc. these are binary decisions. Example: you can have a salad or a sandwich for lunch. Easy, right? Good. Now, you choose the salad - caesar or house? Take the knife, and cut the pancake halves in half. Eat now or take home? Cut them in quarters. Drive fast or slow? Eighths. Depress gas quickly? 16ths. All the way? 32nds. Infinity. Each moment in time has an infinite amount of choices associated with it, to the point that the pancakes must be infinitely large, and in infinite number. (taking into account our definition of a moment as being infinite, or, in this case, 'instant') It is at this point that it becomes a little easier to see this all as infinite layers divided into infinite paths. But why does each "instant" have infinited choices associated with it? If you had chosen to eat there, you never would have had to decide about the gas peddle, would you? But you would have been in the same pancake, just on a different part of it ;-) Have you ever seen a slice-by-slice disection of the human brain? I think the first one was made from the donated brain of a convict ... but i digress. The point is that if you applied this analogy to this slice-by-slice you would notice that ultimately each slice was like a pancake. What's interesting to note is the shape which is created ... ultimately, no matter how you slice it (forgive the pun) the shape is always the same. What was that old qoute? Is all we see or seem just a dream within a dream ... something like that. What if choice and its repercussions exist, but will always shape us in the same manner regardless of the path we choose?
I guess the real question here is this: "Where are you going, where have you been?" - DMB
"I woke up and I drove to work on the wrong side of the road." - Ben Folds
"When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings." - Sting
"I'm just a curb-side prophet with my hand in my pocket and I'm waiting for my rocket to come." - Jason Mraz
"There is no place I can run, there is no place I can hide." - Nine Inch Nails
"Time is on my side." - Rolling Stones
"Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me. Whenever I let my guard down, whatever I was ignoring." - Toad
"KTBB" - Me
.Christian
Man, what a blowoff class. I totally thought that this was going to be the one that was really gonna suck me in and help me figure out what i want to do with my life ... turns out that the class that helped me in that area was (dun dun dun) ACCOUNTING of all things! I can't really explain it other than to say that today during the exam, i didn't so much feel as if i were taking a test as playing some new kind of mentally challenging game that i actually understand. Mind you, that's not to say that it was easy, but it was most definitely enjoyable to a certain degree. Heck, i took my time to the extent that i went into "overtime" this time instead of finishing in my usual 1 hr or less timeframe.
::Sigh:: Project Management? Ops Management? Accounting? Marketing? Religious Studies? Who the fuck knows, huh? I mean really though, almost all of those tie in except for the one very obvious deviation. But who knows anyways? As Dennis Leary once postulated: You could be standing on a street corner in NYC when all of a sudden "yipYipYIpYIPYIP!!!" someone's pet poodle plummets straight down from the 32nd floor of their apartment STRAIGHT onto your head. You are therefore known as Bob, the Poodle Guy. "Yeah, I knew Bob, he hated fucking dogs!"
Life is a series of curve balls, and if you keep swingin at every one, you'll be too tired or struck out to hit the straight, slow pitch that comes right down the middle. (refraining from "balls" jokes and metaphors)
I beat Tony Haw... hmmm ... i think i told you that already. Lemme .. yep ... yeah there is is, line two or so... "just beat Tony Hawk Underground" ... ::sigh:: an old Robin Williams skit comes to mind. I'm starting to feel a little under the weather. Not sure why of course, just know how i feel is all. I guess the big thing is that i don't feel like i have a good enough idea of what i would do if fate came to me, skipped knocking on the door, and just said "Hey yo," (fate's cool like that) "what's it gonna be, Willis?" (fate also apparently watched Different Strokes ... or causes them! Hah hah hah ha ha he heh ... heh heh ... right)
What would you do? Everything you know and feel is challenged to the utmost degree in one moment. Everything that you are, were, and will be hangs in the balance between the two unknown paths which must forever be decided in one moment in time. One moment. You know, in Japanese Buddhism (it's perhaps unfair to leave it at Japanese, but for the most part this is where this particular belief exists) there is a Buddha... Amitaba? Something like that ... this Buddha resides in the "West", or "West World" (no friggin 'best of the west' illusions here folks, this is an 'unreal' place, as in not this plane of existence) which he has created to help human beings who are worthy attain enlightenment. How do you get there? How do you contact this wonderful Buddha? Pray, or recite his name, for 5 moments ... i think. That or 3. Short amount of time, right? Who knows... that's the problem: a moment is, or can be, defined as anything from a quadrillionth of a second to a million years. A moment is, strangely/conveniently/whateverly, undefined.
Do you know what a kulpa is? I think that's how you spell it... A kulpa, as I understand it, is a long time. A very long time. It is the amount of time which it would take you to wear down a mountain with a silk scarf. ... Assuming that A you didn't die first, B the scarf lasted that long, and C there were no save-the-mountain activists impeding your progress.
What if it's a kulpa? What if a moment is a kulpa? What if everything that is, was, and will be in your life and the world around you was challenged and changed over the span of relative eternity?
What if it was, instead, done in a 'quadrillionth of a second?'
I've often wondered about the relative constituency of the universe in terms of 'elements.' Not just physical or material elements mind you, but spacial and temporal as well. There are several theories which have come to my attention of late and intrigue me to no end. (or to a kulpa ... yay sat words)
Fuzzy Logic) There's a lot to this, but the part i find interesting is the theory of how the "fuzzy" composition of matter and reality causes the relative inexistence of any defined forms beyond electrical charges and densities of unnamed, ununderstood (there's a fun word) matter. Essentially, what i find interesting, is the idea that if you were to stop everything right now and leave it for, let's say ... heck, why not? a KULPA ... then eventually everything would become one and the same. This isn't really the interesting part... assume the constancy of a specific applied force, most easily assumed gravity. Two objects under different relative strains from a constant force, when placed in opposition of each other to the degree wherein one impedes the others progress, will eventually pass through each other. Put simply: if you put a bottle cap on a wooden table and leave it there for 'the longest time' the bottle cap will eventually pass through the other - or will at least seem that way. What actually happens is since nothing exists without forces which are not controlled by "nature" as we know it, the bottle cap and the table actually swap energy and 'matter' to the point where the 'matter' is no longer being 'inspired' by the force(s) of gravity.
... simply put: gravity, bottlecap, table, relative non-existence of matter-based reality.
String Theory) The world as we know it is more connected than we could ever understand through a series of 'strings' of spacial and temporal energies and realities than we as spacially and temporally limited beings could ever understand. Imagine each of your fingers as a person. Imagine a cat's cradle in your hand. Pull back a little and you see your other hand, also with a cat's cradle. pull out further and you see four other pairs of hands with cat's cradles. Look again and each of those hands is a finger on a pair of hands with a cat's cradle. Try to imagine this multiplication to the number of humans on this earth, then imagine the fingers as electrons instead of humans, and take that to the number of electrons on the planet. Now take all of that, and imagine it is the composition of a grain of sand or dirt. Apply the cat's cradle to everything in the universe and what you may find interesting is that when you take away everything else that makes your mental vision crowded and confused, it is all ultimately just a bunch of string which goes between and links everything in a cat's cradle you made in your hand. That's a pretty bastardized version of the basic concept, and i don't think i even explained it right, or even know it for that matter... but there you are.
Layer/Path Theory) Imagine a stack of pancakes. Imagine they're frozen, and you flip them on their side so that they are vertical. Each one of those pancakes is a moment in time. (we've already discussed 'moments') Now take a knife and cut the stack straight down the middle. For each moment in time, you have, at the very least, a binary decision. Yes/No, On/Off, etc. these are binary decisions. Example: you can have a salad or a sandwich for lunch. Easy, right? Good. Now, you choose the salad - caesar or house? Take the knife, and cut the pancake halves in half. Eat now or take home? Cut them in quarters. Drive fast or slow? Eighths. Depress gas quickly? 16ths. All the way? 32nds. Infinity. Each moment in time has an infinite amount of choices associated with it, to the point that the pancakes must be infinitely large, and in infinite number. (taking into account our definition of a moment as being infinite, or, in this case, 'instant') It is at this point that it becomes a little easier to see this all as infinite layers divided into infinite paths. But why does each "instant" have infinited choices associated with it? If you had chosen to eat there, you never would have had to decide about the gas peddle, would you? But you would have been in the same pancake, just on a different part of it ;-) Have you ever seen a slice-by-slice disection of the human brain? I think the first one was made from the donated brain of a convict ... but i digress. The point is that if you applied this analogy to this slice-by-slice you would notice that ultimately each slice was like a pancake. What's interesting to note is the shape which is created ... ultimately, no matter how you slice it (forgive the pun) the shape is always the same. What was that old qoute? Is all we see or seem just a dream within a dream ... something like that. What if choice and its repercussions exist, but will always shape us in the same manner regardless of the path we choose?
I guess the real question here is this: "Where are you going, where have you been?" - DMB
"I woke up and I drove to work on the wrong side of the road." - Ben Folds
"When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings." - Sting
"I'm just a curb-side prophet with my hand in my pocket and I'm waiting for my rocket to come." - Jason Mraz
"There is no place I can run, there is no place I can hide." - Nine Inch Nails
"Time is on my side." - Rolling Stones
"Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me. Whenever I let my guard down, whatever I was ignoring." - Toad
"KTBB" - Me
.Christian
BTW
If ya wanna check out summa the stuff i've written for the T-Bird newspaper, go to http://www.dastoronline.com
.Christian
.Christian
Monday, August 16, 2004
The Bees Sneeze
I was checking out the infamous Penny Arcade tonight when i found a link that struck me for some reason. I can't explain why i thought it should be linked here, but hey, there it is, right up in your upper right corner. ... wow.
Finance test today. That sucked. It wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be - i'm even convinced that i probably pulled away with a solid B, but i'm always convinced of that ;-) Tomorrow is bound to be fun, though - accounting my friends, accounting. I don't know why human beings create such new and innovative ways to torture themselves and each other, but the gods of masochism must be smiling down upon Dr. Invented A. C. Counting right now. ::sigh::
Had one of those "what does the future hold" conversations tonight. Like that's what i'm thinking about right now - i've had all i want with Futures thank you. (and forwards, and options, and swaps) I really just want to see where life goes right now, yknow? It's too hard to predict anyways... anytime that you think you're standing under a lemon tree, next thing ya know you have to figure out how to sell "limenade". ... that might be good actually ... and i wonder what would have happened if i had been standing under a lime tree...... ... ... ... ok, that's enough thinking about that one. Seriously though, there's so much out there, and a whole world to explore and experience. I don't want to see everything or go everywhere, but it would be nice to feel like i could let life take me there if it wanted to. Ah, who am i kidding, that's always who i've been ... wherever i go, there i'll be... that kinda silliness.
I was actually thinking about that kind of thing as i was running along the other day (btw, almost back up to 5 miles a day) and i realized that there is not one single thing that i would ever change about where i am or how i got here. The only thing i even considered was if i could convince dad to stop drinking ... but if he had and things had been different i might never be here now, which is where i think i'm supposed to be.
You might recall that just a little while ago i posted something which seemed to contradict that. Something about not feeling like i was where i'm supposed to be? Well guess what? It wasn't contradictory at all! Think about it, if i was where i "was" supposed to be, then i wouldn't realize that i was supposed to be there, thereby causing an almost inescapable paradox wherein i would ultimately end up right where i am, thinking i should be somewhere else. It's actually a little bit like economic theory about progression through monetary systems. You might recall (or not, that's ok, i learned this less than 3 months ago) that the idea of socialism was that it was the ultimate result of the progress of an organized economic system through a series of reforms and stages, including capitalism. I liken the afore-mentioned paradoxical results to the doomed system of the USSR which was ultimately a victim of shortsighted longsightedness. They saw the future, but in trying to attain it, failed in a manner... however, it can be seen that there is likely to be a resurgence of this manner of thinking in the future, and that the nation which once failed in the process may be the leader in its resurgence. ... Basically, you learn from your mistakes.
I guess you can think of it in old MacBethian terms: if the witches had never said anything, would their prophecy still have come true? Is self-fulfilling prophecy a reality? If the prophet had told Neo that he was the One, would he have defeated Agent Smith? ... ok, i guess for that one we can at least still ask the authors on their opinions of the matter. ;-)
We are where we should be, to be anywhere else would be blasphemy.
Against whom, you ask? To each his own, i say. The only thing that i know for sure is that i've officially been typing for over 10 minutes after 1 am on the night before my Accounting final, and Dr. Counting would be very displeased. I guess y'all 'll just have to wait to hear the rest of the crap that's been running through my head ... if i remember, that is. After all, tomorrow IS another day, and you never know just what will come your way.
.Christian
PS: Fuck the bedbugs, kick those damn mosquitos, kick em with your friggin' foot.
PPS: Then catch me on the flipside, baby.
Finance test today. That sucked. It wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be - i'm even convinced that i probably pulled away with a solid B, but i'm always convinced of that ;-) Tomorrow is bound to be fun, though - accounting my friends, accounting. I don't know why human beings create such new and innovative ways to torture themselves and each other, but the gods of masochism must be smiling down upon Dr. Invented A. C. Counting right now. ::sigh::
Had one of those "what does the future hold" conversations tonight. Like that's what i'm thinking about right now - i've had all i want with Futures thank you. (and forwards, and options, and swaps) I really just want to see where life goes right now, yknow? It's too hard to predict anyways... anytime that you think you're standing under a lemon tree, next thing ya know you have to figure out how to sell "limenade". ... that might be good actually ... and i wonder what would have happened if i had been standing under a lime tree...... ... ... ... ok, that's enough thinking about that one. Seriously though, there's so much out there, and a whole world to explore and experience. I don't want to see everything or go everywhere, but it would be nice to feel like i could let life take me there if it wanted to. Ah, who am i kidding, that's always who i've been ... wherever i go, there i'll be... that kinda silliness.
I was actually thinking about that kind of thing as i was running along the other day (btw, almost back up to 5 miles a day) and i realized that there is not one single thing that i would ever change about where i am or how i got here. The only thing i even considered was if i could convince dad to stop drinking ... but if he had and things had been different i might never be here now, which is where i think i'm supposed to be.
You might recall that just a little while ago i posted something which seemed to contradict that. Something about not feeling like i was where i'm supposed to be? Well guess what? It wasn't contradictory at all! Think about it, if i was where i "was" supposed to be, then i wouldn't realize that i was supposed to be there, thereby causing an almost inescapable paradox wherein i would ultimately end up right where i am, thinking i should be somewhere else. It's actually a little bit like economic theory about progression through monetary systems. You might recall (or not, that's ok, i learned this less than 3 months ago) that the idea of socialism was that it was the ultimate result of the progress of an organized economic system through a series of reforms and stages, including capitalism. I liken the afore-mentioned paradoxical results to the doomed system of the USSR which was ultimately a victim of shortsighted longsightedness. They saw the future, but in trying to attain it, failed in a manner... however, it can be seen that there is likely to be a resurgence of this manner of thinking in the future, and that the nation which once failed in the process may be the leader in its resurgence. ... Basically, you learn from your mistakes.
I guess you can think of it in old MacBethian terms: if the witches had never said anything, would their prophecy still have come true? Is self-fulfilling prophecy a reality? If the prophet had told Neo that he was the One, would he have defeated Agent Smith? ... ok, i guess for that one we can at least still ask the authors on their opinions of the matter. ;-)
We are where we should be, to be anywhere else would be blasphemy.
Against whom, you ask? To each his own, i say. The only thing that i know for sure is that i've officially been typing for over 10 minutes after 1 am on the night before my Accounting final, and Dr. Counting would be very displeased. I guess y'all 'll just have to wait to hear the rest of the crap that's been running through my head ... if i remember, that is. After all, tomorrow IS another day, and you never know just what will come your way.
.Christian
PS: Fuck the bedbugs, kick those damn mosquitos, kick em with your friggin' foot.
PPS: Then catch me on the flipside, baby.
Tuesday, August 3, 2004
Futures and Forwards
Aren't just for economics anymore.
Happy Blog Birthday/Anniversary Thing. Crazy how time passes.
.Christian
PS: the official day is the 13th, thus the futures/forwards joke... yeah, i know...
Happy Blog Birthday/Anniversary Thing. Crazy how time passes.
.Christian
PS: the official day is the 13th, thus the futures/forwards joke... yeah, i know...
Funny
It seems like it's so easy to get really passionate about something so trivial and obscure as a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach, and then it's so easy to just let it go and start tugging again at the bear trap you stepped in as a child. This morning i was still hungover from watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", but now it seems like weeks since I saw it, and all the feelings of doubt, regret, hope, and sorrow have disappeared almost completely, leaving barely enough to write this blog about something that I can't even describe.
BTW, i filled out my profile. Joy.
I really have to wonder sometimes if i'm where i'm supposed to be... those of you who have actually been intrigued (or bored, whatever) enough to read this blog from the beginning will doubtless note that this is not the first time i have posited such a question, and it is doubtful that it will be the last. I really wish that i could somehow explain away the strange and convoluted feeling deep in my heart, but i really just can't, it's just a feeling. I can't even really discuss it further because as past experience has dictated, this is no longer the forum for that... i am once more relegated to pondering the impossible on my own or not at all.
Well, suffice it to say that not at all won't do.
NEways.
I'm feeling really good lately. Ever since i've been here in mexico i've been walking to school (bout a mile) every day, and recently we (a group of fellow students and I) have been running pretty frequently, to the point where i'm really starting to feel like my body actually may not lag behind my soul for much longer. It's a horrible you know? Feeling like you are in someone else's body, wearing someone else's skin. It's not just a looks thing, it kinda relates back to what i was sayin before, which we've already decided not to talk about on-line. I'm glad that things are feeling a little better though, it's nice to feel healthy :-)
I wonder how many people actually take the time to read this damn thing anymore... maybe it IS safe to talk about stuff again. I gotta say, i hadn't really expected to find out that it had proliferated so successfully throughout my friends and acquaintances, I almost feel like EdTV. Honestly, this was just supposed to be some "if people could read it, but i know they won't" kinda thing... then i put the address on my IM and it just kinda... blew. It was nice for a long time when it was a peek into my thoughts, but then it became a place to find answers, and a place where blame was cast. I guess it's hard to stop writing about your emotions, but i think i'll be transfering a lot of that off-line.
What is it about that voyeuristic glamour? You almost feel as though your words have more importance because people are reading them... like a rush. It makes you say things in the most honest and upfront way you know how, and then you find out, remember, whatever, that honesty is not always the best policy, and that people prefer the truth to a lie, but more importantly they prefer their version of the truth over anything. It's selective typing that kills you - telling people what's on the forefront and not letting them see the whole picture because you're too tired or strung out to finish writing everything that's on your mind - even if it would take all of eternity. But then i guess it goes both ways - reading what you want out of it and not reading the mind between the lines of text. What? You mean you can't guess at every thought in my mind from the few paltry words i haphazardly toss on these virtual pages of emotional release? Pish-posh.
"So close your eyes and kiss yourself goodbye, and think about the times we spent and what they meant." - Greenday
God that's always a bad sign, qouting Greenday in a blog about emotional disclosure. ::Sigh::
Alright, on that note i should go to sleep and leave all the best unsaid, and all that's meant unheard.
"And in that sleep, what dreams may come?" So sure it's a different sleep, but hey, people still say "wherefor art thou?" when their asking for directions. Dishwater Entropy my man, and curdled goat's milk.
KTBB
.Christian
PS: Catch ya on the flip-side, baby.
PPS: God that felt good to say ;-)
BTW, i filled out my profile. Joy.
I really have to wonder sometimes if i'm where i'm supposed to be... those of you who have actually been intrigued (or bored, whatever) enough to read this blog from the beginning will doubtless note that this is not the first time i have posited such a question, and it is doubtful that it will be the last. I really wish that i could somehow explain away the strange and convoluted feeling deep in my heart, but i really just can't, it's just a feeling. I can't even really discuss it further because as past experience has dictated, this is no longer the forum for that... i am once more relegated to pondering the impossible on my own or not at all.
Well, suffice it to say that not at all won't do.
NEways.
I'm feeling really good lately. Ever since i've been here in mexico i've been walking to school (bout a mile) every day, and recently we (a group of fellow students and I) have been running pretty frequently, to the point where i'm really starting to feel like my body actually may not lag behind my soul for much longer. It's a horrible you know? Feeling like you are in someone else's body, wearing someone else's skin. It's not just a looks thing, it kinda relates back to what i was sayin before, which we've already decided not to talk about on-line. I'm glad that things are feeling a little better though, it's nice to feel healthy :-)
I wonder how many people actually take the time to read this damn thing anymore... maybe it IS safe to talk about stuff again. I gotta say, i hadn't really expected to find out that it had proliferated so successfully throughout my friends and acquaintances, I almost feel like EdTV. Honestly, this was just supposed to be some "if people could read it, but i know they won't" kinda thing... then i put the address on my IM and it just kinda... blew. It was nice for a long time when it was a peek into my thoughts, but then it became a place to find answers, and a place where blame was cast. I guess it's hard to stop writing about your emotions, but i think i'll be transfering a lot of that off-line.
What is it about that voyeuristic glamour? You almost feel as though your words have more importance because people are reading them... like a rush. It makes you say things in the most honest and upfront way you know how, and then you find out, remember, whatever, that honesty is not always the best policy, and that people prefer the truth to a lie, but more importantly they prefer their version of the truth over anything. It's selective typing that kills you - telling people what's on the forefront and not letting them see the whole picture because you're too tired or strung out to finish writing everything that's on your mind - even if it would take all of eternity. But then i guess it goes both ways - reading what you want out of it and not reading the mind between the lines of text. What? You mean you can't guess at every thought in my mind from the few paltry words i haphazardly toss on these virtual pages of emotional release? Pish-posh.
"So close your eyes and kiss yourself goodbye, and think about the times we spent and what they meant." - Greenday
God that's always a bad sign, qouting Greenday in a blog about emotional disclosure. ::Sigh::
Alright, on that note i should go to sleep and leave all the best unsaid, and all that's meant unheard.
"And in that sleep, what dreams may come?" So sure it's a different sleep, but hey, people still say "wherefor art thou?" when their asking for directions. Dishwater Entropy my man, and curdled goat's milk.
KTBB
.Christian
PS: Catch ya on the flip-side, baby.
PPS: God that felt good to say ;-)
Monday, August 2, 2004
The Exchange Rate of Asparagus
You know, there is something that i'd never really noticed before which seems to be an almost inescapable truth: People never actually leave highschool - they just live the rest of their lives in a virtual classroom huddling together in their "cliques" with their "cool" friends and talking about people that they don't know, don't like, or don't care about behind their backs.
Oh wait, i'm sorry, they do talk about people they like and care about too... hmm, I guess they just like talking about everyone! Behind their back! What fucking fun!
Why am I peeved? Let me count the ways: 1) My group spends a shitload of time (and frustrating time at that) working on a project to present to class 2) Because everyone's pissed at one of my group members, they tear us to shreds 3) When anyone else presents, their all buddy-buddy with them if they like them, or totally silent if they don't. This fucking school is bullshit. My guess? The business world is just like the world i thought i'd graduated from: a bunch of immature, self-righteous, conceited asshole jocks and cheerleaders determined to stay on top of the popularity dogpile. What a bunch of dickwads. DICKWADS I say. I might as well use highschool terminology to describe these people.
The crazy thing that i've finally started to figure out is that this is just like Tisch all over again. Everyone looking out for number one while clinging to their "friends" who would more than likely turn on them if given a good reason, claiming "kill or be killed" as their reason and assuming that that's a valid fucking reason. I might as well have just shot myself coming here - at this point i'm just keeping my head down long enough to get the damn degree and get out of here.
Did you know that one of the presenters actually said "a damn" to describe that which contains water? What the fuck? These people probably didn't even work together, let alone put any serious efforts into their slides.
URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. WHAT THE FUCK?! I really hate this bullshit! I have no desire to be a part of this crap. And don't tell me that that's just the way of the world, and if i want to be in any type of business i'm going to have to deal with it, cause that's bullcrap. These people don't rule the fucking world, they're just responsible for making it seem like the shithole that they would turn it into if they did.
I just hate this. I'm so tired of dealing with all this self-serving "who's cool" bullshit that rules the minds of these assholes. I swear to God, man. Is it maybe because i want to be in the group and i'm upset that i'm not? (which would be the first question that i was thinking of if i were reading this) Actually no. The fact is that i got over that desire to be "cool" a long time ago, and i'll be damned if i go back. I just can't stand being around people like this, who talk about each other behind their backs and seem to scheme and plan their own success (implicitly over the dead bodies of others) at full steam ahead. I don't like it. Never have, never will.
I'm just done with this bullcrap. I'm going to graduate, get the fuck out, and never talk to these people again. Networking? Might as well be making friends with sharks. I'll make my friends and contacts elsewhere, thank you.
.Christian
Oh wait, i'm sorry, they do talk about people they like and care about too... hmm, I guess they just like talking about everyone! Behind their back! What fucking fun!
Why am I peeved? Let me count the ways: 1) My group spends a shitload of time (and frustrating time at that) working on a project to present to class 2) Because everyone's pissed at one of my group members, they tear us to shreds 3) When anyone else presents, their all buddy-buddy with them if they like them, or totally silent if they don't. This fucking school is bullshit. My guess? The business world is just like the world i thought i'd graduated from: a bunch of immature, self-righteous, conceited asshole jocks and cheerleaders determined to stay on top of the popularity dogpile. What a bunch of dickwads. DICKWADS I say. I might as well use highschool terminology to describe these people.
The crazy thing that i've finally started to figure out is that this is just like Tisch all over again. Everyone looking out for number one while clinging to their "friends" who would more than likely turn on them if given a good reason, claiming "kill or be killed" as their reason and assuming that that's a valid fucking reason. I might as well have just shot myself coming here - at this point i'm just keeping my head down long enough to get the damn degree and get out of here.
Did you know that one of the presenters actually said "a damn" to describe that which contains water? What the fuck? These people probably didn't even work together, let alone put any serious efforts into their slides.
URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. WHAT THE FUCK?! I really hate this bullshit! I have no desire to be a part of this crap. And don't tell me that that's just the way of the world, and if i want to be in any type of business i'm going to have to deal with it, cause that's bullcrap. These people don't rule the fucking world, they're just responsible for making it seem like the shithole that they would turn it into if they did.
I just hate this. I'm so tired of dealing with all this self-serving "who's cool" bullshit that rules the minds of these assholes. I swear to God, man. Is it maybe because i want to be in the group and i'm upset that i'm not? (which would be the first question that i was thinking of if i were reading this) Actually no. The fact is that i got over that desire to be "cool" a long time ago, and i'll be damned if i go back. I just can't stand being around people like this, who talk about each other behind their backs and seem to scheme and plan their own success (implicitly over the dead bodies of others) at full steam ahead. I don't like it. Never have, never will.
I'm just done with this bullcrap. I'm going to graduate, get the fuck out, and never talk to these people again. Networking? Might as well be making friends with sharks. I'll make my friends and contacts elsewhere, thank you.
.Christian
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
You're too down on yourself.
That's what someone told me not to long ago regarding this blog page. Since said person will likely never happen upon this page again, i feel it safe to say the following in response: If i wasn't down on myself, and wishing to express it, why the hell would i be writing this blog?? I mean really folks, who writes blogs or journals or whatever the fuck else because they want to keep people INFORMED?
I'll tell you what it's really for - and since you're the one who chose to read this you'll have to bear the circumstances like a real chihuahua. (real 'man' might be un-pc) The fact is that almost all the blogs out there are a forum for venting and approval. Venting because you want to get out whatever feelings you usually repress, and approval because deep down you want to know that you are justified in feeling the way you feel... that OTHERS would feel the same way given the same situation.
Fuckit. Take away the generalizations and the stereotypes - let's talk about me. I write this blog because i need to feel like i can say things i might not normally say. You know what the problem is with that? The people who read this are all people who know me, or want to get to know more about me... not people who know nothing and wish to know nothing more than what i write. How can you say what you feel that you normally hold in so as to not hurt anyone if those selfsame people are the only ones who are reading it?? So what's it safe to write about? School? Nope. Home? Nope. The asshole that pissed you off? Don't think so. The bitch who failed you? How bout no.
See? That's the perfect example. Bitch who failed me. Bet you're all wondering who it was, huh? Wondering if she really did it? Thinking "but wait, everyone was supposed to have passed" or maybe "He failed a class? Which one?" Noone is reading this saying "i have no fucking clue what's going on." That's a problem i think. I think i got caught up, started spreading the fucking link around, and forgot what that would probably do, or maybe even hoped that it would. Ever say something and wish someone would find out so they would know how you had felt that whole time? ... well me neither ...
Seriously though, why write this at all? It seems like the only reason to write a blog anymore is to try to convince myself that what i think and want should be important to more people than just me, and that's just a fallacy no matter how you look at it... y'know?
Sigh. I guess now that i've officially turned this blog into a public place, it's lost its meaning and worth - how can you blog when you know that you might as well say it out loud?
Anyways, i gotta get to sleep, catch some z's before my 3 hr 945 class tomorrow. Buenos Nachos? Si.
.Christian
PS: Kick those damn bedbugs for me.
I'll tell you what it's really for - and since you're the one who chose to read this you'll have to bear the circumstances like a real chihuahua. (real 'man' might be un-pc) The fact is that almost all the blogs out there are a forum for venting and approval. Venting because you want to get out whatever feelings you usually repress, and approval because deep down you want to know that you are justified in feeling the way you feel... that OTHERS would feel the same way given the same situation.
Fuckit. Take away the generalizations and the stereotypes - let's talk about me. I write this blog because i need to feel like i can say things i might not normally say. You know what the problem is with that? The people who read this are all people who know me, or want to get to know more about me... not people who know nothing and wish to know nothing more than what i write. How can you say what you feel that you normally hold in so as to not hurt anyone if those selfsame people are the only ones who are reading it?? So what's it safe to write about? School? Nope. Home? Nope. The asshole that pissed you off? Don't think so. The bitch who failed you? How bout no.
See? That's the perfect example. Bitch who failed me. Bet you're all wondering who it was, huh? Wondering if she really did it? Thinking "but wait, everyone was supposed to have passed" or maybe "He failed a class? Which one?" Noone is reading this saying "i have no fucking clue what's going on." That's a problem i think. I think i got caught up, started spreading the fucking link around, and forgot what that would probably do, or maybe even hoped that it would. Ever say something and wish someone would find out so they would know how you had felt that whole time? ... well me neither ...
Seriously though, why write this at all? It seems like the only reason to write a blog anymore is to try to convince myself that what i think and want should be important to more people than just me, and that's just a fallacy no matter how you look at it... y'know?
Sigh. I guess now that i've officially turned this blog into a public place, it's lost its meaning and worth - how can you blog when you know that you might as well say it out loud?
Anyways, i gotta get to sleep, catch some z's before my 3 hr 945 class tomorrow. Buenos Nachos? Si.
.Christian
PS: Kick those damn bedbugs for me.
Tuesday, July 6, 2004
So.
This blog will be erased in favor of a more interesting one soon - i went to mexico city, climbed pyramids, saw neat stuff, and updated The Hollander. Life is good.
Monday, May 24, 2004
Wow.
I hadn't talked to the Shelmeister in a long time. Not like this anyways, just rambling on in a quasi-philosophical manner which would normally imply some higher intelligence, but in my case is just a good faker ;-) I think... anyways I doubt that many that attend class with me would really agree - i sometimes think they look at me as though i was some freeloader who just got here by chance and would (or should) never be taken seriously.
It's funny how the eyes of the few become the thoughts of the many, eh?
I'm sure that my honest opinion of the matter is slightly skewed as a result of years of insecurity and insufficiency complexes, but the fact is that i can't help but feel much like a few of the people i know: Lost, confused, hopeless, and helpless. Feeling like there must be something else out there that just barely escapes my attention whenever i search for it, like a mosquito that buzzes in your ear loudly enough that you're convinced if you smack your ear it'll perish in the pressurized bubble of the air between your hand and ear canal, only to find that the mosquito has survived and your ear is currently doing some ringing of its own.
My most recent ramble in The Hollander touched briefly (or not, you'll have to read to find out) on a theme which has ensnared me for quite some time ... the idea that i can almost see the thin film separating me from where i should be. Have you ever felt like that? Like you may one day awake to find another face where your farce used to be? I don't think i'm fake - far from it. I think i'm too honest about my emotions, and that they change so often, and for such seemingly small reasons, that it is often easy to misinterpret them as being fake, or trying to please.
You try too hard.
I stopped knowing what anyone could possibly mean by that phrase a long time ago. I used to think that it was a clear indicator of my failed or failing attempts at climbing some social ladder which would make up for the lost relationships of my childhood. Now i find that i can only laugh at such a suggestion. Of course i want people to like me! I'm human after all! But the fact is that this "social butterfly" attitude or supposed desire is actually quite simply my own rendition of the "golden rule" of almost every major religion.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Do not do unto others as you would not have them do to you.
Pick and choose, it's the same answer either way. I want to treat others like i want to be treated. I think my biggest problem is realizing that the Confucian (2nd) definition perhaps holds more validity in certain situations. I believe in proactivity, that cannot be denied. I'm loudmouthed to a fault in my constant desire to be heard or believed or accredited. I think maybe the only thing that i have to work on is realizing that sometimes, NOT doing can be almost as effective if not more efficient at reaching goals of perception, giving, and living, as doing like a madman.
Fact is that whatever the methodology, i want what everyone else wants: happiness. I think perhaps my proudest trait is wanting happiness for everyone else. Problem is, you can never know what will make someone else happy - how can you make them smile at the intention if it has been lost in the ill-performed action?
::sigh:: The middle ground always sounds so easy because you automatically focus on the hard parts - anger, jealousy, greed... truth is that the hardest parts are the ones we think are the easiest - love, hope, happiness. Anything to an extreme is as unhealthy as its extreme opposite, right?
Wow. Enough of this for the night. I'm gonna go to sleep and forfeit my philosophical reasoning for now... anything in excess, right?
Goodnight, sleep tight, kick them bedbugs, and catch me on the flip side - i'd offer to catch you there, but considering the lack of sleep this week, that may be a bad idea.
.Christian
PS: Seriously, KTBB!!!
It's funny how the eyes of the few become the thoughts of the many, eh?
I'm sure that my honest opinion of the matter is slightly skewed as a result of years of insecurity and insufficiency complexes, but the fact is that i can't help but feel much like a few of the people i know: Lost, confused, hopeless, and helpless. Feeling like there must be something else out there that just barely escapes my attention whenever i search for it, like a mosquito that buzzes in your ear loudly enough that you're convinced if you smack your ear it'll perish in the pressurized bubble of the air between your hand and ear canal, only to find that the mosquito has survived and your ear is currently doing some ringing of its own.
My most recent ramble in The Hollander touched briefly (or not, you'll have to read to find out) on a theme which has ensnared me for quite some time ... the idea that i can almost see the thin film separating me from where i should be. Have you ever felt like that? Like you may one day awake to find another face where your farce used to be? I don't think i'm fake - far from it. I think i'm too honest about my emotions, and that they change so often, and for such seemingly small reasons, that it is often easy to misinterpret them as being fake, or trying to please.
You try too hard.
I stopped knowing what anyone could possibly mean by that phrase a long time ago. I used to think that it was a clear indicator of my failed or failing attempts at climbing some social ladder which would make up for the lost relationships of my childhood. Now i find that i can only laugh at such a suggestion. Of course i want people to like me! I'm human after all! But the fact is that this "social butterfly" attitude or supposed desire is actually quite simply my own rendition of the "golden rule" of almost every major religion.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Do not do unto others as you would not have them do to you.
Pick and choose, it's the same answer either way. I want to treat others like i want to be treated. I think my biggest problem is realizing that the Confucian (2nd) definition perhaps holds more validity in certain situations. I believe in proactivity, that cannot be denied. I'm loudmouthed to a fault in my constant desire to be heard or believed or accredited. I think maybe the only thing that i have to work on is realizing that sometimes, NOT doing can be almost as effective if not more efficient at reaching goals of perception, giving, and living, as doing like a madman.
Fact is that whatever the methodology, i want what everyone else wants: happiness. I think perhaps my proudest trait is wanting happiness for everyone else. Problem is, you can never know what will make someone else happy - how can you make them smile at the intention if it has been lost in the ill-performed action?
::sigh:: The middle ground always sounds so easy because you automatically focus on the hard parts - anger, jealousy, greed... truth is that the hardest parts are the ones we think are the easiest - love, hope, happiness. Anything to an extreme is as unhealthy as its extreme opposite, right?
Wow. Enough of this for the night. I'm gonna go to sleep and forfeit my philosophical reasoning for now... anything in excess, right?
Goodnight, sleep tight, kick them bedbugs, and catch me on the flip side - i'd offer to catch you there, but considering the lack of sleep this week, that may be a bad idea.
.Christian
PS: Seriously, KTBB!!!
Saturday, May 22, 2004
It's official.
If you've been wanting some Hollander to fill your dreams, click on the link to the right. It's not much, but right now, it's all he's got. Give him a break, he's an old man!
.Christian
PS: just don't tell him i said so.
PPS: oh, and don't bother taking this story seriously, i'm positive there's lots of problems with it and i'm sure it's a complete failing grammatically and literar .. uh, literal ... um... in terms of bookish stuff. So just suck it up and fill in the blanks with your own imagination, OK?
PPPS: if you manage to do so, don't tell me, i'll think you're crazy.
.Christian
PS: just don't tell him i said so.
PPS: oh, and don't bother taking this story seriously, i'm positive there's lots of problems with it and i'm sure it's a complete failing grammatically and literar .. uh, literal ... um... in terms of bookish stuff. So just suck it up and fill in the blanks with your own imagination, OK?
PPPS: if you manage to do so, don't tell me, i'll think you're crazy.
Friday, May 21, 2004
Blah de blog.
Blah blah blah, bee blah blah bloo. Blogablooga bloo?
So anyways, now that THAT's out of my system. I'm in Mexico! ... Still! YAY!(ish)
Seriously, i love this place, but it is still kind of hard to keep going through the everyday without being able to come home and see kim and the animals... i really miss home, yknow? Still, i think that this is probably the best thing for all of us - it gives me a chance to learn the culture and the language, and it gives kim a chance to meet and hang out with a bunch of new and interesting people that she might not have gotten the chance to meet if i was at home waiting for her to get back, or tagging along and stealing the spotlight. Kim's a great person who can make lots of friends quickly and easily, and i hope that she soon learns that and comes to appreciate how wonderful she really is.
Yay brownie points.
;-)
Seriously, i just know that overall this will be a great experience.
BTW, i just saw Troy. Actually it was called Troya. It had subtitles. Yay western pigdog hollywood influence ;-) I know i know, I'm in mexico, i should be watching spanish movies! In my defence: I glanced disinterestedly at the subtitles whenever there was nothing interesting going on in the movie ... so that means maybe once. OK, maybe twice. In other words:
TROY IS A GREAT MOVIE WHICH I CAN FEARLESSLY RECOMMEND TO ANY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS EARTH WHO HAS EYES AND EARS!
(or can read spanish subtitles i guess...)
OK, i feel creative - i think i feel the hollander coming out - Argh! No! Yikes! Yeesh! WAHOO! {insert exclusively exclamatory exclamation 'ere}
OK OK OK, so he's not really taking over my body and turning me into some freakish Jekkyl and Hyde (a la L.o.E.G) which will henceforth rend asunder the walls of this fair city and its inhabitants ... not until i've had tequila anyway. Still, i feel a ferocious growl (akin to the sound of a purring kitten) coming on.
And so, adieu! or Hasta l'uego! Or whatever. You know, it's all good. Yo.
KTBB!
.Christian
So anyways, now that THAT's out of my system. I'm in Mexico! ... Still! YAY!(ish)
Seriously, i love this place, but it is still kind of hard to keep going through the everyday without being able to come home and see kim and the animals... i really miss home, yknow? Still, i think that this is probably the best thing for all of us - it gives me a chance to learn the culture and the language, and it gives kim a chance to meet and hang out with a bunch of new and interesting people that she might not have gotten the chance to meet if i was at home waiting for her to get back, or tagging along and stealing the spotlight. Kim's a great person who can make lots of friends quickly and easily, and i hope that she soon learns that and comes to appreciate how wonderful she really is.
Yay brownie points.
;-)
Seriously, i just know that overall this will be a great experience.
BTW, i just saw Troy. Actually it was called Troya. It had subtitles. Yay western pigdog hollywood influence ;-) I know i know, I'm in mexico, i should be watching spanish movies! In my defence: I glanced disinterestedly at the subtitles whenever there was nothing interesting going on in the movie ... so that means maybe once. OK, maybe twice. In other words:
TROY IS A GREAT MOVIE WHICH I CAN FEARLESSLY RECOMMEND TO ANY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS EARTH WHO HAS EYES AND EARS!
(or can read spanish subtitles i guess...)
OK, i feel creative - i think i feel the hollander coming out - Argh! No! Yikes! Yeesh! WAHOO! {insert exclusively exclamatory exclamation 'ere}
OK OK OK, so he's not really taking over my body and turning me into some freakish Jekkyl and Hyde (a la L.o.E.G) which will henceforth rend asunder the walls of this fair city and its inhabitants ... not until i've had tequila anyway. Still, i feel a ferocious growl (akin to the sound of a purring kitten) coming on.
And so, adieu! or Hasta l'uego! Or whatever. You know, it's all good. Yo.
KTBB!
.Christian
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Amexicana
Well that's what we like to call a big-ole-sonofabitchola.
I just wrote this whole big blog talkin all about my experiences here in mexico, and here we are, writing all over again, because of my damn "shortcutkey trigger-fingers".
See the problem is that mac is so easy, you can quit a program by simply hitting 'open-apple' and 'q'. Well, i forgot that this blog was a WEB PAGE and closed the internet program. ::Sigh:: Are there no bounds to my idiocy?
Oh well.
Look, i gotta go to sleep, so here's a summary of the main points:
Mexico is cool.
I miss home.
I'm a passive experiencer of even events which i actively participate in. (i was in the middle of that one when it quit)
and finally - a point which i was going to get to:
GOODNIGHT! SLEEP TIGHT! KICK THEM FRIGGIN BED BUGS! KICKEM WITH YOUR FOOT!
and buh-bye.
.Christian
PS: Catch ya on that crazy mexican flip-side, baby ;-)
I just wrote this whole big blog talkin all about my experiences here in mexico, and here we are, writing all over again, because of my damn "shortcutkey trigger-fingers".
See the problem is that mac is so easy, you can quit a program by simply hitting 'open-apple' and 'q'. Well, i forgot that this blog was a WEB PAGE and closed the internet program. ::Sigh:: Are there no bounds to my idiocy?
Oh well.
Look, i gotta go to sleep, so here's a summary of the main points:
Mexico is cool.
I miss home.
I'm a passive experiencer of even events which i actively participate in. (i was in the middle of that one when it quit)
and finally - a point which i was going to get to:
GOODNIGHT! SLEEP TIGHT! KICK THEM FRIGGIN BED BUGS! KICKEM WITH YOUR FOOT!
and buh-bye.
.Christian
PS: Catch ya on that crazy mexican flip-side, baby ;-)
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Holy moly you crazy canoli!
So I have about a half hour before i have to go to class, but i think that's just plenty to catch y'all up a little bit on the goings on in my life... well, at least to try ;-)
School has been kinda crazy/busy, with homework and tests and projects coming from every angle imaginable and with one task in mind - to kick our asses long and hard in ways we will have nightmares about for the rest of our lives... in other words: wow. Fish are alive, cat's doin well, daggy is ... well ... a dog. Kim's doin reall well too - she seems to really be getting used to the area out here and getting to know some of the people she works with.
I'm really happy about that last point, since it really has felt for a while like she was happy, but not as comfortable as she could be, and i really just wanted her to start going out with some friends and some new people so that she could have a stronger, wider support base out here - and so she could have some more fun!
So guess what? I'm going to Guadalajara! Yay! I think it's really going to be a great experience, and i'm really excited for the possibilities that i think it will give kim too... see she's not going, but for that reason, i think it might give her the freedom she needs to go out and have a good time and live a little outside of the life we lead together. I think that's really necessary, yknow? Aside from that though, i think that this trip will also allow me to work on my spanish and enjoy the culture around my school ... i just can't think of a single thing that could suck about this trip! The best part about all of it is that no matter how good or bad it is, i get to leave mexico and live back in AZ all over again in just 3 months! YAY :-)
Anyways, i should have internet access in the house, and we're going to try to get a US phone number there as well, but only if it's worth it, yknow? Now i just have to make sure i don't get deported from there, and that my passports are up-to-date. I will probably be leaving on the 6th of may, if y'all wanted t'know. Kim's parents (who apparently hate me - big surprise) are arriving on the 7th, so i figured it might be a good idea to skidaddle a day earlier.
NEways, ill catch y'all later - i'm gonna go hang out outside for a bit before going to class. ... yay arizona weather :-)
.Christian
School has been kinda crazy/busy, with homework and tests and projects coming from every angle imaginable and with one task in mind - to kick our asses long and hard in ways we will have nightmares about for the rest of our lives... in other words: wow. Fish are alive, cat's doin well, daggy is ... well ... a dog. Kim's doin reall well too - she seems to really be getting used to the area out here and getting to know some of the people she works with.
I'm really happy about that last point, since it really has felt for a while like she was happy, but not as comfortable as she could be, and i really just wanted her to start going out with some friends and some new people so that she could have a stronger, wider support base out here - and so she could have some more fun!
So guess what? I'm going to Guadalajara! Yay! I think it's really going to be a great experience, and i'm really excited for the possibilities that i think it will give kim too... see she's not going, but for that reason, i think it might give her the freedom she needs to go out and have a good time and live a little outside of the life we lead together. I think that's really necessary, yknow? Aside from that though, i think that this trip will also allow me to work on my spanish and enjoy the culture around my school ... i just can't think of a single thing that could suck about this trip! The best part about all of it is that no matter how good or bad it is, i get to leave mexico and live back in AZ all over again in just 3 months! YAY :-)
Anyways, i should have internet access in the house, and we're going to try to get a US phone number there as well, but only if it's worth it, yknow? Now i just have to make sure i don't get deported from there, and that my passports are up-to-date. I will probably be leaving on the 6th of may, if y'all wanted t'know. Kim's parents (who apparently hate me - big surprise) are arriving on the 7th, so i figured it might be a good idea to skidaddle a day earlier.
NEways, ill catch y'all later - i'm gonna go hang out outside for a bit before going to class. ... yay arizona weather :-)
.Christian
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