So what up?

So i've been cleaning my office and trying to get ready for school - and lemme tell ya, i'm findin stuff in here that i really had no idea even existed. Like, pens and pencils and stuff... oh, and thumbtacks... yeah those hurt a little in the discovering.

So now Oberon's sittin on my desk with his head in front of the monitor. What did i just type? i dunno, lemme ask the back of the friggin cat's head! Seriously, if telling him about the difference between a window and a door would make a lick a difference, i just might. Oh what the hell, why not ... brb.

Hey, it worked. Heh heh - just call me Prot.

So New Year's... wow - couldn't a seen that one coming from a year away. I have no clue what we're gonna be doing to celebrate. I thought that Kim was gonna go to Chicago, but it turns out she's stayin here, so we're tryin ta figure out what the hell we're gonna do. We might just do a dinner thing - which sounds nice enough :-)

I've been doing OK with the whole IT consulting thing, BTW. It just sort of popped out of nowhere without much assistance from yours truly, and now the client i acquired about a month ago just recommended me to one of her friends, not to mention that i was working for her husband as well. I don't charge much, but it feels good to get paid a little somethin somethin, yknow?

So anyways, in closing i want to say 2 things - one is that i really miss all y'all, especially when i think about all the walks, talks, and ::ahem:: parties.... Two is that i just heard that one of my old (ex?) friends is engaged! Apparently Nic and Liz have finally decided to get hitched, so howzabout everybody give em their best wishes! Everyone deserves to have a happy, healthy life with someone they love!

Aright, that's enough for now... i need to get back to pretending that i'm productive. Catch ya on the flip side, baby!

.Christian

PS: i know it's the middle of the day - but kick them bed bugs anyway.

Time and cookies.

Today's Hollander is a huge deviation from the original direction of the blog - though that's what i was kind of hoping for. I wanted a diverse set of stories from one immense life... i guess I should say it's coming together nicely.

BTW, i have not lost my mind.

Yet.

Or again, depending on who you talk to.

I'm going to go to sleep, wake up, and do myriad useful chores and duties. And sing. Because why not?

.Christian

PS: flip side, bed bugs.

Yo, yo.

Just wanted to drop y'all (heh heh, there's that illinois comin through) a quick note just in case i forget before the holidays... HAPPY HOLIDAYS! HAPPY NEW YEAR! WHO'S YER DADDY! ... wait ... i think that last may have been misplaced. Ah well, you get the gist.

Just a brief summary of events and general sentiment for this week:

Monday: Applied to T-Bird, stressed.

Tuesday: Got into T-Bird and celebrated with some good friends, elated - almost as good as saturday.

Wednesday: Busy with little stuff, imagine my smiling face - now take the smile away.

Thursday: Found out that there have been health problems with George (stepdad), take yesterday's face and distort it with one of those Fun House mirrors... voila.

Friday: Just finished an email to Maura after finding out things are great with her; found out that george can come home for christmas; wrote a blog, life is good.

Preview of Saturday: LAST DAY AT RADIOSHACK!! WHOS YER DADDY?! (see, told you it was misplaced)

Well folks, i'm outta here for now - catch ya on the flip side, baby.

.Christian

PS: don't forget to kick them bed bugs tonight, k?

Just thought i'd let y'all know

that as of January 18th, i will officially be a student at Thunderbird. American Graduate School of International Management. Just so you know.

.Christian

PS: YEEEEEE FRIGGIN HAAAAAAW!!

What's done is done.

And it's all done. I have officially turned in my application to Thunderbird, complete with two essays and a resume. Let's see what happens.... yeah i'm nervous, but not really - after all, what's done is done.

.Christian

PS: flip side, bed bugs, you know the drill.

I WIN!

98TH PERCENTILE IN VERBAL!!

Do you know what that means?

I WIN!

Sure my math score could have been better, but WHO CARES?! I never said i was going to be an accountant!

I don't think that today could have been any better - I got a 590 (20 higher than the T-Bird avg.) on my GMAT, then my mom told me that George might just be sick from some hottub bacteria thing, then i saw a sign for DQ and decided to get a Blizzard, but stopped to get a Double Whopper with cheese on the way, then on the exit ramp for DQ i saw this guy with a sign that said "Homeless Hippie, please help. -May God bless all." I felt bad but chalked it up to the old "Too many to help everyone" excuse and went on to DQ. When i got there i got a blizzard and decided that maybe i should buy the guy something, like maybe another blizzard - But after i decided not to, i saw one of those "Drop a coin in the cup and win something" displays, and you could win a Blizzard - so i said to myself "I'll drop a few quarters in, and if i win, i'll give him the Blizzard!" When i reached into my pocket though, i only had one quarter - pretty bad odds. I dropped it in anyways and it ricocheted off the back - and into the cup! So i asked for exactly the same thing i'd gotten and went on my merry way. I stopped on the overpass in the shoulder with my hazards on, decided to grab a fiver out of my wallet, and walked over to the guy. "So, i won this at Dairy Queen and figured I'd give it to you... I don't know if you like Heath and Reese's, but, if you don't..." and handed him the cup and the money. The funniest thing is that i can't remember just what he said - i think it was "Thanks man," or "sir" or "dude", but i remember the way he said it made me think he had a southern accent, and i said "No problem, enjoy it!" or something like that. I walked back to my car and turned back to see him happily wolfing down his blizzard. I think it was the image right before i stopped in the lane to get back on the freeway that burned in my head, and that was him with his hand held straight out, giving me a peace sign. I beeped my horn and flashed one back to him before he disappeared behind the freeway on-ramp sign. The song that was playing was "Remedy (I won't Worry)" by Jason Mraz - one of the lines was "because it all amount to nothing in the end."

So to recap:

Great score on the GMAT
Great news about George
Great Double Whopper w/Cheese (no onion)
Great Blizzard
Great feeling helping someone
Great drive home
GREAT DAY

I think today was better for me than most people have in their entire lives - it was the kind of day where you think: I could die right now, and i would have had all the happiness i could ever want in this life.

If the world were full of days like today, there would be no war, hunger, anger or sadness.

.Christian

PS: now let's all go get shitfaced!!

The time has come...

to steal someone else's opening line - to travel to Tucson - to take the GMAT.

As Yoda once said: "You will be." (btw, he means 'afraid')

Well, i'm not gonna take a huge amount of time telling you guys this:

I'm leaving tonight to go to Tucson to find a shitty motel to bunk up in for the night so that tomorrow morning i can take the GMAT at eight-thirty in the morning and hopefully get a score that will be much higher than the ones i have been recieving on my practice tests.

And maybe write a run-on sentence or two.

I just have to remember to take my time, yknow? I think if i do that i'll be OK. I just took one of the problem solving practice tests (my weakest subject) and i think that if it weren't for me running out of time (remember the "time per question" fiasco i discussed in the last blog?) i would have gotten most of the questions right. I got 1-9 all right, no errors. Once i hit nine though, i saw my time dwindling and freaked out. I DEFINITELY have to take my time on the Verbal though - i'm always finishing about a .5n (where n is the total time) too soon.

Anyways - gots ta get trippin'. (heh heh)
Wish me luck, pray for me, sacrifice a goat, whatever.

Catch ya on the flip side, baby.

.Christian

PS: KTMFBB for me, cause i'll be studyin till i retire tonight.

GMAT sucks a rat.

So how in the hell is it possible that i can manage to START at a 560 - go through the whole Kaplan review course - AND END UP AT A 500?!!?!?!?! FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!

I just don't get it. I think maybe i just rushed everything - cause when you're doing the kaplan thing, they give you like, 25 minutes to do 16 questions. When you do the GMAT, it's 75 minutes to do 37. let's do a little quick math here, k? what's the ratio of questions to minutes with kaplan?

16:25

and GMAT?

37:75

now let's reduce, shall we? cause i'm getting SO good at THAT!

37/2 = 18.5 and 75/2 = 37.5

what's that you say? that's 18.5:37.5? You mean TEN FUCKING MINUTES MORE?!

seriously. what the hell?

i just need to know
MISTER FUCKING KAPLAN METHOD
what the HELL is wrong with LETTING ME PRACTICE WITH A LITTLE MORE TIME?! Maybe, oh heck i dunno, let's say ANYWHERE NEAR THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME I GET FOR THE REAL FUCKING THING?! ... just checking.

God this is frustrating. I'm exhausted from all this studying, and tomorrow i get to do it all over again! 3 TIMES!

well, at least it'll be good to finally know what to expect. I don't know if this program even scored my essay, yknow? and that's like, half the thing! Maybe i just scored really low, but it didn't tell me what i got, it just told me what it thought i SHOULD have typed, which is just some pre-written fuckermudder.

::sigh:: ... fuckin fuckers.

You know, i still have two essays to write for thunderbird - then send in the application through their online system, then hand it in for real just so they can match a face with the name, then blah blah blah blah blah. At least it will be over by this monday, i just wish i had some more time, yknow?

wow

this saturday is just totally gonna suck.

...

wow.

I have really pretty fish, btw. Seriously.

well folks - i think i'm gonna go to sleep soon... well... now actually. then ill just wake up tomorrow morning and start studying! yay! lather, rinse, and fucking repeat.

.Christian

PS: ktbb and catch that flipside
PPS: , baby.

Been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.

I apologize in advance for the anger contained within the words, letters, indeed mere keypresses which make up this blog.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckinfuckfuckittyduckittyfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

ur.

That feels mildly better. Sorry bout the fuckin' "fuck"s.

Let me start with a non-sore topic: I went to blog about a week ago but the site wouldn't load on my computer. Thought you should know.

So, the reason i'm upset:

Kim and I argued about little shit all day -

hmm.

I should preface this by saying that we kindamaybebasicallyreallygot back together. Bout a week ago. Anniversary. Does it every time.

where was i?

hmmm, where am i ANY time kim is in the blog?

oh yeah: Arguing about little shit all day.

Come time for her to go to work, she asks me if i can drop her off. I in turn ask her if she could just take the car and drive herself to work.

Have i mentioned that her hospital is about 10 to 15 minutes each way? To be sure, no big deal, but let me ask you something. What is 730 (the latest she gets off work) minus 15? 715, right?

715.

do you know what time i work? at the earliest?

9.

i get up at 8.

on good days.

days when i don't have to wake up FORTY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES EARLY.

Now i have no problem with this when i need the car later that night, but doesn't it seem like it would make more sense if... oh.... say KIM took the car to work and back?

So let's go back:

"I in turn ask her if she could just take the car and drive herself to work."

She says no.

No?

No.

Why not?

"I don't know where to park."

i think this portion of the blog should be enough to explain why i started on the tumbling, dark road of anger and disillusionment.

"You've been working there a month and you don't know where to park?"

"I'll ask tonight."

"Could you call to find out?"

"I'll wait till i get there then ask someone."

Omitions have been made from both sides here - but you get the gist.

Phone rings - "It's your GIRLFRIEND." - argument ensues.

I have friends. These friends are girls. Cut it any way you like to - justify the jealousy and lack of trust with any pretty words or complex ideas that you want to, but ultimately it all comes down to this:

"I have friends. These friends are girls."

I will no longer dignify these hints at my lack of morality - these suggestions of depravity - allusions to an adulterous nature which, quite simply, does not exist - with a response of any kind, nor will i tolerate them.

=== phone rings, 5 minutes pass ===

I just got off the phone with kim, and i feel like shit. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world for wanting to, in the words of her favorite show "Start Over". But that's how i feel. I think that the end of our conversation summarized it quite succinctly: She asked me if i just wanted her to move back, and if i just hadn't been able to tell her so - i responded by telling her that I am willing to go to any lengths necessary to make the arguments stop. I told her that all i want is to be happy, safe, and secure in the relationship. She suggested that i don't feel any of those things with our relationship. I didn't answer. She said she had to go and hung up.

I feel like i should be mincing words, leaving out details, 'forgetting' a few things - but i'm too upset, the wound is too fresh, and bluntly: this is why i have a blog.

I don't know what to do. When things are good, they're great. When they're bad, they're horrible. I know what i would tell myself if i were someone else. Easier said than done, right? Damnit.

On top of that, i have to study.
Write an essay.
Write another.

And feed the animals. Damn. Forgot about that.

KTBB.

.Christian

Hey Y'all

Just wanted to drop you a quick note and say that "yes, i'm alive".Things have been kinda crazy these last few days and i haven't gotten a lot of sleep - but i really like the way life's goin, so it's all good in the hood. Anyways - gots ta get goin, catch ya on the flip side, baby.

KTBB.

.Christian

This is ... wow ... i'm touched ...

Three!

I actually don't really have time to blog cause i'm reading a book that i haven't read since around when i moved (the count awaits) - but i DID want to give you all this food for thought: (the origins of which, perhaps i shall relate later on)

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel, yet?

I also have sad news. Elise and i have been looking at (OK, actually just elise) prices for the flight out to p-town... thing is that just to get to peoria would be 400 a person, and to get to chi-town would be 200, plus car rental and gas. This would actually be for three days because apparently she doesn't have the days off. ... are you seeing the problem?

i just don't think it's gonna happen. if it were for more days it would be worth it, yknow? I just don't think 3 days would be. And so i thought about going lone wolf - but that would really suck because since i haven't planned anything i would be carless and bedless, and basically be a royal pain in the ass for everyone in peoria, which was NOT on my To Do list.

I'm sorry folks - i really really really wanted to go home, but i just don't think it's gonna happen. It's ok though - there will be other times... i just wanted to have see everyone and have a chance to go to monday night football ... ::Sigh:: ah well - who knows what'll happen.

OK all, i'll catch ya on the flip side, baby.

KTBB

.Christian

Two in a row?

And why the hell not?!

I told you i'd blog, and that's what i damn meant!
(besides, i figure all those who were missin out on the blog lovin can get a nice little sensory overload)

It was kinda fun beatin the crap outta this "Dynasty Warriors" game tonight - but i think it's really a lot more fun when both people playing have spent some time building up their characters and then competing against each other - that's pretty cool. I can't wait to try SSX 3 though, i hear it's totally badass.

OH. So my manager and i were talking today and I tell him the dates i for sure need for christmas (i had given him a very specific idea of those days a long time ago... repeatedly) and he told me that RadioShack employees are required to work for 5 days before christmas, etc. I told him "Look - my family is in florida. That trip takes a half a day FLYING - when the hell am i supposed to see them??" If it REALLY comes down to it i'll just get another job... yknow? family's more important than that. I just feel sorry for kim cause she doesn't have her family down here, and she HAS to work. It's not cool at all - i feel really bad, yknow?

So here's the plan, stan. Anyone who reads this - if you really wanna do a good deed - well, that wouldn't really make sense to post it here, cause kim'd find out .... ok ok ok, so anyone who wants to hear my idea, e-mail me for more details :-) XeroBlog@cox.net

I actually had considered typing it all out and removing it tomorrow, then putting it back on at random intervals - but that didn't really make too much sense.

I totally am a new fan of EVE6, btw. they're totally fun to listen to! have you heard that song "Sunset Strip Bitch?" It's awesome! Fun fun fun! Oh yeah, and anyone who has NOT been keeping up on the links to the side of this page - DO! it's a good read! I will be putting the next chapter of the Hollander up soon, i think it will actually be quite different from the original - just a warning.

Othello and Ori are well, btw - i'm just kinda worried that ori's fins are turning a little yellow - 'long with the rest of her. I can't really find any info on that though... kinda frustratin', eh?

OH, just so you know, my store is now 201. 2 - 0 - 1. That means that out of the five possible ratings, it is second from the bottom. second out of 5. F I V E. cinco. cinque. go. feunf. 5. ... wow. ok well anyways, i just wanted to complain about that.

OK folks - i'll be going to sleep now. It was good talking to you, feels like i have an outlet again! I promise not to let it get clogged up again! ... well - i can't really promise that - i mean, look at toilets, it's not like anyone wants to have to use that plunger that's sitting silently by the throne. But i'll try. Coo?

Coo.

Catch ya on the flip side, baby.

.Christian

PS: and if you see any of the ninja bedbugs that attacked me this morning, kick em - and wear a boot.

PPS: a steel toed boot.


PPPS: with spurs.

Long time no blog!

So what's up homies? ::grin:: You know what i did yesterday?

on MONDAY?

I saw monday night football.

Live.


HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!


it was so cool.
I've never really watched a football game live before, and for it to be the Dolphins vs the Chargers was pretty damn awesome!

i guess i should apologize to mary at this point for the whole "happy about the fires" thing - but hey, if it weren't for her state being a giant matchstick with her living in the phosphorous side, i would never have gotten AWESOME seats for FREE at an NFL GAME!

... so yeah - sorry.

heh heh.

I guess i've already given those details now, so ill stop bragging about how i got great seats to an NFL game for free at the last minute.

heh heh.

So aaaaaaaaaaaaanyways.

I just wanted to make it clear to everyone that YES - i AM coming to Peoria

I'll be leaving on November the 6th (just a week or two) and staying until the 11th (5 friggin days!). So yes, i expect fun. :-)

I figure this way i get weekend parties, sunday swimming(?), and MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL (though by then i may be beyond bragging and be nearer to gloating)

Anyone got any other plans?

Thought not. ;-)

Oh, i also have a huge favor to ask of everyone - aside from buying me a round when i get home ;-)

I am trying to create a coverletter for the purpose of reeling in a job as a "remote location" radio person thinger - i have thus created a list, and numbered the items from one to ten. Only numbers 1 through 3 will be put in the cover letter - so if you think that i'm wrong about which ones take precedence (or have any other input) just email me your suggestions!

(please remember that i'm not usually the kind of person to say things like this about myself, but i have to if i plan on getting a good job - however if you have another strategy, also feel free to e-mail it to me!)

10 reasons why I want this job
1) I really enjoyed the radio show I worked on in High School
2) I want to enjoy my job, and look forward to work
3) I love music
4) I love talking
5) I’ve always wanted to be on the radio
6) People have always told me I have a good radio voice
7) I’m a clown, and I love to share it
8) I think I could be a great DJ
9) I love making mixes and playlists that contain many different styles
10) It’s the first step in my conquest of the known world.

10 reasons why I’d be good for this job
1) I’m a really dedicated, hard worker.
2) I’ve learned how to really take charge and get things done
3) I get along with almost everyone
4) I have a great voice for radio
5) I can do a zillion and two imitations and voices
6) I love people
7) I’m addicted to 80’s and 90’s music
8) I’m willing to start at the bottom
9) I love road trips!
10) I know a lot about computers and logical systems

10 reasons why I’d be better than anyone else for this job
1) I speak several languages and have a very diverse background.
2) I am willing to take charge, but have no problem being under someone else
3) I’m a people person – I can understand and empathize with almost anyone
4) I know the value of patience and the importance of working hard to achieve goals
5) I can make people laugh.
6) I know my limits, but I also know when I can overcome them.
7) I am very organized when it comes to work.
8) I’m confident, but not arrogant – I will always cede a point if I’m wrong.
9) When I know what I want, I will keep going until I get it, or I break something.
10) I’m one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet.

notice that the items that i thought revealed too much my ultimate plan to become a DJ were left out of the "first 3" circle... do you think that's a good idea? lemme know.

The plants are dying in my damn aquarium again.

fuckin fuckers.

I'm doing the whole "music match goes out and looks for all the songs i want to have names and it names them for me, but i have to watch over it's shoulder the whole time due to stupid programmers" thing.

Seriously - wouldn't it make sense to you that if someone is looking for the album information of a song and artist, they don't want the "Totally 80's" discs to come up? it just makes sense to me that they should automatically list the results in ascending order from the oldest release date!! is that so hard? it shows me the year, but at this point it just serves as a point with which to mock me - as if saying "hey, we could organize this better, but we enjoy watching you suffer!"

f'ing f'ers.

I've actually considered leaving radioshack and being jobless for a little while - if only to get away. not from the company, mind you (though i have some stories - don't we all) but the store. the barely 301 store. I tell ya, coming from the store i was in, and going to this disorganized hellpit... that was a bit of a shock.

I guess maybe i'm being too harsh, but it's true. See, Mike kept things clean and well oiled, etc, and relied on us to support the store - Eric relies on us to do everything i just mentioned that mike does. Sigh.

Enough about that. I'm actually going to go ni ni soon, i just wanted to tell you guys some of what was going on and try to open up the lines again. It kinda felt like i was losing touch for a minute there, didn't it? well i promise i'll update more. actually, i plan on updating nightly again!

KTBB!

.Christian

Just so you know

i wrote a pretty long blog last night talking about what was going on with my life, and the next thing i know it was deleted by some server error. Bastards.

You want an update?

Kim and I broke up.

How's that for an update?

I guess i was kinda expecting her to change her mind, or for us to talk it out, but i don't know that that would have been better... i just don't know what's the right road at this point. I guess the one thing i can say for sure is that we've tried being together and holding on, and both of us have mentioned splitting up several times - hell for a week or two i was seriously contemplating just doing it myself when we were both calm and not arguing. I guess she felt the same way.

"And it stinks when it's nobody's fault, cause there's noone to blame" John Mayer

I'm gonna go down to a radio station today. Think they'll like me? I don't know what i'm gonna do... just hand em my resume i guess. Say "Hey, i know i have no radio experience, but maybe i could just pour coffee?"

Maybe i could go the other route and be Frasier. Ha.

My aquarium looks nice - i have three new live plants in there.

I think if it weren't for the fact taht we both knew this was coming it would be a lot worse... but it's pretty bad as it is. Christ, and i thought the break up with Jen was bad... this could almost rival Wendy, but i don't know that any break up is ever as hard as a first love - though this is close. It's really bad because i'm still so in love with the girl that i was dating when we first started out. I think that kim's right. We've both grown and changed a lot since we started dating - and though she didn't out and out say it, i agree with her that the people we've become don't mesh anymore.

I think i've kinda become a mishmash of who i've been and who i wanna be - i don't know how long it'll take to sort through the quagmire of my personality, but hopefully it'll come out all right in the end.

ktbb.

.Christian

I hope i'm not getting into a habit

of never posting in a timely manner. It's been kinda crazy around here with kimproblems and other stuff....

i think the first thing that i have to say is this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY (belated) KENNY!!
Kenny's birthday was on thursday, and though i promised a Blog, this is the closest i've gotten... I'm sorry Kenny!

Hope you guys had an awesome time out! I think i remember hearing something about the boat? Win lotsa money?

Oh - few quick updates: Fish have new plants, i still work at radioshack, i'm addicted to SimCity4 and NCAA2004, i just installed "opera" because i was sick of Netscrape ... hmmm... oh, and as usual there is mucho drama on the home front.

PS: I miss brandie.

I haven't seen her in over two weeks or so, and i've talked to her barely more than once (if at all) during that whole time! I miss my friend :-( It's hard to explain, but b is very good at making me feel comfortable and happy - if only because she respects me, my relationship with Kim, herself, and the friendship that she and i have. (btw, all you inquiring minds, that means everything i say really IS because she's the bestest friend in the whole wide world... NOT for some hidden, sultry reason - go watch Days of Our Lives or something.)

::sigh::

Oh, and just to give credit where MAJOR credit is due - Elise has been a solid pillar for me to lean against any time that i've had problems. I really appreciate the effort that has been made to make me feel OK again - and like my problems CAN be solved, even if it's slow going! THANK YOU ELISE!!

and to Oberon and Lilly and Othello and Ori: You are wonde- ... wait ... i think that - yep, i'm pretty sure that - this has gone WAY too far.

but i love my pets.

OK folks - for those who need to know (and haven't already asked Dr. Know - there's nothing he doesn't) i have the next few days (till tuesday at 11) off, then thursday as well! Sure i'll be trying to do SOMETHING productive, but hey, a day off's a day off!

And for those who have been kept out of the loop lately (btw, that's ALL you readers at this point) Remember to KICK when you see a bedbug. Kick it, and kick it well. Kick it with your foot!

.Christian

"Catch ya on the flip side, baby."

PS

To all my dear friends in P-Tayown - You are all sorely, terribly, constantly missed. I think it's wierd that of all the memories i have of Peoria, the ones after i graduated grab me the most.

I am reminded constantly by my own mind and heart how great it was to have met such wonderful friends who took me in, let me be a part of their circle, and made me feel like i'd always been there.

To the "Shack-Pack": I know now that getting to be a part of you're circle of friends is one of the most fortunate 'accidents' that could ever have happened to me. You all taught me a lot about myself, but most importantly, you made me feel like i was more than just an outsider looking in - i felt like i was actually a part of it. Whether you all did that by accident, on purpose, or even if you Always do it, i want you all to know how much it really does mean to me. I don't know that i really ever expressed that to any of you before.

To my 'Chelles: I didn't know it was possible to feel so empty without a few friends by your side - but moving here, and depriving myself of your company, created one of the largest voids i've ever felt in my heart. You were always willing to talk, go out, have dinner, let me come over at random times - most importantly you let me into your hearts and home, and gave me what has to be my most memorable summer ever. Thank you so much for everything you have done, said, felt, confided, shared, shown, and given to me and around me.

To everyone not mentioned in this e-mail, and you know who you are - don't let my lack of ability to further describe my appreciation for the friends in my life mislead you... you are ALL important, and i think what makes our relationship special is that none of us need to be reminded WHY. From the bottom of my heart: Thank you, i miss you.

KTBB

.Christian

My dear goodness gracious -

It has been an extremely long friggin time since i last blogged.

wow.

I want you all to know that YES i am alive, and NO that doesn't mean that those of you who hate me can take a crack at my life. Just thought i'd let you know.

So wow - you guys have missed a lot because of my failure to blog! I guess the real fun info is the big things: I hate inventory - Lilly's learning - The fish are alive and well - Kim's brother is moving into our apartment complex - I went of atkins for a week or so and now i'm all gunho on it again... OH! And i beat Knights of the Old Republic.... which, btw, only has TWO endings - so to those who told me otherwise: Fuckayoua, biznatch! well i guess that's the big things. Sorry, no abduction stories ;-)

Oh, and about Kim:

-=(We apologize for the inconvenience, but this section has been removed due to Kenny)=-

Heh, well... whaddaya know? Wouldn't a seen THAT one comin a mile away!

So anyways - i'm just chillin like a villain. I just beat the game, so i'm combination wired/burned out. Ah well, at least i beat the game ... though i'll admit i would rather have like to kick it's ass again. Which, btw i did. A lot. Game's ass? Yeah, kicked.

Oh hey, didja see? The Cubs lost on Monday.

Everyone say it with me now:

"Heh, well... whaddaya know? Wouldn't a seen THAT one comin a mile away!"

Seriously, they got trounced - though i guess i shouldn't talk too loud since the friggin BRONCOS beat my Raiders. Yeesh.

Ah well, i guess it's times like these that i'm glad i only follow monday night football :-)

Have you heard the new John Mayer CD? I've actually had it since, like, the day after it came out - but i'm only now starting to get really in tune with the songs. It really seems like his "debut" cd was a lot closer to my heart, but hey, they can't all be gems, y'know?

OH! and i signed up for Dish network! it's so supercool! i can record stuff digitally, and that's all cool and stuff - but guess what?? i can ALSO PAUSE AND REWIND LIVE TV!! HOW FRIGGING AWESOME IS THAT?!

... grin... It's the simple things in life.

Everything else in my life is suprisingly similar though - still at rat shack (not much longer though) and still need to clean my car and office. Amazing huh? Sometimes everything else going on around you makes it seem like you've done so much, and yet the things you haven't done remind you of just how little things have changed.

Ah well - i believe it's time for me to go. I'm getting philosophical, and that's never a good sign, y'know?

well - good night, sleep tight, and kick them bedbugs right in the friggin head. ... coo?

.Christian

"Catch ya on the flip side, baby."

Enough

Is Enough. I'm tired of writing about things that upset me or make me sad or angry - which is all i have to write about tonight - so until i have something good to talk about, consider this blog on "hold".

KTBB

.Christian

A quick blog about LA smog.

Just in case you were wondering how yesterday and today have been going, the answer is a surprising "Fine". On the car ride back, Kim and i discussed a couple of different issues that seem to have the most effect on our relationship - and all in all i think things will be good if we can keep everything that was said in mind... easier said than done, right? well, i guess we'll see how everything turns out - but i definitely agree with her that it's all or nothing time... no more vacillating between staying together and splitting up. So here's to figuring it all out.

Didn't get to watch mondaynightfootball tonight, but i did get to do a lot of work on bills and Dark Jedi. ... you know, the usual.

LEGOLAND IS AWESOME.

kim and my sister and i had dinner in san diego.

that's pretty much everything that happened since i talked to you last - i'd type more, but it's getting late, and i have to walk the dog before i go to sleep.

and yeah, i'm convinced that aquarium plants were invented by the devil - cause they suck. Even my nice plants that were comin back to life are just sittin there now - i don't think they're alive anymore!

Ah well.

KTBB.

.Christian

"Catch ya on the flip side, baby."

"Here i am again"

Guess who's back? Back again? Christian's back! Tell a friend!

So yeah, Underworld was a pretty cool movie - I knew my sister really wanted to see it, so i figured since we only get to hang out once in a while we should just watch that, y'know? I can't wait to see it with Elise and B though, 'cause i know we'll have a good time watching it together.

So yeah - what can i catch you up on? Hmm.. well i guess you'll have to wait until the next line, cause i have to go to the bathroom.

OK, so as i was saying :-) I guess the biggest, most recent news is that i got Dish network for the apartment. It's a two room system with a personal video recorder (you can pause live TV... yay!) and a buttload of channels - well, for the first 3 months anyways. I figure hey, i was with direcTV for 4 years or so, so there's probably no harm in signing up for a 2 year contract with dish, yknow?

Inventory was supposed to be this weekend, but we ended up deciding to do it all day on wednesday - which wisdom i kind of doubt, but there's not much i can do at this point. At least the trip up to california was fun though, y'know? Fun-ish anyways, with the exception of the whole "kim" thing. See, it's been getting progressively worse over the last couple days - to the point now where it seems like everything I say is some kind of trouble just waiting to happen. I guess it doesn't help much that I haven't been much in the mood to talk lately... maybe it is because of her, i don't know, but either way i don't think it's very fair to automatically assume that i have some sort of problem and start giving me attitude, y'know?

Hopefully this whole thing with her going out last night and staying over at this Brian kid's place will help relieve her paranoia. Either way though, i'm not sure that it would be very smart for me to stay in this relationship, y'know? I think the big problem here is that no matter what people say, they're still the same people they were in highschool - on some level anyways.

We don't change that much you know, because people may grow and adapt, but at some level, highschool is an open expression of who people are and want to be, and because on another level. highschool bends you into who you are, and who you want to be - and when the two are at odds, it's a toss-up on who wins. I mean seriously - look at who you were in highschool and tell me you're totally different. You can't honestly do it, can you? The reason why is simple - we're still trying to overcome/prove/change things about ourselves in highschool. Even you old fogies who're reading this ;-)

To be more specific, Kim and i are both insecure and seeking acceptance - which makes it very hard to survive, because neither of us can really rely on the other for a strong foundation, no matter how much i may tell myself otherwise.

Another problem is that neither of us knows how to really handle our emotions... it's either all in, or all out - y'know?

All in all - i'm still the downcast "outside the crowd" loser, and she's still the "trying to stay popular" princess. I am of course using metaphorical license here.

Ah well. I just wish i had the strength to say "Look - i seriously want this relationship to end. If it's meant to be, something will bring us back together, but as far as i'm concerned, i think we'd both be a lot happier without each other." Me and my damn Mother Theresa complex. I think the thing that would upset me the most about her moving out is the dog - Lilly. I really love that little puppy, but i know that Kim wouldn't let her go. Thing is that she doesn't love her for the same reasons as i do, yknow? I love her because i've been taking care of her, getting used to her, feeling like i was responsible for her safety, training, and all around proper growth. Kim loves her for maybe some of the same reasons, but mostly because she's always wanted a puppy of her own, and Lilly's it - even though ::ahem:: she left for two weeks to go back to Chicago without a second thought about how it would affect Lilly's perception, health, or growth.

I'm not bitter.

I think though, that maybe Lilly would be happier living with Kim, yknow? I really do spend a lot of time out of the house, and though Oberon can handle that (and i think he actually enjoys his reign of the apt) i don't want my poor little lilly to be alone in the house for too long - not as a puppy, y'know? Maybe Kim's unconditional puppy love would be a lot better for her now, especially since most of the training is really complete. (though i think perhaps commands will cease to exist from Lilly's vocabulary, and 'sit' 'stay' and 'heel' will lose all meaning)

So we're supposedly going to LegoLand today, though Kim's not called yet - speak of the devil.

Mary's giving them directions right now. ::sigh:: For a guy that's pretty much laid back about everything in his life, mine seems determined to complicate itself. I guess maybe i should try to stop lying back so far and take some more control... yknow? Maybe that would help. Hm.

Man i miss my friends. I miss knowing where my life was going. I miss everything about oh, 3 months ago. That and my friends here. ::sigh:: i think i miss everything about my life except having more arguments with Kim. Actually, there's something else i miss - being around Kim and feeling like it was a good thing. I miss that too. I used to think that it would come back, and i guess i got a glimpse of how good things could be a few days ago, but that glimpse disappeared. The Kim that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with is gone. Think i'll get another glimpse? I don't know. I'll talk to her about it once we get home.

I need to get more plants for my aquarium.

I need to change the water.

I need to beat the next level in my game.

I need to blog again tonight or tomorrow.

I need to talk to my friends, maybe go out.

God, i need to have a simple life again. That's all. I guess i thought that maybe things with Kim could be simple and happy, but it turns out there complex and miserable. ::Sigh::

B said something that made a lot of sense - after insisting that i understand that she was by no means telling me to call it quits with Kim, she said "make sure you aren't in it for the wrong reasons". Friday night, Kim was on the phone with her friend Emily, and apparently they were talking about relationships, and Kim said "well that's why you're not married, because you may not be sure". and that made a lot of sense to me. It made me think: "That's right, that's exactly right. That's why we're not married. We're not married because we're not sure, and that doesn't mean that we have to devote the rest of our live to figuring it out. We're not married, and it's about time that i start remembering that, because as most everyone, especially a few certain "pool buddies" will tell you, i've been acting like we ARE married for quite some time now.

Things to think about i guess.

Okily dokily, i gots ta get goin. It's about time i stop bitchin and start doin, eh? I seriously felt like not blooging made me want to explode! I think i was actually going to go insane! So this is what it comes down to. This is my catharsis.

Hm.. random thought: I should enlist Elise and B to watch monday night football with me! that would be a ton a fun! we could play QB1! heh heh, that would rock. Well. Until i got my ass whooped by two girls that is, cause that's no glory. ;-)

Well, i'm off to find out where legoland is. It was nice talking at ya again! ::grin::

KTBB

.Christian